Tracks Go

I'm ending the musical recommendations for this blog but if there is a high enough demand and/or I just happen to feel like making a music blog I will.

Got the results of some exams back this week.

92 on my Speech exam Highest grade in my class

91 on Child Development exam Highest grade in class

100 on Astronomy exam Highest grade in class

95 on Bio exam Highest grade in class

I couldn't help but laugh at this. Especially at the speech one. It was open notes! I didn't even have notes (because that class is just too fucking stupid) and I still did better than these fucking mouth-breathers. I spent no time studying, except for the 2 minutes prior to the exam that I remembered there was an exam that day. I'm not trying to brag or sound like a dick even though I'm sure I do right now. The point is that this education is a fucking joke. Just parrot the information back. THEY GIVE YOU THE ANSWERS. JUST SAY IT BACK. I feel embarrassed, or that I'm doing something wrong. The most comical part about this whole thing is that the teachers make remarks to me and on my paper about my great studying and how great I'm doing. And I almost feel like I'm letting them down by not studying... but I don't need to. I'm not sure where this guilt is originating but I'm sure I can learn to push it aside like I do with everything else in my life and just avoid it.

Had some more conversations with my uncle about homosexuality. He's hilarious. He's completely obstinate and is empowered by it. However, he acknowledges his logical short comings. There is something to be said about being aware of yourself.

It's looking like me and my best mate Sanders will be living together within just a few months. I'm pretty excited. Enthused enough to be busting my balls making sure he gets into USA because I would hate to get stuck going there without him. Also, my uncle offered to give me his fucking jeep and pay for my first month of rent for my new pad. I could not accept this offer. Though, I have no idea how I'm going to make the trip or pay for the first month's rent without it. He's just done too much and I haven't returned enough back yet. The equation must always be balanced.

I voted for the first time. It was a forgettable experience. One old guy voting and 6 people sitting there because they liked sitting or some shit. I have no idea why those people were there to be honest.

I'm going to re-focus myself to my books and my music. I'm going to be what I want to be. The whole world can eat shit. I'm not being stopped.

Spear029

I've been playing Final Fantasy 8 for the past few days. I've been feeling bummed and lethargic but FF8 is always there to cheer me up. In case you haven't heard the rumors, they are true, I am indeed a nerd. If you haven't played it go to ebay and buy the game as well as a PS1 memory card. You will be glad you did.

Anyway, I've been consistently avoiding talking to my "girlfriend." This probably isn't very good "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" interaction crap but to be honest I just have no interest in talking to her. She talks about her day, the garbage she watches on tv, and shit the random people she knows up there does. I did try to make myself care. I really did! But you know... I don't. And as soon as I try to interject some subject of substance she just laughs and says how smart I am. afla;ksdjflkajd;sfja;sldkfjalsd;fkkasdvmnejvnipajerhdfshzlka:Dlvcmnxlcvna

It's not even that I'm that intelligent. It's just that you are that fucking stupid. Hanging out with the fam this weekend there was an effort to try to talk to my cousin. She told me I was giving her a headache and that I would be fun to smoke weed with. I know it seems like I would be totally overbearing in a genuine conversation but I usually always dumb down the vocabulary and subject matter depending on my audience. And you know it's really like limbo. You can only bend so much before you fall on your tookus. And my ass is tired of sitting.

Which brings me to my next gripe. The pseudo-intellectual. Oh I wish you could hear yourself talk. To the endless herds of media molded minds you sound like something of great achievement. A real pillar of human capacity. But you are loud, cumbersome, and ambitious. Aching for that moment of glory where you grasp the imagination of your followers by means of dialectic manipulation. Just compound complex words together and make your points blurry and vague and the mob will applaud. They know nothing else.

Somehow after watching a debate on tv and observing a history channel special on politics you are now qualified to disqualify the politicians with whom you disagree with.

I was invited to join this Phi Theta Kapa thing. Which is an honor society for people in junior colleges. Supposedly the oldest of all such societies of honor.

Uncle: Are you going to join?

Me: Probably not.

Why not?

It's fucking stupid.

but there are scholarships for this.

Yeah but this whole thing is a joke.

Why?

Do you know how much effort I put into school?

Slim to none

Exactly. The fact that I qualify for this is just retarded.

As I read over the dialogue I write in my blogs I often feel like I come off as some kind bloated egomaniac with some other kinds of superiority complex issues. But that's not true! At least not entirely. I just take things out of context to make a deliberate point in these blogs; at the expense of me sounding like an ass.

I'm grinding to the finish of this semester. I have a satisfactory amount of motivation for Astronomy and Biology but my other classes have sapped me of all will to live. Fuck those classes are lame as dicks.

The fact that we have a midterm in communication makes me want to listen to the radio. And every one knows that listening to the radio is synonymous with being suicidal.

What are listening methods people have?

What are some ways to get your audience's attention?

What are some ways to organize your presentation?

These are some of the sample questions. In what universe would knowing how to "organize" your presentation in some generic fashion ever hope to assist me in the world. How in the natural state of things would I need to know what listening methods people have. CAN YOU PLEASE COME UP WITH MORE IRRELEVANT SHIT FOR ME TO WASTE MY YOUTH WITH?! PLEASE, I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO AVOID ENJOYING MY LIFE AND YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.

Priming us to be masters of manipulation. To teach us how to sell. This is the purpose of this course. The class is filled with retards who are only good for consumption and I must learn with them on how to get others to be as worthless as they are. I find this whole thing completely distasteful.

