Law of Averages

There is something that seems to be reoccurring in my thoughts and in my posts and it's driving me crazy. This glamorized glutton I see all over the place really embarrasses me. This culture we have doesn't make any fucking sense. We have MILLIONS of people literally starving to death in our own communities, and our completely aware of the famine going on in foreign countries. What do we do? DUDE CHECK OUT THIS 5 POUND BURRITO FILLED WITH SHIT! BRO THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE GOING TO FINISH THAT. OH YEAH CHECK THIS OUT! FUCK NEVERMIND I CAN'T FINISH IT. LOL.

It's not fucking cool, it's not funny, it's appalling. Why is there no collective groan when this excess consumption kicks in? This is why I have no pity for the obese (minus the one's with legitimate medical problems THAT CAUSED the obesity). To me it should be like herpes or hepatitis, so that no one wants to go near you and everyone thinks you're gross.

Let's see what else... ummm religion is still dumb.

Oh so we were working on papers for my English class and my History class. And in both we had to have our papers peer reviewed. Now, those papers are very unlike my posts in this blog; they actually make sense and are interesting to read. But this hobag was reading my paper like.."umm it's OK but you should really work on your vocabulary, and stay with the logic of your thesis." I respond with a nod. Dilemma? This girl is what I like to call the pseudo-intellectual. You know the ones. The people who think they know a lot more than what they do. How do I know this? Or why this accusation? Just the statement "staying with the logic of your thesis" makes absolutely no sense. The word logic in this scenario is used out of context because there is no bindings of logic on any thesis. The thesis binds the plot, theme, content buildup, and in some scenarios texture. Also, she decided to compare papers and tell me (in so many words) that hers was better because of her impressive vernacular. Which wasn't impressive in the least, there was not plot buildup, and the paper was unbearably redundant. There are a few other details but whatever dumb people be dumb.

I've began to understand why there is so much apathy in the world. I don't think it's from a lack of motivation or independent thinking. Although, there is little doubt that these contribute. No one wants anyone else to succeed further than themselves. Every important thing we do as a people or every uniquely significant event, is only allowed to be displayed when we have reached the apex of shittiness. Think about it. I don't want to be any more numb than I am right now.

Also, if whoever is reading this cares to get their learn on I recommend

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/ there are two videos on here for you to check out. I recommend you watch both.

Also, look up Nibiru, New World Order, Bilderberg Group, and the Freemasons

Go get your learn on.

HARKGFJHAKJEFH238AROW#IEUHF JS KJFDBASRF

I'm irate. I really fucking hate everything right now. I had a drunk Mexican back up into my uncle's car which I was driving at the time. He had no insurance and was a total douche. Result? Me searching for the 1,500 dollars it takes to fix the car. Further progressing, I'M FUCKING TIRED OF WRITING PAPERS. FUCK YOU COLLEGE. EVERY FUCKING DAY I GO TO CLASS I HAVE A NEW PAPER DUE. Seriously is there no other way? Is this the only way you can assess our individual growth in any given class by our ability to regurgitate the work you force on us? Fucking shit. I hate the idea of me selling my thoughts and abilities to a teacher for a grade. And then having it assessed by people who are completely useless but somehow have omnipotent and overall consenting critique on my work. As I write this I'm writing a paper for my English class. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I have such an urge towards violence right now. I never get mad and as a result I have fits of consuming rage which I'm experiencing right now. Fuck you papers. Let me play the role of student and write this paper nice for you. AHHH it's all so fucking meaningless. This is not the way we were meant to progress.

My uncle won't get off my balls on this job bullshit. No place is going to hire me get over it I already am. NO don't get the idea of me being negative. Or the idea I'm giving up and need to stay positive. Don't even bother with that shit. I live in a shithole town with no where to work. I do not fit in anywhere whatsoever and potential employers have very candidly expressed their opposition to me.

He says: You know you got to get up early tomorrow.

Me: Why?

Uncle: What do you mean why?

Me: WHY?

Uncle You forgot already?

Me: Fucking christ what is it?

Uncle: Your job shit. You missed out on talking to the manager because you went in the afternoon.

Me: That's retarded. What if he had his meeting in the morning? You would be saying the same thing in reverse.

Uncle: Well you know you are going to have to learn to get up early.

WHY? WHY the fuck do I have to learn that? If I one day decide that's how I want to live. Fine. Until then I have no intentions of changing to the "normal" sleeping pattern. I go to bed at 5 A.M. and wake up when I need to. Fuck this monotonous routine shit or this "natural" sleep cycle bullshit. I am whatever the fuck I want to be and I'll live accordingly. You will never force your shit on me. I will never work a 9-5. I'm not going to be miserable like every other adult I know. I am never going to be a slave to this capitalist timocracy that America has created. None of this shit is for me. I'm not adapting to this world. It's adapting to me.

I have a serious problem with the amount of effort it takes to get anywhere. Was it meant to be this hard? Could we all just fucking relax and live? Is that at all possible? FUCK I have to be a slave to something I care nothing about but was deemed necessary by my predecessors. Now all their ideas have become dogmas, and this is the same branch that all the great religions sprouted from. Oh no YOU HAVE to do this. You NEED TO WORK to learn the importance of money. REALLY? DO I REALLY HAVE TO WORK TO KNOW THAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? I feel like I'm the only person not suckered into this bullshit web. You HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE. WHY? Why can't I meet a professor of a craft and study under him in person in an apprenticeship of sorts? Why can't I go and learn for myself? Why can't I experiment and live by my own means. Oh that's right. There are rules and guidelines which all have to do with fucking money. There is no progress. We aren't meant to progress. We are trained to consume. Higher education teaches us how to do that more diligently and with a means for more. OH hey the most lively and important 25 years of your life just passed so you can do something meaningful. Was this process natural or man made? Do we really have to sell our youth to advance? Granted there are exceptions but there look at that paradox. The young who do great are an exception. How is that when youth is among the greatest gifts we are ever able to receive? Does it take that long to learn? Or have we learned to take that long?

Fuck you world. You aren't forcing your shit on me.

One Day, I'll Be On Time.

I hate to admit it but I'm pretty lonely. Something is sapping me of all my motivation and I'm unsure on how to continue at this point.

So I'm in my history class and we have a test about U.S geography. Nothing difficult just be able to identify and label all 50 states on a map. Everyone around me resorted to cheating. Fucking embarrassing. If I didn't know the 50 states and couldn't identify them I would be too ashamed to cheat even if I condoned it. And when shit like this happens it's not a mystery why I can't take school seriously. These people are going to end up getting an equivalent grade while maintaining their current level of uselessness. However, in any scenario, given a map of the U.S in a college course seems a bit remedial. A bit less after this shit but still.

Reading the shit I post makes me seem like I'm this elitist, intellectual, douche nozzle which could not be farther from the case. Well the elitist maybe, but not in reference to myself. The intellectual definitely not. I just see this great mass of retarded ass kids surrounding me with their stupid contentedness. "Hey I really don't know anything about anything. Isn't that funny? Yeah I know I'm hilarious." I just have this loathing for people with an inadequate understanding about things they should know about and think they are cool/better off for it. Douche nozzle? Ok, I concede that one.

I don't know. I'll probably just crank up the isolation along with the gain on my amp. Play my guitar while I'm indifferent to the world and hopefully one day not suck so much ass at it.

Fuck my life is lame.

But I'm working on it?

Another fallen eve.

Truly, honesty is not conducive to your well being. But these amenities will do the trick. See the improvement? There is no need to change, only acquire. Gaining more, becomes fulfillment. You see, there are too many distractions. We blur the lines for you. No effort on your part is required... just subordination. If you think about it, your consciousness is only a form of deprivation. We can program you better. We can make you better. We fill the gap left by your inadequacies. Would you like us to complete what you can't finish? Or is rejection your circuitry?

It's Complicated Being a Wizard

It has been way too long since my last post and I've got a lot of updates and some other possibly semi interesting things.

I need to see a neurologist cause my brain's all fucked up, and they also think my eyes are F-d. However, my insurance is like LOL, not going to happen. But I'm telling those hoes what's what and I think soon I'll be able to get this shit straightened out. On the positive side, if this stuff is as bad as they think I'll be getting a nice check of some ballin ass amount of money. 

I started school again and I think I made some friends??? I KNOW! Probably not though.  

I'm pretty sure I have a crush on my History professor so that's wild. 

I wrote a paper for my English class and the student who had to read it was like:

"Did you mean stop light here?"

"What? Stop Light? OH... no"

"I have never seen this word 'plight' before."

So everyone was like WTF PLIGHT?! And thus began a game of pass Brian's paper of personal introspection to complete strangers. They all seemed to like it and the teacher took a personal interest in my paper and made me stay after class so he could read my newest draft. He was impressed by it so I guess that's pretty neat.

This girl I know is like a boulder with a fucking jet-pack. But I'm pretty sure when she says she loves me she means it. Which honestly makes me kind of happy to be on the receiving end of, even though the feeling isn't mutual. I don't know what I'm going to do in this debacle. Oh and there are these two other girls who pretty much want my balls. One blatantly says, "I need to make you my sex slave so you can't run from me." I can't even tell you how much this arouses me. -_-. It sucks, the only time I have news to report on the opposite sex it's about the same fucking thing every time. I seriously challenge anyone who thinks they can attract crazier bitches to some form of crazy bitch catching competition. You know, when I read this, it totally makes me want to start this contest. SO CHALLENGE ME!! 

