An Involuntary Surplus

I don't know why I'm this pissed but seriously fuck you. What I am about to say you do not deserve to hear but in my fit of rage here I will say it. You at your current state can never be truly happy. You won't allow yourself. You can't say no and are driven by desires that have manipulated your thought process. The mass person incarnate. 

And you know maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion given the circumstances. But this has only further perpetuated the doom that I feared may not have been inevitable but now is proven otherwise. In other words I cannot trust you. Yes you told me but it was in the manner that you spoke of it that left me in awe of your technique. So unaffected and with such ease.

I will not take from you what you once wanted me to. Nor will I give you what you were willing to give me.

So fuck. I am trying to get my shit together for this final tomorrow. But I'm so fucking pissed I have to keep the guitar away from myself to keep from smashing it.

My reaction is unfair. But this was the missing piece to the doubts I had. And they are now complete like maybe we would have been. Such is my luck. 

You know I usually always have a pretty happy demeanor. Am polite to strangers and people who don't receive the things they deserve. I will not subject myself to actions or behavior that is beneath me. I would never cheat on a significant other even if I didn't love her. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt them. I would in all sincerity to make her as happy and as complete as I could. But I have done something or perhaps I am the something that keeps me from ever having these things done onto me. 

Still I fear that when you read this that you will weep. And that still hurts me to hurt another especially one who was this close. I guess it was my fault for not making you smile or laugh enough or maybe for not saying the right things at the right times. I did the best I could from my position. I'm sorry that wasn't satiable.