We had an assignment to try and sell a household item as something other than it's intended purpose. examples:

Preparation age: keep you youthful

A shot glass: you suck in it and it makes your lips bigger

I kind of did this assignment but then I really didn't. I made a stapler thing called the "Brickstick" and you use it to break into peoples homes and government buildings to steal important documents and damning evidence. But I couldn't bring myself to do the presentation. I cringed as they applauded the sheer lack of creativity that paraded in front of them. The teachers enthusiasm to get us to sell some garbage as a "fun" exercise was nothing short of disgusting. LOOK AT HOW FUN TRYING TO SELL GARBAGE TO PEOPLE IS. There is nothing creative about this. There is nothing socially redeemable or any matter of significance to be learned. Instead a lesson on perpetuating propaganda as some kind of fun game has made it's way into the curriculum of the higher education system. And what's worse is that I was the only one completely revolted by this. It may seem like I'm overreacting but I'm contending that it's everyone else who is under-reacting.

And now for a new music recommendation. I've been seriously considering stopping this practice in this blog and making a whole separate blog for the purpose of music. But for now I'll keep one recommendation thing per post.

Melee

I found that when I'm not listening to music and there is something displeasing I become incredibly irratible. But with music everything is calm. I can handle anything with my music.

I was hanging out with my little cousins as I sometimes do on the weekends because I never have any other plans and also, I kind of secretly like to hang out with them. Anyway, I found them clinging to me. Fighting for the right to sit on or next to me. They tend to show negative emotions toward me in public but when they feel no one is looking they allow themselves the comfort of my company. I don't know what to say to this except that I'm flattered. Really. Truly.

As I was driving home tonight from the house I realized something about my music. I keep everything to myself save what I post on here. The tunes are a conduit for my usually calm and pleasant disposition. Essentially. I suppose that disposition is debatable but I like to think it's accurate.

I've also decided to post 1 video per post. I'm asked with some regularity about music recommendations and such, so I decided to add a music video or some other video of some significance on every post.

You are his calm

You are his calm

You are his calm

Such Small Hands

I have a tremendous amount of work and obligation building up right now. So instead of working on them right now I'm writing this. Essentially I just find ways to procrastinate even though I have every intention of doing otherwise.

I guess I technically have a girlfriend. However, it's only really in title because she was tripping balls about a title. I couldn't honestly get myself to care either way so I just kind of said, "fine." Anyway, she is stressing out about her cat that is being watched by her mother. She was going to pay a friend money to watch her cat there in Alaska so she could come and see him. As well as other retarded shit like this. And you know I kind of lucked out because she texted me this information instead of calling. Because its a lot harder to feign interest over the phone than texting a :( and have that all encompassing. She wants to ask me about her career and her future plans and if I think they are a good idea. I kind of want to just say, "Bitch, IDK" but instead I just told her the truth which was, "you probably shouldn't ask me." I have this scale of career paths and there are a number of routes that to me are essentially worthless. For in the natural state of things, is there really a need for: police, interior designers, fashion designers, politicians, etc. All of these things are a result of socially constructed bullshit. So in my mind if you were going to devote your life to one of these things, it would essentially become irrelevant if it wasn't already.

I really don't even know if I like her. I did before and sometimes do in fickle spurts but it seems like I can't stand her more and more. However, she has spent a lot of money already to come and visit. and so I'm kind of in a bind. Why the fuck does she have to like me? I honestly feel like she thinks she loves me... and I can't stand her. What is wrong with me? Part of it is definitely my fault but she's so dumb and her grammar is terrible, she couldn't spell her way out of a box, and she has this awful sense of humor. AND HER MANNERISMS, god dammit her mannerisms... she has none of her own; it's more of a series of stolen shit and then this is the best part... she copies mine! It's kind of alright if used almost never but not every time we fucking talk. God dammit copying me is not clever. WHY CAN'T YOU BE CLEVER?!

I think I'm moving to Mobile, Alabama after this semester and hopefully I will end up rooming with my good friend Kate. The original plan was with Sean but he kind of just decided to be lame and I'm not really down with that. If only Sanders would come to Mobile! Sanders I'm telling you to move to Mobile. So when you read this you should then decide that you want to go to Mobile too!

We are having speeches in communications class. So far, we've had speeches on: stereotypes (which was essentially a list of stereotypes and why it hurt her feelings), Myley Cyrus (literally about myley cyrus), the dream act (the girl just cried), and some other shit.

Our speech requirements were to make an INFORMATIVE speech that was SOCIALLY SIGNIFICANT, and to establish why we should all care about that topic. It should be COMPELLING, INTERESTING, and ORIGINAL. So taking those topics in within the context of the guidelines of the speech you can see that the people in communication class are fucking retarded. And yet the feedback from the class was usually, "wow what a great speech." I'm literally trying my best to listen but all I can hear is myself telling myself, "This can't possibly be the worst thing I've ever had to listen through." but then it kind of was.

OH SHIT and this black guy, the only black guy, was talking about hip hop. Which he kind of just said lil wayne sucks (props for that), talked about people getting killed, and then played some song. To convey these 3 items of information took him 32 minutes. The time limit is 5-7 minutes.

I'm hoping that they are lying and really hate those speeches too. Because if they sincerely think those "speeches" were good then I'm pretty sure they pretty much gave up on life in the third grade or something.

I'm a cynic.