If there happens to be any internet lurkers reading this I want you to know that most of everything I say is supposed to be a joke. Not necessarily to make you laugh but I like to keep the mood light. If it seems like I'm being serious I'm probably not. I really can't take anything seriously. Unless throughout the post you sense a serious tone, then the purpose of that post was probably, to be entertaining while accurately reciting shit that happened. 

The reason I bring this up is because it has become painfully apparent that no one gets my humour :(. 

Airport Popeye's is the

shit. So I'm in Alabama as I write this and shit fucking sucks. I was expecting a lot more. I guess I always expect too much.

It's 3 in the AM so I'm not going to go into crazy detail about too much right now. But I have been having some mad wild ideas and such.

Flying to Virginia was a fucking experience. My flight left at 11 PM and arrived at like 5 AM in ATL so my idea was to try to crash on the plane on the way. And to this idea God kind of LOLd. I got stuck next to the largest man I've ever seen on a plane. Seriously, a substantial portion of his mass was in my seat. It was like something you would see in a movie when everything goes terribly shitty for the protagonist. I mean other than his profuse perspiration and occupation of half my seat it wasn't all bad. He was a pretty cool dude. Like a hipster black guy who (with my assistance) talked awesome shit about everyone on the plane. Especially this ghetto ass flight attendant who had all the makings of a 'stache. She was the most ballin' flight attendant ever. Which means that she said no to most everyone's requests with the utmost sass. SICK. I got to ATL and I hit up the Popeye's and I had the most glorious chicken biscuit. While there this crazy black guy was asking about a party the prior night that I supposedly attended with a man with green suede shoes. I basically said yes to everything he said and that man tripped the proverbial scrotum. Later that morning I went to Busch Gardens in Virginia with my good friend Sean and his friend Matt. The most important part of that adventure is talking about how authentic the German section was and how microwavable pizzas were better than the shit stuffing they were selling us.

A week later Me and Sean drove to Alabama from Virginia. Then the following day drove to ATL and back again. I made several little video things on the trip to satisfy our insatiable boredom that the road brings. I'm considering putting one up on here for you crazy kids to enjoy. I mean it's not that exciting. And by not that exciting I mean it's roughly better than that Dragonball Evolution movie but still pretty suck. Anyway we went to Warped Tour in ATL and on the way I got a ticket. I'm not going to say much about that just that I have zero respect for most anyone in law enforcement and that dbag cop can suck it. But Warped Tour was fucking righteous. I got to take my step sister whom I'm very close to which was sick. Her first real show and she got to see 3 of her favorite bands. Fuck I was pumped for her.

But now I'm in Alabama and I've been talking to an old friend who I haven't spoken to in forever. And that's pretty cool on account of us once being besties. Yes I just used besties. Hahahaha I don't know why that's so funny to me right now. I've decided to keep this whole mental dialogue down and not delete it. God dammit that's awesome. So uhhmm yeah my friends here are shit. I mean I kind of already knew that but it's getting reinforced like whoa. I came here to see them and I was under the impression that they wanted to see me as well but... you know how that goes. I guess on the plus side I've made a groupie or two? IDK.

Oh so tonight I was at this coffee shop hanging out with a couple of friends. And my comrade Anthony was going through his iphone looking up random facts when some tid-bits about space surfaced.

Anthony: Is the sun a star or a planet?
Dumb hobag: What?
Anthony: Is the sun a star or a planet?
Dumb hobag: It's neither? right? How can it be if there is only one? I mean there is only one sun right?
She also said some other impressively retarded things that I can't even begin to write. I was literally blown away.
Anthony: It's a star.

Later he came up with a thing about a man who for 60 some years had the hiccups. I thought I would add on to that tidbit with one of my own.

Me: You know how scientist think we got hiccups?
Peeps: ??
Me: During our evolutionary process when land animals starting arriving from the sea our gills moved from our neck. And as our lungs started forming and our epiglottis came in birthed the origin of hiccups. etc.
I didn't say it like that. I tried to dumb it down as much as possible before I gave up and they responded..
Dumb hobag: I don't believe in that. I believe I came from a vagina.
Slightly cooler dumb hobag: Yeah I believe that God created everything. It's just our faith man.
Me: Oh I didn't mean to offend you. To each his own. (secret inner lol'ing)

It just struck me as bizarre that these people completely shut down when it came to challenging their beliefs. I don't get it. Later we started talking about reincarnation when of them there smart ladies inquired about the definition of that fangled reincarnation contraption. And you know I suppose it could be a coincidence that all these people were totally oblivious to the world around them and stout Christians. And they were all dumber than turds which again is probably coincidence. How do they not want to know? It has been taught to them and that's what it is. Tragic. The amount of knowledge I dropped on them was like OMG. I didn't tell or share anything that exclusive but because of the isolation and seclusion of their minds they were dumbfounded by the ideas and concepts that somehow for the first time I was introducing to them. And their audacity further perpetuated my amazement. To assert that they knew for certain the origin of existence and other matters of nearly equal significance, was something I have not experienced in quite some time. The more I spoke the more they admired my "knowledge" which I tried to explain to them was inadequate even for the matters that we spoke of. But you know them dumb folk. They be dumb. Because of my curiosity for the unknown I'm able to shake many of the binds of theological supremacy. For me personally, whether it's vice or blessing I'm unable to say for certain that anything is in all aspects being in a particular state. I must leave room for the unknown. Always.

I actually came up with some nice ways of writing a lot of this. But I totally didn't feel like doing that. So... you know... I didn't.

P.S. something that has been bothering me for a while which I have been meaning to put on here. If you wear sunglasses for the purpose of looking cool. You are a douche. Being fat without a medical condition to me is a similar statement of douche. To me it's showing off your excess. Look at how much more I have than what I need. I could share with people less fortunate but uh fuck that. AMIRITE?! I think I might be alone in this. Whatev.

Fuck sunglasses

No Bragging Rights

So my brother left here two days ago and I'm about to leave today. Going to fuck up San Francisco before I go then get on the plane and rest to continue my assault in Virginia. I'll put more details about things, past, present, and future things alike when I come back.  So to the 4 people who actually read this. 

ILY BYE

Still

I haven't been putting up shit nearly as often as I would like to but hopefully ill change that.  So there is a bunch of shit going on...

My brother came to visit and he is considerably less gay than I remember him being. Don't get me wrong he's pretty gay, but most of the time it's actually tolerable.  We had a long discussion about girls and such which I believe to be the best/most revealing conversation we have ever had.  

My physical therapist is now sometimes using his assistant to tend to my back. Which I don't really mind but as she does her thing on my back she kind of touches my tookus quite often. Sometimes resting her hand on it, or giving it a gentle squeeze. I don't really have any idea on how to respond to this so I just don't say anything and pretend to fall asleep.

There have been 3 girls in the past week who have basically told me (two verbatim) that they want in my pants. Which is kind of flattering but not really that great on account of them all being hobags. OH and another girl told me that we were soulmates and that we loved each other. To this I responded "LOL" because I thought she must have been joking... but she wasn't. And I'm pretty sure she is mad at me. I think the answer to all of this lies in a prior post about my ability to attract crazy bitches and deter all the cool ones. 

I went to Six Flags yesterday and me and my brother went on most all of the rides and whatnot. It was a pretty fine experience. I tried talking to this employee on a particular roller coaster. Rode on it 4 times straight only to find out that her and some douchebag were already talking. And you have no idea how many d-bags were hanging out there. At least like one in every 3 dudes was a total douche nozzle. One ride in particular I rode on by myself and a pretty lady type sat across from me. To cut to it she was wearing short shorts hiked up to the extreme for the sole purpose of showing me her downtown mixup. Upon witnessing this she blew me a kiss and I responded with a half smile and a "bitch you crazy as a mug" look. Afterwards she followed me around the park and rode on the next couple of rides that I did. At the end of the adventure me and my brother were waiting by a fountain commemorating dolphins when I noticed a young teenage girl sitting by herself in a shroud of total youthful awkwardness. My brother didn't understand why I had to go talk to her and even went to the lengths to dissuade me.  I had to talk to her. She was me. She is me. Totally awkward and inept at things struggling to not falter at even mundane tasks like waiting. Hopefully she will remember the time at six flags when some dude came up and talked to her when she was alone. And maybe she will smile at the memory. Maybe grow some confidence in herself. Or more than likely just be glad that creepy guy at the park is gone.

OH I almost forgot. That assistant of my physical therapist got asked out on a date by like this 80 year old man and it was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen.

You know there is something to be said about this world. There are better more complete words. Words that harmonize and enhance. But these words don't do. Beautiful is the only word for me to use to describe these things. Everything. It's a scheme, a sham, and once recognized an assemblage of all prior knowledge a priori or not to be dealt with accordingly. You see everything is beautiful. I figured this out. Our conscious, our mind, and all that we perceive are only tools to try to take in the essence of the cosmos.

And,

If they make you happy then who cares?

All consuming fire... burn.

