Abolish

After reviewing many of my previous posts on here I've realized how shitty I am at accurately depicting my thoughts in a non douche-bag manner. I don't believe that I have done even an adequate job at portraying what I am really thinking or who I am. But everything I have put on here I have done in all honesty which I guess means that I really am a douche after all. Damn.

I can't even begin to describe my ineptitude at these things. I just have a hard time believing that anyone else shares these same thoughts or this same self. I have heard tales of being empty and things of that nature but never have I ever believed that it could amount to the void in myself. The ideas of the philosophers mentioned in my previous post have given me some kind of optimism. When I say I am apathetic towards most everything, no part of that is exaggerated. And by apathy I mean it in it's most sincere and distinct form. Advancing from that leads to my uncertainty as to whether I could ever "love" someone or be the recipient of such a thing in earnest. 

I'm becoming increasingly impatient with things not important to myself. Perhaps a rise in my own selfishness. I have always aspired to make a great difference in the world; to change it for the betterment of all people. And it's becoming increasingly difficult to deny the apathy of society for it's brethren. Why should I be a martyr for a society that after my death may pay homage to me but will be no better off for my sacrifice. I doubt I could ever have the means of making the mass care about itself as a whole instead of each man for himself and his own. I kind of wish everyone would come out and say it. Just fucking say it. "I will make any other man eat shit for myself to advance." If I ever made a difference with some great deed I doubt it would withstand the onslaught of mediocrity's fury. Nothing seems to amount to much significance in this perspective. The world is just much too big for me now. 

And now I read this and I am filled with disappointment in myself. In my defense though I have tried countless times to help, to offer myself, for someone or some cause. But they always have and seem to inevitably always proceed to deny my assistance. They say, "We the mass do not wish to improve. We are content destroying our time with these devices and even more enthralled with what makes us less invasive on ourselves." My disdain for society in itself has never been more potent. 

Contrary from what you may deduce from my writing I am not suicidal, depressed, or suffer from any other gay shit like this. I have been exposed to the horrors of the modern age and all of its constituents. It has robbed me of all that was once dear to noble men of the past. I cannot continue to convince myself of the importance of my scruples. All the vices hidden under the guise of play or even of familiarity have been tamed in myself but it seems in myself alone. Others share the same strength but they have no conviction in their stance, or at least not enough to continue their dominance of their own mind. 

I know these posts are poor at being coherent or expressing myself. Eventually I may not suck at it.

In other news I got hit on in my study group by some lady. I guess that was kind of flattering. Although, her constantly asking me to talk because she had some weird fetish crush thing for my voice was kind of weird.