My biology teacher came up to me at the beginning of class and was excited about giving me back my test. He said, "Brian! You screwed up the curve! Great job studying really, you got the best grade in the class!" He said it so everyone in class could definitely hear. It's kind of crazy to have my teacher more excited about my grades then I was/am. My teacher is cool as shit though, so I didn't want to tell him that I didn't really study. We usually have talks about things like pheromones, ideas of how the poles on Earth shift, the LHC, genetic mutations, etc. He never calls on me in class anymore because I think he tries to make it seem like I'm not his favorite... but I'm definitely his favorite.

They find ways to replace you every night. You swear your hearts align but the maps are in a blur. Congruency among the lines of joined bodies convince that your truth is alive. Oh how do you explain those lines!

Prahanian

I called Tasha tonight. It went surprisingly well. We probably won't talk again unless something drastic happens or until my next birthday. But it still was nice. I think the fact that we were kind of bored of each other and taking this long of a hiatus from talking made all of our usual mannerisms and such enjoyable to each other again.

There is something that I am missing. I observe all kinds of classes and all kinds of social events and things but I never encounter or witness anything like what I do on a daily basis. It's completely bizarre. Everyone avoids me in my classes unless they can't help it. And when they do get grouped up with me they are rather really interested in what I say or they have already decided they hate me. For instance, my speech class has a full classroom minus 4 empty seats. Those four empty seats just happen to be all the seats around me. In my Child Development class, there are tables of 3. All of the tables are filled except for mine. Instead of anyone sitting next to me they would rather sit in the awkward chair to the side in the front that is not in a position to see anything. There was 1 empty seat in my Astronomy class and it was the seat next to mine. Is there something I'm not getting? I sometimes smell myself just to make sure I'm not rancid or something. As it turns out I always smell delicious. And I know I'm not the greatest looking guy but when people would rather sit next the 500 lb. guy that smells like body odor and milk... I can't but feel like something is wrong.

That girl is going to be visiting at the end of November. I actually think like it's going to be an enjoyable time.

My uncle and I are at odds. Apparently getting a job here is as easy as putting in a few applications. This town with one fucking stoplight that is predominately hispanic with 6 businesses is just itching to hire people. Especially a very poor spanish speaker that everyone seems to have an aversion to.

I have the first 2 pages of my new book completed! I'm sending it to my best comrade Sanders for review. And I actually respect his opinion on literature and really on all things artistic and/or creative. So I'm kind of anxious to see how his response will be.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Building Steam

My music is apparently depressing. I never really realized the sadness in nature of a lot of the music I listen to until I play it around someone else. I don't hear the sorrow and such I suppose. To me it's beautiful. It's a reverberation of life itself. A rallying cry for the humanity in all of us. I'm actually lifted up when I listen to my "sad" music. I wonder how strange that is. That music like this makes me happy. Or if it is even strange at all.

The best music is the shit that we can hold an image of in our minds and just be glad for it to exist. Because that delicious tune harmonized with who you are/were. You feel your soul sync to the artist. Maybe, not the artist specifically or even the song but perhaps what it represents. The feeling that in any moment you were not alone. God wasn't with you, or your passed loved ones, or whatever else you may believe in. But everything that ever was smiles upon you. Everything that has ever happened was built up for that moment when you listened and understood. You are you. I loved driving late at night in the rain for this very reason. Everything seems so clear. You are entirely aware of where you are, in that car, passing through time itself and it feels as if the blood you now feel coursing is composed of something warm and good. You can't help but smile. You know you will forget later on but for this instant you have shed your mortality. The magic of feeling yourself as yourself. This is the majesty of music.

I take back what I said about my speech class. It. Fucking. Blows. Harder. Than. Everything. That. Has. Ever. Blown. I really cannot begin to express my disappointment in having that class. I'm trying my best to try and like it but I've already given up. I am but a man.

I'm having a tremendous amount of anxiety about calling Tasha. Her birthday is a few days and I promised to call. Fuck.

My biology class is pretty awesome it turns out. Everyone in there is dumb as fuck which is lame as shit but I'm kind of used to it by now. Also, me and the teacher get along really well so thats pretty neat. Plus, I think this chick I got partnered with thought I was flirting with her or something because she totally gave me her digits.

Astronomy is fucking amazing. Take that class.

Child Development is still pretty interesting.

I'm getting better at being me.

Paperback

"So I tell the whole world that it can kill itself" - The velvet teen

"Is it my fault if this was planned?.. and yes... it was" - The Early November

Those are just some tasty lyrics I've been thinking about.

I started my fall semester this week and so far my classes seem pretty alright.

Speech = Snorefest as nothing that has come from the 2 classes so far proved in any way interesting. However, the teacher is a total babe and that makes the class pretty alright. Oh and we were forced to get to know people and I got partnered with some girl who looked EXACTLY like an ex of mine and I think she thought I was flirting with her or something because the next class she had gotten all dressed and fancied up and proceeded to talk to me again about all kinds of lame things.

Astronomy = Nerdy ass teacher with glasses and long hair in a ponytale and that whole bit. But on the first day of class he was talking about dark matter and dark energy which was pretty epic. Also, he's actually cool and astronomy is crazy interesting so that is my favorite class. And I think I'll look forward to going to it.

Child Development = Surprised me by how interesting it really is. Most everything we are dealing with is psychology which is always awesome to learn about. And also I sit by a large guy with a sick beard and 2 exceptionally fine females. Which is pretty fucking epic.

Biology = haven't gone to that class yet but I'll keep you posted.