So I haven't posted any new shit in a while. I got some updates and whatnot

The first being that I am done with school until the fall semester. And also i did horribly on my exams but somehow managed to get solid grades. My good friend Tasha will not be coming to visit me out here in California but instead when I make my return to Alabama. My little brother will be out here on the 27th and I'm hoping he'll be a lot less of a douche when he does come. Let's see... oh I've been getting hit on a lot lately for some reason which is pretty strange. And as a matter of fact some girl told me to be less modest and even went to the extreme of saying if I wanted to be cocky it was ok because I am attractive. And when I told her that if I cannot condone that type of behavior in another person there is no way I could adopt it myself regardless of my "good looks", she looked at me like I was retarded and responded with a most dumbfounded expression and a "whaaa?"  Awesome.

Oh yeah my English teacher totally gave me an A when I didn't really deserve it because she thought my final essay was the best she ever read or some shit. Which is pretty cool I suppose. And it's also come to my attention that a number of people actually take time to read my blog so I'd like to thank you e-lurkers for reading my stuff. And instead of messaging me on last.fm feel free to hit me up on my aim = strghtdg89.  I made it when I was like 12 give me a break.

My back is making improvements. It's been pretty F-d since the wreck but I'm in physical therapy now and it's going well. Also, my 3 year old nephew is here and he is out of control. He's already learned every bad word around and uses them incessantly. I know it's wrong but hearing him call my uncle Carlos an asshole ever 5 seconds is fucking hilarious. 

In other news I've discovered that I can't be upset anymore. I can get annoyed or aggravated but I don't think I can lose my cool. I'm learning an even greater level of patience and that is something that I am actually proud of.  I can't even remember the last time I've been angry. I'm not sure if this is healthy but I like the idea of serenity in my thoughts. 

One last thing. Fuck Insurance. Fuck money. and Fuck the people who care about those things.

Condition

Bloodlust. The condition of madmen. Our condition. But he in particular. Eyes transfixed, red and furious. He says, "I dare you to find one as I am who would face me now. I am alone and asphyxiated and have never been more potent." Animosity seeping through every pore and soaking each deadened follicle. Leaving the pungent stench of impurity on all he passed through. The ghastly aroma poisoning the lungs of beast and flora alike. And knowing this increases his rage. "The weak, are as bountiful as the maggots who would swarm on a carcass. So then are you content with this putrid abomination? Who among you is willing to challenge me?! Have you come with eyes afire?"

It's part of a story I've been working on. I'll be putting more on this at another time. 

An Involuntary Surplus

I don't know why I'm this pissed but seriously fuck you. What I am about to say you do not deserve to hear but in my fit of rage here I will say it. You at your current state can never be truly happy. You won't allow yourself. You can't say no and are driven by desires that have manipulated your thought process. The mass person incarnate. 

And you know maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion given the circumstances. But this has only further perpetuated the doom that I feared may not have been inevitable but now is proven otherwise. In other words I cannot trust you. Yes you told me but it was in the manner that you spoke of it that left me in awe of your technique. So unaffected and with such ease.

I will not take from you what you once wanted me to. Nor will I give you what you were willing to give me.

So fuck. I am trying to get my shit together for this final tomorrow. But I'm so fucking pissed I have to keep the guitar away from myself to keep from smashing it.

My reaction is unfair. But this was the missing piece to the doubts I had. And they are now complete like maybe we would have been. Such is my luck. 

You know I usually always have a pretty happy demeanor. Am polite to strangers and people who don't receive the things they deserve. I will not subject myself to actions or behavior that is beneath me. I would never cheat on a significant other even if I didn't love her. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt them. I would in all sincerity to make her as happy and as complete as I could. But I have done something or perhaps I am the something that keeps me from ever having these things done onto me. 

Still I fear that when you read this that you will weep. And that still hurts me to hurt another especially one who was this close. I guess it was my fault for not making you smile or laugh enough or maybe for not saying the right things at the right times. I did the best I could from my position. I'm sorry that wasn't satiable.

Abolish

After reviewing many of my previous posts on here I've realized how shitty I am at accurately depicting my thoughts in a non douche-bag manner. I don't believe that I have done even an adequate job at portraying what I am really thinking or who I am. But everything I have put on here I have done in all honesty which I guess means that I really am a douche after all. Damn.

I can't even begin to describe my ineptitude at these things. I just have a hard time believing that anyone else shares these same thoughts or this same self. I have heard tales of being empty and things of that nature but never have I ever believed that it could amount to the void in myself. The ideas of the philosophers mentioned in my previous post have given me some kind of optimism. When I say I am apathetic towards most everything, no part of that is exaggerated. And by apathy I mean it in it's most sincere and distinct form. Advancing from that leads to my uncertainty as to whether I could ever "love" someone or be the recipient of such a thing in earnest. 

I'm becoming increasingly impatient with things not important to myself. Perhaps a rise in my own selfishness. I have always aspired to make a great difference in the world; to change it for the betterment of all people. And it's becoming increasingly difficult to deny the apathy of society for it's brethren. Why should I be a martyr for a society that after my death may pay homage to me but will be no better off for my sacrifice. I doubt I could ever have the means of making the mass care about itself as a whole instead of each man for himself and his own. I kind of wish everyone would come out and say it. Just fucking say it. "I will make any other man eat shit for myself to advance." If I ever made a difference with some great deed I doubt it would withstand the onslaught of mediocrity's fury. Nothing seems to amount to much significance in this perspective. The world is just much too big for me now. 

And now I read this and I am filled with disappointment in myself. In my defense though I have tried countless times to help, to offer myself, for someone or some cause. But they always have and seem to inevitably always proceed to deny my assistance. They say, "We the mass do not wish to improve. We are content destroying our time with these devices and even more enthralled with what makes us less invasive on ourselves." My disdain for society in itself has never been more potent. 

Contrary from what you may deduce from my writing I am not suicidal, depressed, or suffer from any other gay shit like this. I have been exposed to the horrors of the modern age and all of its constituents. It has robbed me of all that was once dear to noble men of the past. I cannot continue to convince myself of the importance of my scruples. All the vices hidden under the guise of play or even of familiarity have been tamed in myself but it seems in myself alone. Others share the same strength but they have no conviction in their stance, or at least not enough to continue their dominance of their own mind. 

I know these posts are poor at being coherent or expressing myself. Eventually I may not suck at it.

In other news I got hit on in my study group by some lady. I guess that was kind of flattering. Although, her constantly asking me to talk because she had some weird fetish crush thing for my voice was kind of weird. 

Down, Set, Destroy

Last night was the last Philosophy class before the final exam.  I've never related to anyone this well before. The ideas of Nietzsche, Ortega y Gasset, and Rousseau to name a few. I know it's a bit of a paradox combining such stark nihilists with a  guy like Ortega y Gasset. But their positions on the mass man, the herd man, have been the same things I've always thought since I was a boy.

"When fighting a monster, be careful not to become one yourself. For when you stare long into the abyss, the abyss stares into you."

This quote by Nietzsche (possibly a bit mauled after being recited straight from memory and not text) is referring to the nothingness that surrounds human life. When you are a nihilist and accept that there is nothing with meaning and everything in itself is void of importance it becomes easy to lose your humanity (whatever that means). 

I say this because I believe I am at least some part nihilist. Not as severe as Nietzsche or Hemmingway but at least some part nihilist. 

There is always an aspect of elitism in their works. Such has been my belief since I can remember. When I see people I know I always look at them in terms of potential and what they already are. I assess what they could be and if they are capable of getting there. And if you can believe I never answer these things. I must leave room for the unknown and never assume I know anything of anyone or things of that nature. And that truth is arbitrary contrary to popular belief. AAAAHHHHHHHH I don't even know anymore.

Continued

"By masses, then is not to be understood, solely or maily, 'the working masses.' The mass is the average man. In this way what was mere quantity-the multitude-is converted into a qualitative determination: it becomes the common social quality, man as undifferentiated from other men, but as repeating in himself a generic type."

"there are those who make great demands on themselves, piling up difficulties and duties; and those who demand nothing special of themselves, but for whom to live is to be every moment what they already are, without imposing on themselves any effort towards perfection; mere buoys that float on the waves."

"The characteristic of the hour is that the commonplace mind, knowing itself to be commonplace, has the assurance to proclaim the rights of the commonplace and to impose them wherever it will. As they say in the United States: 'to be different is to be indecent.' The mass crushes beneath it everything that is different, everything that is excellent, individual, qualified and select. Anybody, who is not like everybody, who does not think like everybody, runs the risk of being eliminated. And it is clear, of course, that this 'everybody' is not 'everybody.'  'Everybody' was normally the complex unity of the mass and divergent, specialized minorities. Nowadays, 'everybody' is the mass alone. Here we have the formidable fact of our times, described without any concealment of the brutality of its features."

All these quotes are from "The Revolt of the Masses" by Jose Ortega y Gasset.  I highly recommend you check it out.

And now to the continuation.

As time advances I'm becoming less and less impressed with who or what I am.  There was once a certain amount of pride in being what I was sure no one else was.  

So there was a debate in class about whether high school students (who had the option of working, meaning their family had a steady income) should work.  And all the points were pretty typical but no one else thought of or expressed the importance of the youth. I refuse to believe in this ideal I am unique. I know I'm not alone in being so tired of school and all the damned preparation.  Why can't I just be?  I can teach myself and can adapt to any environment (minus parties) so what's the big deal?  Does no one else notice what's happening?  They are stealing our youth! Among the most precious gifts we will ever hold. And we have been trained to in the upmost support, give it away.  From the time a child is (on average) 5 years old until he/she is about 18 years old they will be in high school.  If they go straight into college, say a 4 year university, they come out somewhere around 22-23.  Now begins the career.  They work and dredge on until they retire.  And depending on the work could be anywhere between 40-65 ish on average. Now what? What is now available to the retired 52 year (taking the middle age) old adult that wasn't when they were a youth? Well the years of working and tending to family and such wore you down to the point where under all other factors but age, show that you are a geriatric. Incapable of impromptu actions or things dynamic in nature.  But at least you got the retirement check.  And it is true that maybe you could be satisfied with this lifestyle and maybe you found true love.  But this is a hollow fulfillment, for the fire in all of us, our inner most animalistic urges, were quelled for that pension check.  You did not embrace or accept the thing most alive within you. You are only satisfied because you have learned to be.

A Decline of Candor

There is a part of me that feels like I need to be remembered on some mass scale.  I feel as if I'm holding all these things from the world and the world doesn't care.  Regardless of the magnitude of what I could bring, this place won't allow it.  What could I contribute that could deter an entire society from itself?  

And you know, when I reflect upon myself like I usually do, very often does my mind wonder on to metacognition.  I see these things in no other person and even worse, I believe that these are as apparent as any other aesthetically distinctive attribute.  Does no one else feel this decline?  I know these thoughts aren't coherent right now I just want to write them down.  I don't ever want to forget these things that now define who I am.  

There will be a continuation on this another time.

Revolt of revolution.

So I haven't been on in a while on account of me not having internet and such.  Just moved to the new diggs with my uncle.  It's not that bad.  We are rarely home at the same time so it works out well.  My grades in class have been getting progressively worse because of my post-concussion syndrome making my brain suck at everything.  So if I fail that's what I'm blaming it on.  I still don't have a car because all things dealing with insurance and douchebags always ends up being suck.  My sister is here with her nephew and it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  My sister is still a pain who made me get my hair cut but otherwise has been surprisingly tolerable.  Better yet almost enjoyable to be around.  Her son on the other hand is another story.  But she wants to throw me a party on account of me turning 20 this Sunday which is something I would be a lot more comfortable without.  

Also, I'm reading "The Revolt of the Masses" by Jose Ortega y Gasset.  And it's awesome.  

Choose this dearest,

I got into a car accident today.  My whole body feels like poo especially my back and my face.  My car is fucked.  Too bad to drive but not bad enough to be considered wrecked.  Not that it matters because I don't have collision coverage on my insurance.  FUCK.  However, I think I'm going to take that fucker to court.  The bastard caused it then left.  If he stayed and was remorseful and shit I wouldn't act like this but instead he wanted to be a douch nozzle.

So what happened?  I was speeding... a decent bit but nothing crazy.  I was passing this semi and as I was almost passed him I saw him turn on his turn signal.  I thought there is no way he doesn't see me.  He's just putting the signal up early for after I pass him.  NOPE.  I guess he didn't see me anyway.  So I see him start merging into my lane.  Oh on a side note just so you understand the road and my predicament better the road is two lanes with a big grassy median and on the other side of that median is two more lanes of highway heading south.  Ok continuing, he was coming into my lane and I was trying to think of the best course of action.  I tried slowing down but I was too far up there was no way I was going to not get destroyed by his trailer if I did that.  So I tried to speed up past him and that was probably a bad idea.  He started to merge faster giving me a very malnourished slice of road to work with.  Well I ran out of road and the area by his door rammed into my front right and as this happened I lost control of the car.  It shot me across the median, across the other lanes of traffic, over/through a fence, and passed a ditch.  Luckily I was smart enough not to brake as this was happening because if I had my wheels would have locked and I would have flipped and rolled.  When I eventually stopped I remember asking myself where the fuck this blood came from and why the fuck my back hurt so much.  I pried my door open and when I got out some cool dudes were already there.  They called 911 for me and helped me stand up and such.  When the ambulance came I remember thinking that this was a bit unnecessary but I guess it kind of was.  Those dudes were even cooler.  I remember that guy checking my body out (for wounds!) and in the process I made poor jokes about stupid things.  Then some more dudes came out and got me ready for the stretcher which made me make a lot more really awful attempts at humor.  I guess they were pretty fucking surprised at my demeanor considering what I had just gone through.  I was thinking to myself why I'm smiling right now so much and why do I keep saying stupid shit.  I reckon I was just happy to be alive.  Ok now I've been reading this and I have to be honest about how terrible this passage has been so far so I'm going to sum the rest up quickly.  I went to the hospital, tried to hit on the nurse and she told me to put my blanket back on (I had only been wearing boxers underneath it), had some X-rays for the first time, went home made a bunch of shitty phone calls, and then laid down and tried to sleep for 2 hours before writing this.

I'm pretty fucking lucky.  For me to only have these minor injuries considering what could have happened.  It's wild to think about.  Add on to that this story...

March 1st, 2007, my whole school was sitting in the hallways bullshitting and being gay.  We had been in the halls for so long that the school was encouraging us to call our parents to come get us.  We had been under a tornado warning from about 11:12 AM until roughly 1:15 PM.  That's when the lights started flickering and some girls began to scream.  I remember someone asking, "what's happening?" and then my Vice Principal responding with, "Really bad weather."  I thought "how dumb" then I could hear the wind.  The door next to me swung open and I started being pelted with debris.  Is this really happening?  I was in total disbelief.  As I looked up afterwards a whole fraction of my school was destroyed, just a pile of debris.  The hallway I was on stopped just after me.  It was me, an inch of wall, then devastation.  And as I rose I hit my head on something.  It was a pole or pipe or something that was seriously like 2 inches away from impaling my head.  Eight students died that day, all of them on the hall that I was on.  

I guess there is something looking out for me somewhere or maybe I'm just super lucky.  I kind of always want to believe it's my mother.  And so I do.  

I'm terribly sorry for the shit writing and total lack of interesting content.  I'm kind of woozy and my mind isn't really thinking that well right now.

Etch

No one can waste time like me.  GOD DAMMIT.  It's basically one of those really shitty awards that no one wants to be known for.  Like whoever sucked the worst at a sport or like a doctor who had the most malpractice lawsuits.  Something really shitty that stays with you forever i.e. genital warts or irritable bowl syndrome.  Maybe those aren't the greatest examples.  Anyway, I have a Statistics exam I should be working on that has like 2398479234 questions and since I haven't done anything relating to the subject in nearly 3 weeks I've forgotten how to do nearly all of it.  Add on to that the project thing that is due tomorrow morning, and exam thing in my music/guitar class (which I've actually decided I'm going to skip) AND the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm reading the wrong book for Philosophy, it's gone ahead and made my stress level go all gay mode and I kind of want to quit everything and just go into music.  But then I realized I actually suck pretty hard at that.  Which leaves the lone option which is to suck it up and do all the work which will undoubtedly consume the rest of tonight as well as the following 3 days.  Basically it's the nerdy/gay option in my head that everyone hates but knows is really right but hates it anyway. Probably out of spite.  

On the brightside I'm starting to formulate a plan.  Basically I'm going to consume mass quantities of ice cream, water, and pop tarts and with that surge of fruitful nutrition at my disposal I'll be able to masterfully accomplish little to none of what I had set out to do.  But that wasn't the real purpose.  It was actually to waste a lot of time and act like I'm trying when I'm really not.  That's as honestly as I see this going down.  And to be even more blunt I'm not even that crazy about ice cream or pop tarts.  I just feel like they should be a part of this with me for some reason.  

To add on to the gay, I have to decide what the fuck I'm doing this summer.  Too fucking many obligations and things with/for too many people.  And I think that's the cherry on the steaming turd of my life right now.

OH and I think I'm going to get to move out already!  Well not alone exactly but with my uncle. Which isn't that bad on account of my uncle working pretty frequently and rarely being home. So party at my house!  soon.  And by party I of course mean me hanging out by myself, probably naked, wasting time in some ways that is somehow superior when you are in the nude.  So I guess that's exciting.

OK OK fuck, I guess I'm going to get started on my work...

aslkdjflasjdfalskjf

Incomplete as a Leech

I refuse to believe this optimism is through any fault of my own.  I know you have to be suppressing the same kind of things that inhibit us from being we.  If I could just latch on to you and see myself better I could perfect this for you.  But surely our dialogues would be dominated by the professions of my admiration towards you.  Your only replies would be to humor my affection.  And when the charade has proceeded past its expiration your patience will dim and ties will be severed.  Then, though, there are these words that I want to share with you. I want you to delight in them like I do.  If we were to accept this we could be forever and on that I swear.  Even if I were to wrestle you into submission it seems as if my body would be enveloped in a sheath of your animosity.  And for me to cover you with it would be something of no significance to you.  Just slip through and continue onward.  Past me.  

My cousin just got Super Smash Brothers Brawl!!!!  FUCK YES. 

Precision.

After a very strenuous debate with myself, I've decided that I'm really an asshole.

I received a comment on my picture that read "You're wonderful."  How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?