So I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Some days I decide to focus on my writing and just go into English and then nights like tonight I decide that music is my true calling and that I should be pursuing that no matter what. I just need to find a wealthy, lonely lady who is at least tolerable and marry her. That way I can just spend my days thinking, writing, and trying to make music like I do right now. Basically a sugar momma.

There's a girl that wants to come visit me. She is pretty and whatnot but she insists that we become boyfriend/girlfriend but I really am not down with that. First off, I'm not trying to start another long distance fiasco. Second, she is not someone who I want to hang with for extended periods of time. Third, who the fuck cares about titles that much? Fucking nuts why can't people just like each other and then be together. All of these crippling formalities brought on by "tradition" and other shitty shit. I like her but I'm not IN LIKE with her. And the whole situation is becoming bizarre because this whole thing was her idea and the whole reason she is doing it is because she wants to do me. But then she tries to use "no sex" as leverage against me to get me to ask her out. You can't use something you want more than me as a bargaining chip for yourself to get me to do something. I think I worded that as confusing as possible. And furthermore, if I said, "No I don't want to date you" she would still come to visit me.

I swear I'm drowning in my mind sometimes.

It's my vestibular system. Had a 5 hour appointment with a neuro-psychologist and he found that the damage from my accident was in my vestibular system. It explains everything perfectly but of course is incurable. And in case you didn't know the vestibular system is just the shit in your inner ear that controls your balance and whatnot.

There is a contingency among these fiends

Martyr and reap the willing.

Endorse magnanimity and praise the skies.

For everything else below us lies.

build-a-ho

So I was asked what I looked for in a girl. But I don't fucking know. It's not like a lady has to fit a mold in order for me to like her. I've liked all kinds of different bitches; it really depends on my particular mood at the time of engagement. The question, "What kind of girls do you go for?" Girls that fit into a generic "type" of girl probably aren't it. So I'm insatiable so what. I'm not trying to get with every girl I see. I don't need their company to tell me I'm a good person or to keep me from being lonely or to tell me I'm attractive. I have my share of self-esteem issues but I don't need other people to reaffirm what I already know. And I know these things through thorough knowledge of myself not from external sources that tell me I'm doing acceptable behavior or contributing admirably to society. Fuck that shit. Honestly it's as simple as this. If I meet a girl that I like and I actually want to keep talking to her and/or being around her then that means she is probably better than every other girl I've ever met and is my "type."

If it had to be categorized into something (I was asked this) I guess it would be this list of shit:

Intelligent - A wide vocabulary and a decent amount of worldly knowledge would suffice

Humor - My jokes are bad and I make a lot of them. But I swear to god some of them are fucking funny. If I make you laugh that's epic. If you can make me laugh then I already love you

Done. If a lady has this shit going on then she probably has everything else going on too. If she's informed about shit then she's probably going to know and feel similar to myself on a lot of criteria and if she doesn't she's smart enough to have educated conversations/debates about things which is also awesome. Also, a girl with this shit isn't going to be a douchebag. No one that is really funny is a douchebag. So it's all is predicated around that I suppose.

Honestly, all I'd want to do is snuggle up and watch Frisky Dingo on Dvd and giggle. Then have intelligent conversations about shit and then goof around and talk about stupid crap. That's all I'd want. What do I need to get with other girls for when they can't give me what I want? I don't want their bodies (well I guess I do to some extent) but that is not nearly enough incentive to feign interest in their incredibly exhausted repertoire of mundane and generic stories. I tell ya these girls I've met are so fucking boringgggggg holy fucking shit. Don't get me wrong I actually kind of like boring but not all of the god damn fucking time. Fuck.

An example of what I can't stand:

How was your day?

ok

How was yours?

same old.

-next day-

How was your day?

ITS THE SAME FUCKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY. FUCK YOUR STUPID SMALL TALK THAT MEANS NOTHING AND WILL ALWAYS MEAN NOTHING. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE DAY IM SURE YOU'LL TELL ME OR I'LL TELL YOU. LKAJSL:KJADS:FKJASLDKJAS:LDJKASDL!!!! Seriously I can't stand this how are you? How was your day? How have you been? It's SOOOOOOOOOOO BORING holy god damn fuck. I hear my dad and my step mom talk like this every day. And I want to fucking puncture myself with pointy shit laying around the house. I think part of the reason me and Tasha didn't work was because I hated it and she liked it and she was incapable of conversation greater than this. SO NO I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU EVERY NIGHT TO HEAR THE SAME THING EVERY NIGHT. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS BY ALL MEANS CALL ME BUT OTHERWISE I CAN GUESS HOW UNEVENTFUL YOUR DAY WAS.

I think people make the mistake about their significant other like this. They find someone they like but not someone they like AND want to like. If that makes sense. It's easy as fuck to like someone. Fuck I like a lot of people... usually until I get to know them. It takes a person worthwhile to make you say "Hot Dog! That lady is interesting!" or man or whatever. There are too many gilded vessels and it's hiding all of the good ones.

I think people just have nothing better to talk about. And I blame fucking MTV. You know we've reached a new low when fucking The Jersey Shore is doing well in ratings. What the fuck could these people possibly talk about when they are trying to keep up with the mother fucking Kardashians. They going to talk about the LHC or dark matter or metaphysics or art? Can they even talk about anything worthwhile? The answer is an overwhelming no for most of my peers. I can convert and learn how to fist pump and listen to the radio and put gel in my hair and where torn up jeans with flip flops. I could do that. I could do that and make a ton of friends and possibly lady friends. I think the bright side in that scenario is I would be too stupid to realize how fucking stupid everyone else was so I'd be down with it. Don't worry 2 remaining people that read this blog I have no intention of doing such a thing.