So for Philosophy class last night we had a town meeting of sorts.  City board members wanted ideas from kids at the college and they gave us the rundown on what they wanted and what was needed.  In groups.  Basically everyone was acting like they had some brilliant shit to share. Well, unfortunately pretty much everyone was retarded.  Let's rely more on volunteerism and start more city funded recreation programs for the youth.  Yes because at these times everyone's going to want to fucking volunteer and because of our deficit let's spend more on bullshit.  Let's increase tourism and put up a ToT tax.  Yeah because this country isn't totally in the shitter and all kinds of people are going to want to spend what extra money they have coming to this shithole.  Now, I realize I sound like a doucheface but you have got to be realistic about this.  And since I didn't really have any solutions of my own I bit my tongue and let them spew.  

And you know almost all of my life I have considered myself an idealist.  But as I continue to mature and evolve I realize that I am now more of a realist.  I have always strived to better myself, towards perfection.  I acknowledge that this is not possible but this quandary seems to always resurface.  If you better yourself closer to perfection what are you giving up?  I feel as though when you improve certain aspects of your life other areas suffer.  What part of me has been damaged so far?

Time you must wait for me, this process is taking longer than expected.  I've been besieged by contempt for that which I cannot condone.  Embrace me.  Take me in as your own.  I will progress.  We are so abrupt in our intercourse.  An impromptu exchange of lusts and desires. Come now, fill me with your words, they swear things I should not believe but it is the manner in which you speak that makes me betray truth.  Oh but how much sweeter is the web you weave than the bitter disdain of life on all that I treasure.  

Formal Glutton

I hate to sound like a dick but... overly religious people need to just combine and form some kind of cult in which they all have to believe ridiculous bullshit and do incredibly retarded things to stay in their god's good graces.  OH WAIT.  

I was thinking about writing something dealing with comets, Nike's, and poison punch but I decided it would be better not to.

I'm so fucking tired of seeing and hearing these religious fanatics talking about their love of Jesus.  Oh Jesus you are so loving, you are the cause of my everything.  I think I should go out and be a pompous asshole to everyone because, although it didn't seem cool before, I gotta admit, it looks like a good time now.  Seriously chill the fuck out.  Stop making stupid analogies, stupid quasi-scientific claims, and bumper stickers.  Thank you.  I know I sound like I'm bitter or some shit but really if I have to read another person's profile stating that "through Jesus anything is possible" or "God is always with you" I'm going to fucking explode.  If you love your religion that's fine.  But don't profess it to me and try to tell how to live my life.  Also, stop acting like you know something now.  No one knows anything that's worth a shit so get over it and stop acting condescending towards everyone else because your god tells you that you are superior.  k.  

Aphelion

I fucking missed my Statistics class AGAIN.  My phone is the shittiest alarm clock ever.  We have an exam next week that might have gotten moved to this week on account of next week being a holiday and the following week being spring break.  L;AKSJDFLSAKJDFLKSADJF.

There are, by my  observation, two possible ways to interpret love.  One being the common, grandiose definition in which it says that love is this omnipotent and benign type of thing that is capable of all our salvation and also happens to be the most direct route to the elusive happiness. In other words a compilation of things generally associated with the divine. Perhaps.  But it is in my estimation that there is another kind of love or maybe it is the love that we always hear about but it's interpretation becomes increasingly misconstrued through all the vessels it travels through.  When someone says something like, "I will always love you."  There is a part that is innately implied that we don't realize.   I have grown fond of the belief that love isn't this eternal, majestic kind of thing but it's a temporary, potent, and overbearing kind of sensation.  In certain moments, which I believe myself to be whole or happy, I can say that I love.  Now, being with someone you cherish, whether they are your best friend, soul mate, or lover you will undoubtedly share things that you will also love. But to be balanced, there are also the kinds of moments in which you loathe the essence of many things that you would ordinarily hold in high regard.  Love is fleeting.  Now say you are with your dearest counterpart and you say to him/her, "I love you."  This kind of statement has innumerable possible outcomes.  In the moment you said those words you may have meant it. However, your other (in that moment) didn't reciprocate that same feeling.  Disastrous. But it is possible in so many other moments the feeling was mutual.  So, the inferred part of such occasions is in that moment they love you.  Albeit sincere and persuasive there are so many other times in which you may not mean it.  When someone attaches the word "forever" or "always" they insist that in every moment this will be true.  This brings conflict.  Say there is a rough spot in a relationship and this love is this kind of slicked rabbit that even when you manage to grasp it, it escapes leaving behind only the grimy residue.  To catch the hare is impossible by the means we have and so it seems to be perfectly justifiable to give up.  Thus, simply, we do.  Because if there is an easier way, without the burden of blame, we rarely seem to hesitate.   

It is because this love is so fickle and becomes disinterested so quickly it is praised to the highest in attempts to try to entice this thing to take refuge in yourself and what you hold to the highest.

You might ask what about moments or other things that don't involve particulars like people. To me this kind of love follows the same path as the prior.  However, because these things are often well maintained and persistent in their sameness it is, I believe, possible to in practically every moment, to love what it represents.  For all that we love and hold dear is a replicate of what we desire the most.  We are animals.  We are selfish.  We are human.

Now I myself have never been in love (that I know of).  However, I consider myself a keen observer of human nature.  I can objectively ascertain most of my faults, my motives, and my emotions enabling me to, as honestly as our nature permits, project these kinds of cognitive properties on most people.  Although, I leave this argument open just in case the more venerable type of love was to make itself known to me.  

Into the wide.

I wish I could express these things in my head in these words.  I can't seem to determine the value of anything anymore.  What these priorities are and what keeps me from doing them in their proper order.  I claim indifference and apathy but something is holding me back.  I'm nervous.  I can't meet your eyes with my own because I fear that in them you will find something that I wish to keep hidden.  I don't believe I can refrain from these things that inhibit what I am.  But I cannot say I am that sure of what being entails anymore.  I know I sound depressed and masochistic and things of that nature but the truth is I am a fraud even in this sense.  It's more of a disregard for my own well being.  Am I that naive to believe that those of us who aren't really troubled with at least some mutilation of the mind are few in numbers?  Or am I even more gullible to believe that we are a great many?  Who is this antagonist?  Everyone, the many, us, why can't we be courageous?  Self-interest is our only interest it seems.  And the only thing that seems to be apparent is our indifference.  

And that is where this plot thickens.  Like a fault in a lovers heart in which you've become lost. The one side you wish to be, is secluded from the outside like a princess in a castle in some fairy tale. As you reach and climb and pull and stretch you make ground but too much and too soon.  And you, like a coward pleading for his life, cling to where you are so you may not lose more ground.  So you slide back further and further and now you're on the other side. The crevice is now widening and this abyss that has formed beckons you to try and tame it.  It coaxes you, saying,  "Conquer me and you may have your prize!" And though you know that this feat on which you are inevitably going to embark is beyond your capacity you continue.  In this endeavor you are lost.  So subsequently, in future quests of this type you will naturally follow a similar pattern and it's this pattern that becomes our complacency.  You are content.  Not happy and alone, now pleased with that which truthfully holds no value in your heart.  When you sit and reflect upon these things you will remember that failed conquest and you may weep.  In time though, you will be bland again.  Like when you held no opinions or convictions because you failed to find the meaning in things.  No longer troubled.  There is no fire to burn at your mediocrity and for this you are thankful.

Neglect.  For ourselves and for each other.  We have given too much and too little praise to this Love.  We just utter the words so commonly and blindly it was as if saying or better meaning, this sensation was something of little magnitude in ourselves or in the thing receiving this.  What a tragedy we make ourselves out to be!  The love and its recipient will go their own ways and you may look with envy upon those who have not yet experienced this departure.  You cry, "Pity me!  Look, see that I have no longer anything to love!  Who can help fill the void in me that I have not yet filled with all my other necessities?!  Get me there and name your reward." How grand it must be to triumph over such a thing with no effort of your own.  Hmm, but how much greater by your own doing?  And in that respect how much more difficult? Can we really claim sincerity about these things?  Or would we learn to be enthralled by that which others have deemed to us as significant?  

Fuck fear. Fuck regret. Let's try and salvage what's left of us. 

Sometimes.

Well I hope you're pleased with yourself.  I don't know what the fuck I did but if you feel it's worth burning whatever kind of bridge there was then fine.  If only you fucking knew.  Not that it would change anything but possibly establish some guilt or regret.  Because to be frank, I never wish ill fortune on anyone but I think for you I'll make an exception.  Yeah fuck you again.

Anyway, I got an A- on my Philosophy exam!  And during the break in class I almost cried.  Not because of the grade or anything gay like that.  But because I was listening to some songs on the ipod and Goddamn that shit was hitting me hard.  Fucking Dialect is amazing, "Dead Animal Hymn" gives me chills every time.  And something even better than that?  I learned something in there that day.  People aren't usually courageous and the like because they are courageous itself but because of the opposite.  Fear.  Now I wonder how abundant are these paradoxes in human psyche?  In life? I would say as bountiful as the universe seems endless.  

I wanted to write a poem/song thing that I've been working on but I can't seem to agree on the words.  

I think I'll do what I want.

Thanks.  I kind of feel like a badass right now.  I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone and I'm wearing my sleeveless Minus the Bear shirt that's totally showing off the guns.  Or would be if I wasn't wearing my hoodie.  

I had my first Philosophy exam Wednesday and I think I did pretty solid on that.  I don't know if I did enough analyzing but I regurgitated enough of the dialogue to at least get a B or something.  

There were a lot of laughs shared tonight.  My uncle and his friend were drinking and acting stupid.  So I decided to hang for a bit.  Well, we were watching something retarded on the TV and Eric my uncle's friend wouldn't shut the fuck up.  He kept cracking the most awful jokes then follow them with hysterical laughter causing me and my uncle to join.  Then we were watching some boxing match and we made bets on the winner and the round.

Uncle Carlos:  I'm picking the guy in the white shorts though

Eric:  You're going to lose friend

Carlos:  NO!  You see all those muscles on the other guy?  Yeah if he doesn't knock out my guy in the first couple of rounds it's over.  He's got all those muscles and he's going to get tired.  All those muscles require too much oxygen.  He's going to lose.  Watch.

Me:  You realize that these guys are pretty much the exact same size and weight.  One just has more muscle definition.

Carlos: No, that's biology 101

Me:  hahaha what the fuck are you talking about

Eric:  Hold on!  There's a cut over that guy's eye!  All the oxygen is escaping!  He's got all that oxygen.  We can probably chop down all the trees because there is so much of it.

So my and Eric's guy won and when we asked for our loot...

Eric:  Where's our money?!  Pay up

Carlos:  You throw down 2 dollars when I required a c note AT LEAST to even consider.

Me:  It was actually 3 dollars and that's all the money I had.

Carlos:  You can't throw down peanuts and want a steak!

Me:  hahaha What the fuck?

Carlos:  That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight

Eric:  Brother you're not making any sense

Carlos:  NO!  You fuckers try to throw down two dollars.  Fucking throwing down peanuts and trying to get a coconut.

Me: ahahahahahaha

Carlos:  I mean I don't even care if they are boiled or salted or whatever.

Eric:  Compa (spanish slang, kind of like dude) I think you need some of that oxygen that guy was leaking out

Carlos:  YOU guys bet 2 measly dollars.  It's like bringing pennies to a gun fight.  I'm not paying you shit.  

I laughed pretty hard at the fucking stupid that my uncle and his friend bring.  Oh man.  That was the hardest I've laughed in a really long time.  

In other news my guitar teacher pretty much wants my wang.  It's pretty obvious that I'm one of the only ones who practice or try.  So now I'll probably have to go around the class with him and try to show people how to play.  Which I don't even really mind.  There are a lot of old peeps in the class who remind me of my uncles and then the other peeps around my age all seem not terrible.  I'm actually considering talking to this girl in the class who's a pretty good piano player/singer about some band prospects.  

I'm missing someone but I trust them.  That's all I need.  Or will be.

I can't

help but feel a little betrayed.  I suppose you really are the bitch you make yourself out to be. Although I didn't want to believe it, you've managed to persuade me.  Next time don't insult me with mock empathy just to be polite.  So basically.... fuck you.

So we got our first exams back from Statistics.  I was kind of worried about how I did but I pulled out a 93 so that's pretty awesome.  I glanced over at Vianca's paper  and saw nothing but red lines and question marks.  The teacher didn't even know what the fuck she was doing.  I couldn't help but laugh a little.  

So now she's going to drop.  Which is terrible news for my gas money fund.  

I'm not brain dead,

I'm just shy.  

I'm really bummed out right now.  And since I have nothing but terrible fortune I have a fuck ton of work to get done as well.  

I think I'm going to try to take a short nap, then stay up all night eating soup, figuring out this Statistics crap, and trying to finish writing all this musical notation shit.

God dammit I'm fucking amazing at severing ties.  

asdfsadjflsdkjvosj

Drown me if you can

I don't know what to write anymore.  There's too much small talk.  Too little meaning.  And even less sincerity.  Why is it so hard to trust someone?  Are you afraid?  Are you ashamed to tell the truth about yourself?  And there goes time.  Don't you know you can lay into me?  With anything, with everything?  I can understand I guess.  Even piety can be consumed in fear.  But why? Imagine all the faces you've ever seen.  Of those how many can you really discern?  And what of those do you actually care for?  Please just break me.  Just fucking break me in already.  Who am I kidding?  Everyone knows I'm way too stubborn to give up.  Oh, the attrition on my mind.  If only you could see it.  Feeling just doesn't have the same effect anymore.  

Aristotle was a lot more happening than Plato.  He kept that shit real and was all like man fucking reality is everything that is around you.  Kind of an Atomist.  Where as Plato was into this whole theoretical, abstract, and convoluted interpretation of reality.  Aristotle was saying that God was in us.  Our capacity to think, and our intellect, was actually God.  Fucking brilliant.  Seems incredibly logical and plausible.  Everyone has their own interpretation of God, even atheists, so it only seems rational that this is a dogma in its self.  Or something.

Right now all I want to listen to is Explosions in the Sky.  Every song holds so many truths. Gives such a benign serenity even in the midst of certain calamity.  I'm starting to get that warm, blood rushing sensation again.  If it's heat could just wrap me up in its cocoon of tranquility.  Oh man, I'd be fucking set. 

I fear that we are burning

The false pretenses that held us close

But I'm too much of a coward

To say such words

And though you are all that I sing

And though we were still warm

Your silence is strangling my thoughts

You are not the everything I could have sworn.

I need something.

We few

So I've been playing a lot of guitar lately.  Which is exciting for me because I usually always get distracted and force myself to quit well before I'm ready to.  However, these past couple of days I've managed to get my shit in order.  I came up with some pretty tasty licks these past 2 days. In fact, I made up 3 potential new songs today in like a 2 hourish time span.  So now I'm starting to think I'm close.  But once I'm there, I still would have to find a band.  And I haven't met any musicians let alone cool people.  

I have a feeling it's going to happen though.

KAJDFOJDFOI I'M EXCITED!

Digits

My mind is all over the place right now.  I'm having a hard time focusing in on any particular thing.

The scenery out here has been getting increasingly impressive.  It takes all of my concentration to keep focused on the road.  The scenery is fucking orgasmic.  The other day it was raining and all nasty and icky and not nice out and it was still gorgeous (award for using the word "and" the most in a single sentence).  The other day while trekking to Salinas with Vianca I couldn't help but point out all the awesome sights I was certain she was missing.  She glanced up from her texting, "Oh yeah that's really pretty", then continued her texting.  My mind was blown.  HOW ARE YOU NOT IN AWE?!?!  I don't get it. I really don't fucking get it.  DOES NO ONE ELSE REALIZE HOW INSIGNIFICANT YOUR BULLSHIT "PRIORITIES" ARE?!  Nature serves you up this delicious ass feast of optic magnificence and you are going to decline?  I often feel as if people like this just need to mature or learn/grow.  But I look at my uncles, their friends, and all kinds of old folks, and they don't understand either.  I'm probably overreacting to this whole situation.  But what if I'm not? If that were true the implications of it would be catastrophic for the psyche of us as a whole people, but still not surprising.

Anyway the past couple of trips up there with Vianca have been strenuous at best.  Although I will say my ego gets some nice padding when I talk to her. She is pretty much oblivious to the world around her and words consisting of 3 or more syllables so whenever I talk about anything of significance I have to constantly go back and simplify everything I said. To the point where I might as well have said nothing.  Oh man, so we were listening to some tasty tunes and we stumbled upon some of the most eloquent lyrics to be found.  She inquired as to what the lyrics said exactly and I repeated them along with the song.  "Oh... Wait, what does that even mean?"  Wait.  Wait.  Please wait.  Let me elaborate for you. Then, "Oh... I still don't get it." HAHAHAHA REALLY?! HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THESE LYRICS!??!  GOD DAMMIT YOU ARE DUMBER THAN FUCK.  It would be one thing if they were some really vague or abstract concepts being sung in the songs.  Lyrics that can be interpreted several different ways... I understand.  But not these.  Not this.  I kind of wanted to tell her we are no longer carpooling but... 20 DOLLARS FOR GAS!?!  OK DEAL!  I'M TOO BROKE TO TURN DOWN A BARGAIN!  

An example of the lyrics:

But If you'd rather be the window

I'd gladly be the frame

We'll block out any kind words

And let in all the blame

(Mewithoutyou - Torches Together)

I was tripping balls about my statistics class.  Mostly because I failed to pay attention and thought I was a lot further behind than what I was.  Turns out I actually know what I'm doing. So much so that I felt like a retard when the professor went over the curriculum.  Too simple. So that means I don't have to study for that class... at least for a while.  Which is good news for my guitar/do nothing time.

Philosophy class has been awesome.  We've been going over Plato's Dialogues and whatnot.  I was kind of worried the way my professor built up the "confusion" that takes place.  It actually isn't even that bad.  I've gotten pretty much everything so far.  I understood the importance of the contradictions, the purpose of the irony, etc.  I only missed one fairly mundane detail out of what we've covered thus far.  Which is awesome because generally in English I always interpret something different than what the text really was meant to convey.  So during the exegesis I felt at least partly triumphant.  