I'm done ranting for now. Hopefully, my next post will be more entertaining and informative and such.

Alvarez

My good friend called me a few nights back crying. Kate was troubled that a boy she liked moved away and she didn't realize the extent of her feelings until he left and was really upset. Afterwards her first instinct was to call me. It felt awesome to be there for her and to know that I actually was as close to her as she had said I was.

Went to register for my classes today. Talked to a new counselor. I was wearing my Copeland shirt. And we talked about the composer for like 10 minutes and when I left she told me she liked my shirt and it made my day.

My cynicism is rising.

"Understand that the Moon loves the Sun. There was supposed to be dark but the Moon continues the Sun's reach. It isn't until the clouds shun the light that the dark seems to creep. And these things in the heavens can teach us much about ourselves. The innate goodness of the cosmos is always stretching but there are always places of shade. Some men sit under great oaks, others wear sunscreen, most just stay inside. Those that stand naked in her great light unabashed by themselves will find that evil men can make great clouds."

Signature

I was in Alabama for about 3 weeks. It was a bit better than the last time I was there but it's still pretty shitty. I spent the entire time hanging with my best friend Sanders because he's actually a cool dude and also his mom is super fine and loves me. I also hung with my good friend Kate a lot more than I had anticipated I would. It turns out she actually missed me and being able to hang with her was pretty nice.

While I was there I wanted to confront an old ex and try to make amends. When I saw her I helped her cook dinner for her parents who actually still love me.

This is literally what happened.

Mariana: Oh shit my mom is here.

Brian: Is she going to be mad that I'm here?

Mariana: She still loves you.

Brian: haha what? that's so weird.

Mariana: Hey Mom your favorite person is here.

Mom: BRIAN!?! Oh it is you Brian!! OHHH how have you been?

Yeah then she gave me an invitation to come over any time I wanted. Which is kind of a weird thing to give your daughters ex-boyfriend. Anyway after that whole dinner bit her parents went to bed and we ended up having sex. Which was really just a consummation between two lonely people. It didn't mean anything really. But I still felt regret for it because my intentions were much more pure than that. After that it was weird between us again and then she confessed her continued love for me. So naturally I felt like suck for doing it with her and I guess leading her on again. Ultimately, I came there to make amends and it ended up being worse. Although, I did learn an important bit about myself; I don't really need company nor do I really even want it, it's just something that would be nice sometimes. And by company I really mean a girl. I'm at a point now where I feel like I wouldn't ever need a partner.

The other high point of my trip was seeing my step sister. I knew how much she missed me so I made a strong effort to spend a lot of time with her. She has serious emotional control issues where she will just get really upset about the slightest shit or overreact to a bug in the house and it sabotages her whole attitude. She needs someone like me around to help keep her on check so it's cool to be there for her. Also, she is really cool when she wants to be or better yet when she isn't afraid to be. I'm trying to get her over her self-esteem issues and teach her about things like psychology, and philosophy. This of course at the risk of turning her into a cynic as well.

Finally, I'm back in California and my real brother is here. He's pretty annoying but it turns out his dad has been talking to him about all kinds of philosophical shit and he's substantially less retarded. Which is AWESOME. I still have much to teach him in this short period of time but I think he's going to turn into a good kid.

For when the ground shakes and when we move

The whole world stands still to watch our show

And when our lines meet and when we blur

The Earth shrugs at the moon.

I am the end

that justifies your means.

I have an ex that I really enjoyed being with (for the most part). Now I'm wondering why I broke it off. I mean she was crazy as a mug but when she wasn't crazy it was really nice. I don't know, sometimes I really feel like I don't understand myself. Then during those same moments I feel as if I know myself too well and try to convince myself I don't. I don't want to see the things that truly drive me. That shit is really difficult to face. Anyway, I started talking to her again and am trying to offer my hand in friendship. I have a crippling fear of burning bridges that I usually hide by being apathetic. I truly believe I am until I'm mourning those burnt bridges uncontrollably.

I've been talking to a couple of girls lately. Lulu is a girl in my English class who has an awesome sense of humor and there's another girl named Rachel back in Florida who I've known for a while who I just recently started talking to again. Honestly, I think I've gotten to the point where I just want company and don't really care as to where or who it comes from.

I still miss Tasha. It's taking everything in me to not call her. I told her I wouldn't call her again until her birthday which is several months away but it's so hard when I keep coming across shit that reminds me of her. Which is at least 70% of everything.

Bitches.

I knew our conversation would rather be shit or awesome. It was shit. I continue to refrain from hurting her feelings and in exchange she tramples and stomps more furiously over mine.

I bit my tongue incessantly as I let her take the easy route out.

I may sound full of myself right now. But she's going to regret this. I don't want her to, I tried to make it so she wouldn't. But whatever. I made everything way too fucking easy for her. So now she just takes advantage of everything I've done or will do. Fuck. that.

Oh and it was just my birthday. I had a mandatory presentation on the gold standard. There was a bright spot.................. I got a phone number! Some girl in class gave me them digits. How exciting. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. The fact that not a single one of my friends called or texted me kind of stung but I'll get over it. At least my family remembered.

Oh well birthdays are for chumps.

Next up. Reports on the Monetary system and the War in Iraq. Followed by Final exams and more failed job interviews.