The other day I went to Salinas with my cousins to buy a calculator.  One hundred dollars later I hated a lot of things.  I spent 100 dollars on a fucking calculator.  Instead of spending that money on shows and my youth.  What the fuck is wrong with us.  Who came up with this fucking system.  I've never understood it.  And I swear I never will.  We work incessantly for the first 20 or so years of our life.  For what?  So when we are old and decrepit we can appreciate the fruits of our labor?  When it's too late?  I hate to feel like I'm in any way contributing or perpetuating this shit train.  I'd really like to show it a detour off an abyss of some sort.  Fuck it.

So a few days back I went to Carl's Jr. (fast food place).  I don't normally partake in fast food adventures but I was starving and I had nothing to eat at the hizzy.  I ordered my 2 spicy chicken sandwiches and waited for a little bit when I noticed a warning sign.  It said something along the lines of "WARNING: This shit that we call food has known carcinogens.  Just so you know."  FUCKING REALLY?  I wonder how many dicks the fellows on top of Carl's Jr. had to suck to get that shitstuffing out to the public.  The FDA loves a good BJ.  So much so that they'd knowingly allow these death patties to be sold to the public all in the name of commerce.  I guess after Monsanto they pretty much gave up on the whole Administration part.  I wonder how much more corruption we can fit into one government.  Reprint "The Jungle".  The message has been lost somewhere.  Oh and I still ate those sandwiches.  LOL.

So after listening to a lot of Minus The Bear in the car I felt it time for a change.  I was almost to campus when I needed a change.  FUCKING UNEARTH SON.  I'VE MISSED YOU METAL. Listening to them always brings back good memories of jamming way too hard in my car with my best friends while trying to drive.  THE ONCOMING STORM is probably one of the greatest things to happen in the past decade.  That album is definitely one of the best metal albums of all time... actually flat out one of the best albums ever, period.  I got chills from the exuberance emitted from my shitty sound system.  If I could have sex with an album itself it would definitely be this one.  Actually... I wouldn't.  Having intercourse with something that metal would probably give me Tetnis of the genitalia.  And over the years I've become quite fond of mine.

I know I'm fucking missing something.  

the escapist

Another Valentine's Day with no real valentine.  I'm on a fucking roll with this.  In a couple of years I think I'll have the high score.  It's a good thing that I find this holiday and so many others to be shit.  You're really only going to show your love ONE DAY a year?  If you're in love, that shit should be shown all the time.  Not in an overbearing way of course.  But enough.  I can't imagine it getting old if you are really in love.  But then again I don't know what that is, so maybe I'm just too naive to know the truth.  

occur

And your fire
Sets our night ablaze
Sears the distance 
And burns the walls
Forgetting what those words are for

And while these flames rage and smolder
And brands myself to them
The heat in its fervor
Softens my core
And I forget what these words are for

And when we’ve said enough
We just listen

Sleeping Sleepers Sleep

My uncle and his friend Eric were totally trashed tonight.  And by my trashed I mean drunk of course.  And since I have nothing better to do on my Friday nights anymore I sat and watched them be retarded.  It's always the same thing though.  Tempers get short.  Increased usage of profanity.  And then the swapping of stories.  Oh and by stories I mean the same 3 that they happen to share.  They always come back to when they were kids or when they were drunk together.  Nothing from the time between about 28-40.  Nothing.  

So tonight as usual when they include me in the conversations it always has to do with my parents.  It's rather your Dad is a total piece of shit.  Or it's your Mom was awesome.  And nothing out of the ordinary happened.  

Eric:  If you want a job you have to talk to your Dad

Me:  That's the dumbest stipulation for a job I've ever heard

Eric:  Oh yeah?

Me:  Yes.

Carlos:  His father doesn't exist.  Brian wouldn't disagree with me.  Would you?

Me:  Not really

Eric:  Well he's still your Dad.

Carlos:  His Dad is a piece of shit.  That's why he lives here.

Basically they talked shit about my Dad for about half an hour or so.  I've heard it all before so it's whatev.  I could not care less about my father.  So if they want to talk shit to make themselves feel better who am I to stop them.  But then..

Eric:  You need to take him down to San Ardo.  You remember when we used to have those dances at the school?

Carlos:  Yeah

Eric:  I remember one time when I first moved here I was dancing with your Mom (referring to my mother).  We were like in 7th grade or something.  Well my hand slipped down her dress and she got pissed.  She said, "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"  Then she punched me in the face.

Eric:  She was something else.  Actually, now that I think about it you're a lot like her Brian.

Brian:  Oh yeah?

Eric:  Yeah.  Hated rules and was totally independent.  Loved music.  And she didn't take shit from anyone.

Carlos:  She was a beautiful person.  But she had a short ass temper.  NO ONE fucked with her. I mean NO ONE.  

I always feel weird when they talk to me about my Mom.  Especially, since they say the same shit every time and I have to act like it's something new or else they usually trip balls.  But sometimes it's cool.  Hearing how great she was and how much I am like her.  It's good to hear. And at the same time really depressing.  If she was still around, we would have been close.  We could have been best friends and whatnot.  So that part really sucks. 

Fuck I wish I got to know her.

Mean Low Water

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I have severed just about every tie with the people I care about.  Fuck it.

So I started my new semester and it's pretty ok I guess.  I have English, Philosophy, Statistics, and this Guitar/Music Theory course.  

My English teacher is a lady from India who happens to be terrible at speaking it.  True story. She's making us do group work and shit.  And she always stares at me.  ALWAYS.  We had to tell the class about our goals and what we wanted to major in and whatnot.  When it was my turn she made it fucking hell.  She prolonged the fuck out of my shit.

India:  "Oh really?  That's fascinating.  Are you a trained musician?

Me:  "Uh... Not really."

India:  "Why do you want to be a musician?"

It was at this point that I tried to kill the conversation.  I knew if I kept answering we would be at this for a while.  And I really don't feel comfortable telling a bunch of people shit about myself (unless you count this site).  So I lied and killed the conversation right there.  I don't remember what exactly I said but I came across as a total dickhead.  So that's awesome.  

My Philosophy class is pretty cool.  My teacher is kind of an idiot about everything not pertaining to philosophy.  But he's a pretty happening dude so it's cool.  Also, there are some seemingly cool kids in there that one day I may eventually talk to.

Statistics is lame.  Every Tuesday morning I have to be at the Salinas campus by 7 AM.  Which means I have to leave at 6 AM at the latest.  Which is in every way completely gay.  Also, me and Vianca share that class.  So now we are carpooling there.  Hooray.  It's not all bad though. 

The other day we went up there together and we actually had a good time.  I picked her up and during the ride she was actually fairly interesting to talk to.  After class was done we got some free ass breakfast at Denny's.  While there she was once again interesting.  It's like where the fuck has this been the whole time?  After that we went to Target and looked at a bunch of stupid shit, tried on ridiculous glasses, shoes, and hats, and played with some gay ass toys. Following that we hit up Best Buy and Toys R' Us.  Finally, the best part of the experience. During the ride home, I put on some tasty ass jams and she actually rocked out with me.  I have to admit that made me hate her a lot less.  Not only that, the whole time we were hanging out she actually paid attention to what I was saying and caught on to my humor.  Wild.  We are supposedly going to hang out again this weekend so we'll see how that goes.

My guitar class is actually pretty lame.  I was super stoked about it but it's mostly a let down so far.  There are way too many people in the class.  And from what I've seen I'm the only one who isn't total suck at guitar.  However, it was pointed out that the way I held my guitar was improper.  Which doesn't make any sense because the basic rule about everything on guitar is ignore all the rules and play what's comfortable.  But whatev.  Also, I don't finger pick and my teacher insists on finger picking.  So I tried to show him my finger picking and it sucked.  So I have to work on that.  Oh my teacher has fucking hair growing out of his nose.  Not like regular nose hair.  But on the outside.  Like he should shave his fucking nose.  God dammit that shit is awesome.

The other day while there I tried to help this girl tune her guitar.  As I proceeded to tune her guitar like 10 dudes all turned and stared at me.  Straight up gawking.  "Wow, you are really good.  Can you help tune mine?  I'm really trying to annoy you while you try to tune that."  As well as some other shit I wasn't really paying enough attention to, to remember.  I know I sound like a dick here, but fuck man, I'm trying to match the harmonics of the strings and these hoes won't STFU!!!!!!!!!

Also, I've been getting stared at a lot lately.  I am unsure about the reason behind this.  I'm actually pretty certain it's the hair.  But I can't tell for sure.  I have only seen one other dude with hair as long as mine.  And his hair was down to his hips and nappy as fuck.  The style here is the "fade". Or any other mostly shaven cut.  So I'm pretty sure my shoulder length hair is not stylish.  

I'm about to read some Plato for Philosophy class.  

I think this semester is going to be a lot better than the last.

Unlimited Distance

So I was planning on writing a thing about my prior experience at this party and on my trip to Alabama as a whole.  But instead I've decided to write a somewhat brief summary.

Flew to Alabama to visit my friends and to see my little step sister.  I get there and only one person is at the airport.  At least 5 said they would go.  

Wasted a lot of time because apparently my "friends" had better shit to do than see/hang out with me.

Had an ex try to fuck me over again and was prepared to let her until she slipped up.  But got a free dinner out of it so it's cool.

Me and my friend drove 12 hours to Savannah, GA. and back to visit our mutual best friend Matt. We watched his band played and they sucked.  While watching this weird semi goth chick found it necessary to hug me constantly and find me on Myspace later that night.