5 days and counting

and here you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmw6bduiRJQ

Instead of counting down the days until my birthday. I'm counting down the days until Tasha calls me (which she will on my birthday). All I'm thinking about is how the conversation is going to go. Awkwardness and bitterness or nostalgia and laughs.

I really miss Tasha. And I don't know if I wish I didn't.

I'm actually getting along with my cousins now. For whatever reason they keep trying to hang out with me. It's actually pretty flattering. And to be honest I do kind of enjoy teaching them things about music and helping them learn to play guitar. Their alright.

I need to call an ex. She loved me and I broke her heart (I didn't love her back). It's not really my fault for not loving her but the way we ended was not very good. She's probably forgotten about it but I don't forget about that sort of thing. If I ever hurt someone... it stays with me forever. Especially if they didn't deserve it.

I'm really lame.

Straight up buttsuck

So my English teacher decided I was "too talented" to write my final research paper about the topic I chose (I picked gay marriage). Then throughout the rest of the class singled me out for not trying during the course of the year. Sorry. When my fellow students can barely read and make equivalent grades on essay assignments I find very little incentive to try. And yes, there are many students who cannot read above a 7th grade level. I'm not even exaggerating. They are sounding out any 3+ syllable word because their usual 12 word vernacular doesn't contain any such 3+ syllable words. IF YOU ARE IN COLLEGE AND THE TEACHER IS STILL HELPING YOU SOUND OUT WORDS THEN WTF ARE YOU DOING IN COLLEGE? AND WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED TO FUCKING READ? The fact that we are in the same class bothers me. Most of them put forth an earnest effort and I do appreciate the effort. I really do. But am I supposed to bust my ass to get an 'A' or can I do as I already do, fucking what I have to and get an 'A' anyway? Especially when the guy next to me writing about Bob fucking Marley gets a better grade than me and some lady who can't read gets the equivalent grade? I think the answer is obvious. If I'm going to really fucking try there should be a reason for me to. The whole system has encouraged memorization instead of practical application and the results are college students who can barely read.

This statement by Mr. Emerson continues to reverberate, "School is the place where gems are dimmed and stones are polished." I don't think myself as an elitist although much of what I say and do could be categorized as such. I don't look down upon my peers unless they give me a reason to do so. My perception is anything but innate. If a person is stupid, or something of the like, why the fuck should I look at that person as my equal? Not to say, I think of myself as an intellectual but how did that person earn enough respect from me to make me look at them as I would myself? They haven't earned it so they won't get it. I don't believe anyone can sincerely think otherwise and the people who claim to, are just being politically correct or are lying to themselves. If a person is dumb as fuck, shouldn't they know it? And if so, why the fuck haven't they tried to learn shit? Because it's cool to be a fucking moron. There are obviously other reasons but this one seems to be the most prevalent. What incentive is there in becoming less retarded if the masses look down on those who excel. The answer is obvious, (it's for you, this life is yours and you should learn about the world surrounding it) but the mass doesn't care about it so they don't. Fucking drones. There is no place in my heart or mind for such machines. On the other hand, if they don't know they are dumb then they are probably on a whole other level of fucking stupid that I'm not even going to bother writing about.

I felt regret and shame. I made her fall in love with me when I pretty much knew I wouldn't ever love her back. However, there was some part of me that did care. That consideration and my regret made me convince myself I loved her back. I set myself up for failure as a punishment for the hurt that I would inevitably cause her. It was the only way to balance the equation. She didn't deserve the pain I was going to (unintentionally) give her, so I did what I could to brunt the blow. In this case, take all of it. I can be such a fucking masochist sometimes. Looking back this whole ordeal was a fucking waste of time. She was in many ways a waste of time. I don't have any regrets though. I learned a lot about myself and that's the kind of shit that stays with you forever.

I'll be 21 in about 2 weeks. And I have no intention of getting, "smashed", "drunk", or anything of the sort. That rather makes me the coolest or lamest 20 going on 21 year old in history. Or maybe just a guy that doesn't drink. IDK

Have you passed through this night?

This great evil

Wheres it come from?

How'd it still in our world?

What seed?

What root did it grow from?

Whose doing this?

Whose killing us?

Robbing us of life and light

Mocking us with the sight of what we might have known

Does our world benefit the Earth?

Does it help the grass to grow or the sun to shine?

Is this darkness in you too?

Have you passed through this night?

- Explosions in the Sky.

Finality

can be such an ugly thing.

We are over. Tasha and I are no longer together. I thought I would be as crushed as I was the last time it happened. But I took it like a champ. I guess I've been preparing myself for this for a while now. I think it's funny how she thinks I'm so gullible after all of this time. I knew she wasn't going to be visiting me next month like she said she would. I knew she didn't believe in me. And I knew she had a thing for some other dude down there. Yet, she tried to convince me of the contrary. I could have made her admit that she was lying but I understood why. She didn't want to hurt my feelings and she wanted to save face. That believing part was the thing that stood out.

Me: I just want to ask; do you believe in me?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Do you believe that I'll succeed in my music?

Her: I don't know I can't see the future.

Me: I know that but do you think I will.

Her: I don't know

Me: I'm going to.

Her: Then you will.

Me: Do you believe that?

Her: I don't know what you're asking.

Me: Don't worry about it. You just made this much easier on me.