I became comfortable with the thought of losing my friends.

I nearly cried when Sean moved though.  We were sharing my bed for like a week.  And that night I could not sleep at all.  Wow that sounds super gay.

My last night in town and no one really wanted to hang out.  End up having a gathering at a friends house in which no one really acknowledged my existence so much as indulged themselves in alcohol and marijuana and eventually maybe regret.  I can't even tell you how pissed I was.  

Me: Yeah, it's my last night in town so I just kind of want all my friends together for one last night.

Friends:  That sucks man

Anthony:  Nick you still want to get drunk tonight?

Nick: fuck yeah

Friends (in unison): hell yeah

Anthony:  Well we can go over to my house and drink... Oh but Kate is being a bitch so I don't know

Russell:  Why don't we just go drink at Brian's house until Kate gets off then we go to her house

Me:  Wait what?

Anthony:  You mind if we come over to your house for a little bit and drink until Kate gets off then we can leave?

Me:  (shrugs)

Anthony: thanks man we won't be at your house long.

So yeah that totally happened in front of my face.  I wanted to hang out with them.  And they totally forgot about me.  This is the reason why I'll never drink.  I never want to be so consumed by some chemical as to be my sole motivation for a "good time".  Could not wait one fucking night.  I wouldn't have really cared if they drank if they just would be my friends while doing so.  

So Kate comes over to my house and is like Brian you should come by too.  I'll cook you some dinner and we can hang out.  She was the only who offered to hang out or even seemed interested in doing so.  But when we all get to her house it pretty much consists of John being a total douche as usual and everyone else drinking and smoking and being completely miserable. I was starting to get physically sick.  I almost puked twice.  First time that my mental status had really directly negatively impacted my physical well being.  I pretty much sat silently at the table listening to my ipod watching my friends deteriorate.  Any contributions I made to a conversation were quickly forgotten.  So I gave up on that.  I gave up on a lot of things then.

Oh man I almost forgot.  At that shitty band show there were these 3 16 year old girls.  And well, they pretty much made me hate everything about everything but at the same time made me laugh.  As one picked up a cigarette the others quickly followed suit.  You had to see this shit.  It was like a fucking train.  One took a sip of beer, they all did.  Every-time, it was always in unison.  Like something out of a movie.  God I really hate a lot of shit right now.

are these words our eulogy

I'm becoming increasingly comfortable being alone.  Well, not just being alone but acknowledging future solitude and having no sincere concerns about my total isolation.  I don't even miss my friends right now.  Although, it would be nice to cuddle up with some cool chick and watch "Frisky Dingo Season 2" on DVD.  

As I'm sitting here typing this out, it's like I feel this inner drift in to itself.  It's warmth is among the most hospitable I've ever felt.  So benign.  But at least some part malevolent.  I just haven't found that part out yet.  

Also I'd like to know if anyone out there is really legit?  Is there really anyone among us who isn't solely motivated by self-interest?  Or is everyone so used to all of their contrived, socially adapted, shitspew that such a concept fails to reach them?  No.  It's not because of it's vast requirement for intellectual capacity but by the simple fact that they have all been lying to each other for so long it is the undisputed truth.  Kind of like God.  I genuinely care (as much as my mind allows) for everyone.  I would do anything for anyone.  I don't expect, require, or even desire a reciprocation of that favor.  I just don't want anyone to have to suffer if they don't have to.  If I can take the burden away I have no problems doing so.  And so when this happens I think to myself, "It's only one more thing.  You can handle it."  And when they have drained me of all I'm worth and have abandoned me; I still won't regret my decision.  I would do it again.  and again.  Hoping that one time I actually reach them. I break through.  I remain helplessly optimistic about such things.  Although painfully aware that my efforts will not work.  I think they call such behavior masochism.  Whatev.

Part of a song I've been working on.  

This thing in my chest

has made it's way to yours

and sometimes

you forget to breathe

It's gay, I know.

What to do when you are dead

Everything feels so impersonal.  Making my indifference go into fucking retarded mode.  I've decided that it's all just a big formality.  

First day of my next semester begins tomorrow.  

Also my Geology teacher from my previous semester dropped me 2 weeks before the final exam so I didn't get credit for the course.  He didn't bother to tell me nor did the school.  How awesome is that?  I'm currently working on getting this problem corrected on account for the fact that I finished the course with a solid B- and beat the shit out of the final AND payed a retarded amount of money for all the bullshit in the class.  FUCK YOU BOB BARMINSKI.

I've been meaning to post another bulletin about some other shit that happened previously. But I'll do that later.

six days at the bottom of the ocean

So I went to a party the other night. Yeah me at a party. I don't believe there is a more uncomfortable environment I could possibly be placed in. My friend knowing this, told me it was just going to be a few people and there were going to be some people I knew there. LIAR. As soon as we arrive I realize why he didn't "feel" like driving. We get there and a vast majority of my peers are already inebriated. Upon entry to some random chick's house I automatically shifted into socially awkward mode. The chick who owned the place was pretty nice I guess. She complimented me a lot, in an effort I believe, to make me relax. However, this made me even more solitary. Fortunately, some old friends did end up showing up, alleviating a great amount of my social anxiety.

Think of Antarctica. Now think of the seals and orcas. Then Imagine that all the dudes were seals and the girls were orcas. And if you've ever seen a special on the Discovery Channel on this particular event then you know that the proportion between the two is weighed heavily in favor of the seal. Of course it's really the same in any relationship between two directly correlated species in the food chain. This is to give you an idea of how retarded the ratio of dudes to ladies was at this particular extravaganza. Except the orcas didn't really hunt the seals. They both kind of just awkwardly avoided each other on either side of any given room.

Well of the 5 girls that were there 3 of them were just following me around and shit. One of them (the ladie who owned the house) kept taking pictures of me. Then of her and myself together. If you think I'm bad interacting socially, you should see me when I'm faced with taking photographs. It's on a whole other level. The other two asked me a lot of questions about all kinds of random shit but they would never shut the fuck up so eventually I just kind of stopped bothering to answer altogether. I wonder what the hell is up with all this new found attention. It's probably the fact that I have long hair or something. I think some girls like that or something.

When we left I didn't really think much of the girl attack. But as it turns out one of them apparently has a crush on me. Wild. My luck is the best. I only meet a handful of cool girls while I lived here and I come back and just happen to meet one at a party that likes me but it doesn't matter because I leave in 4 days.

This made me remember once again how lonely I am. I found myself imagining life with a significant other. I think of it from time to time and there is never any real identity or face to the mystery lady. She just happens to agree with my sense of humour and likes to cuddle. That seems to be the common theme anyway.

In retrospect that whole orca/seal analogy was pretty dumb.

There was more I wanted to write but I'm super tired so I'll add more another time I suppose.

get me naked

So this trip is turning out to be everything I hoped. I needed to make sure that all the people here were shit and that has been successfully verified. With the exception of a couple people.

I was put into an awkward ass predicament a few days ago. I had received a compliment, thus making me obliged to reciprocate the adulation. I thought I did a decent job of it, but to my surprise I came off as some kind of dick-monger. Only I can give seemingly pleasant sentiments towards another and manage to come across as an asshole. Am I so fucking inept, socially, that I can ruin any positive moment with no aid of any kind but by my presence alone? Unfortunately.

Complacency won't stop it's cajolery and now I'm starting to listen. I really feel like giving up. I'm just going to say fuck people altogether, get my guitar, hopefully become good, and go from there. My friend told me I was good, nearly professional, at guitaring. And I'm pretty certain that he was being genuine. So now I must decide whether my friend is retarded or if I'm really that oblivious to my own "talent".

It's strange for me to hear all this acclamation. It's all coming at me at once. Did I really change that much in such a short period of time? Or is everyone finally deciding to acknowledge some of my fairer attributes? Or are they just being nice because of the extended hiatus I took from them?

I miss the days of where I would just play FF8 all day and lay in bed thinking all night about anything I could manage to gather enough thoughts on. I always have a set focus on my thoughts now. I'd like to just be able to think again.

I was with a girl I used to date a few years ago. I thought we had a pretty good time. Went to the pet shop, then to the park, and finally ended up at her place. She tried to put some moves on me which really surprised me. I wanted to resist her. I swear I did. She always ends up fucking up my mind. But fuck I'm lonely. And I gave in. I thought I would at least be happy for the time being. Complete opposite. I was totally indifferent to my situation while she was almost fully enthralled. From there my rationale changed. I thought we would hang out more and that I could possibly get as excited to be with her as she was with me. LOL. Well... shit sucks. I started to think about her incessantly and I was certain she was sharing the same mental onslaught on her cognition. Wrong. I haven't heard from her since and word on the street is that she doesn't want to see me again. I have no idea either. Fuck it.

It's getting harder and harder for me to make these things into coherent stories.

Oh and

So safe in monotony.
Can't help but feel betrayed.
Punch the clock every single day.
There is no loyalty and no remorse.
Youth sold for a pension check.
And it makes you fucking sick.

My advice die young and save yourself.

All I See

I'm in Alabama!!! It's been pretty ok so far. I have to go now. I'll fill all you dudesz in later!!!
AAHHHHHHHHH