Her ineptitude on grasping certain things continues to blow my mind. Also, the fact that she tried to avoid directly answering my questions, including the example above, was something else. She told me she felt like she was changing. I told her she had. Yet when I explained to her some of the changes she tried to establish the fact that her just joining the Navy had nothing to do with it. Come on. Seriously. She isn't the same girl who came to visit me in Alabama, or the girl that came to California. That girl had humour and would say whatever the fuck she wanted. This new girl can't speak her mind and refuses to laugh. I'm in love with who she was and that distorted my judgement on who she was becoming. I tried to keep her from changing. The lure of assimilation > than whatever influence I tried to impose. I willed her to stay a certain way to better herself in her own unique way. She was too busy to respect herself.

I did suffer some damage as a result of this "breakup". Minus the Bear and Copeland, (two bands that I love) will never be the same for me. However, I did gain some shit as a result. I know longer have any obligations toward her or any other girl. Mostly that just means I don't have to fucking talk on the phone everyday (I hate talking on the phone). I know that this girl who once meant so much to me never believed in me. I will never let myself be fooled like that again. And now I have even more incentive to pursue my passion of music.

She once told me I was her best friend and that I knew her better than anyone else. That was only about two months ago. Funny how quickly things can change. I was her "soulmate" but after a couple of months of being away, I lost my luster.

I 'm reading this over and I sound really bitter. I actually thought I would be. It's more of a relief than anything to be honest. She was really dominating a lot of my cognition and so it will be nice to have my brain belonging to me again. There is still a part of me that cares about her but that part of her that I love is dying if it isn't already dead.

Bananajamas

I need to move. At least I think I do. I miscalculated a lot of things when I decided to move here.

I MIGHT BE GOING TO EUROPE THIS SUMMER! If I get a bunch of money somehow. My lawyer is still working out some shit for my settlement. I got a call yesterday about my transcripts from school. Essentially they are trying to show how the accident has effected my grades and use that information as part of the settlement negotiations. Hopefully, this plays little factor because I was on the Dean's list last semester :(. That was only because I took retarded classes here in town that required absolutely no effort. The only thing going for me is the C I got in Statistics. I really hope that because I can coast through school doesn't detract from the fact that the accident I had really fucked me up. Also, I'm hoping the money I get from the settlement is enough to pay for that trip to Europe. AHHH that shit would be so cool.

This guy on TV was a politician for a while and was on some news talk show type deal. He said, "Western Civilization is heading in an unsustainable direction. I'm really worried for it." That's not completely verbatim but almost. Anyway, that dude is right. If you haven't already watch this shit!

zeitgeistmovie.com (two movies on there)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XVnhh6Yqec&feature=related (Alex Jones interviewing Peter Joseph... there are 11 parts all of which provide some interesting information and perspective)

There are a lot of other videos you should check out but I really like these.

Substitute

It's only then do I see that we are destined for failure

Because the shapes that she makes are like pen down to paper

And the lines that she draws are like maps

-This Town Needs Guns

Brilliant.

I got a dog today. I have a lot of negative feelings towards the idea of "pets" in general but I won't get into that. I wanted to name him HungryTed but somehow I was the only one who thought that name was epic. After a lot of debate and name calling we came up with... Smooth Jazz. I KNOW! Sick name. Still not quite as tasty as HungryTed though.

I see the lure

in assimilation. Tasha and I had a "debate" on happiness.

Me: There is a difference between sincere, genuine happiness and the gilded "happiness" that one acquires when they have acquired all the shit that other people say should make them pleased.

Her: How do you know there is a difference?

Me: How can there not be? I don't want to believe that, that weak minded twat is going to be allowed the same level of happiness as someone who has accomplished and has lived a life that they really loved. So I won't believe otherwise.

Her: Do you think you will ever be satisfied?

Me: I don't know... probably... I will.

Her: How do you know?

Me: I won't allow myself to not be.

I know she hates when I talk like this but I can't help it. I wish she wasn't so fucking scared to just tell me shit. I wish she would just say, "Your fucking full of shit this is why you're wrong..." I want to be able to have a conversation that incorporates philosophy, ideas, science, and speculation. I don't think I will ever get that with her. She refuses to change anything. I really don't mean to push her in any given "mental path" but I just want to provide an incentive for her to read up on some shit and use more of her cognition on important shit than on all the tedious things she normally spends it on. I know there is some brilliance in there somewhere, and I intend on bringing that out. She has the potential to be something really fucking special, I really feel it. I think she is afraid of it and I want her not to be. I've been insisting that she reads "The Fountainhead" some other philosophy books, and watch some very thought provoking videos, but again she refuses to do any of these. Our range of conversation is limited. She is quiet in general so it's usually up to me to keep up the conversation (even though I'm quiet too). I don't mind that but I can only make up jokes and small talk for so long. I want to talk about something more interesting and in depth but she refuses to. Unfortunately, she can't.

Another recent conversation

Her: Sometimes people just like things. There doesn't have to be a reason they just like it. There isn't a need to think about it.

Me: (subconsciously I thought "Please tell me you don't really think like this") There is a reason. There is always a reason.

Her: Why? Why can't there be things that people just like?

Me: Maybe that's possible but I seriously doubt it. Think about it. There are two influences in our life nature (our genes) and nurture (our environment). Those two things are the sole reasons for preference and desire. We draw on past experiences to learn from which lead to tendencies. Everything we do is in some way influenced by something. Whether internal or external doesn't make that much of a difference. The real problem or question we should think about to answer almost everything we have just discussed is this: How much of you is you?

Her: All of me is me.

Me: In a literal sense. There is shit that wants you to stay a certain way and wants to make it so fucking appealing to just not think about it. But you have to. You fucking have to. When you don't think about that shit what are you thinking about? Is anything else really worth the time of your thought? Is anything else really worth the effort or energy you invest into it? You can ignore it if you want. I can understand if you choose this route but I can't. I feel like the only things worth your time and thought is the shit you love, and the shit you think about to better understand you. That's it. Everything else is conditioned.

Now keep in mind that these conversations aren't verbatim. However, they are very accurate, and the points made were made in the real thing.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know what it is about her that draws me in. I've never been this close with another girl, although I don't have a ton of experiences in that department. Some days I feel like nothing can stop us and other days I don't know why she even means anything to me. Maybe I'm just fickle. We actually have a lot of the same positions on things, she really doesn't care about material things, or most things in general. Which is awesome. There are other things that we agree on about higher philosophical crap but she hasn't learned about a fraction of the shit I have. Her feelings were innate. I "educated" myself to this point, she reached hers by the strength of her own mind. So, how can she not have bananas potential if she has already innately learned so much about the world without actually trying to learn about the world.

If she is the real deal there are certain things I want to be able to do. I want to be able to have deep conversations, I want to be able to talk about nothing and just be able to fucking goof around. We as of this moment cannot do all of those things.

fusion

Alright, so I hate to talk about it again but I need to address the shit in my prior two posts. Things have gotten better between me and Tasha. There is a whole lot of things going on in my head pertaining to our relationship and I don't want to get into that right now.

Anyway, so as usual there is a bunch of shit going on that I'm not digging. At all. The president OK'd the execution of an American citizen without due process because of suspicion alone. Because of this "terrorist" threat. I really hope that there is some extenuating circumstances that he can't explain because that is just bullshit. On a positive note some republican openly bashed Fox News to a tea party crowd. I thought that was pretty epic.

So on to that good. I fucking hate this entitlement or "equality" shit that people are so sure of. Let get some things fucking straight. All men are not created equal. Let me elaborate. People who are born with a fucking silver spoon are better off than people who aren't. Obviously. People who were birthed with abnormalities or defects are obviously inhibited in ways that most of aren't. Objections to either of these statements? Didn't think so. Now to progress to the idea that all men are just plain equal. Can you really say that a brilliant scientist who makes a historical discovery and an immature overage kid who likes to get fucked up every chance they get are equal? Their opinions do not hold the same merit. So to all the fucking retarded ass twats that think that their opinion has merit because everyone is entitled to an opinion is a fucking retarded ass twat. I say this because for those whose opinions are based off of nothing but personal experience and subjectivism cannot possibly have an opinion as qualified as someone who actually has earned the right to express their opinion on the subject because they have researched it. To clarify, you do not have the right or privilege to proclaim your opinion unless you have inputed the proper preparation into arriving at that opinion. I'm not talking about mundane ordinary shit. I'm talking about important things like globalization, religion, economics, philosophy, etc. Essentially all that statement means, is that salient, ethnical, gender based qualities are in no way an indicator of any given person's prowess at any given subject.

I'm saying this because when I hear someone acting like what they say means fucking anything just because they said it, makes me want to harm an infant (not really but you get it).

http://vimeo.com/10707453

Almost everything else I want to say is better explained in that video. It's long as shit but it's worth it. The whole Zeitgeist movement is pretty splendid. And I'm all down for the Venus Project. If you don't know what either of these things are google Zeitgeist and watch the 2 videos on the main page. Then watch the video on the link above :).

I came up with this line walking home from college:

You walk with your head so high

that you can't see what you crush beneath

I would like to add something. Do people not realize their own inadequacies? Do they not realize that they have amounted and will never amount to anything more than a consumer? For if they did, how could they possibly feel like the shit they spew has any fucking purpose. You do not help the world. You contribute nothing. You do not have the fucking right for fucking anything. Fuck I hate those people. So sure their words are in some way pertinent to the people around them, that they insist and insist on them. I think they genuinely believe that the shit concocted in their head is going to blow the minds of those around them and that those in close proximity should fucking listen and heed whatever was just said. No. You people are fucking meaningless. I'm sorry to say that but it's true. You consume and your epitaph would read for nothing more than "This guy bought a lot of shit." There is no need for that person to exist. They demand, antagonize, and destroy. Contribute nothing, establish nothing, but yet have the audacity to acquire. Tell me in what way can a man react to these people other than shame? You can't change them. I always used to wonder if other people were really alive. Not in a philosophical sense but in the most literal. If they were just there to fill in space and were programmed to do certain things. I had these thoughts since I was in fucking 4th grade. I tried to imitate them. "What would I do if I were one of those people who just kind of are?" I could never figure out what to do. So now the question remains. Are other people really alive or is it some elaborate prank by your brain or maybe something much higher? Taking the more sensible stance that people are indeed alive it becomes even more frightening to think that these people would surely know of their own feebleness and make no effort to change.

When you are that person, you cannot be happy. You have not earned the right. You earn shit in life. If your mind is incapable, or if you sabotage your mind from being capable, then all of those luxuries of the conscientious and the deserving will never find refuge in you.

I said earlier "Any objections... Didn't think so", those two brief statements I really hate hearing and I hate even more to say them. But it was the only way I could explain what I wanted to say without rewriting the rest of the paragraph. So I said "fuck it."

Masochism sucks

I fucking ruined everything. This shit really, seriously sucks.

I saw Tasha (the girl I'm dating or was dating before tonight) two weekends ago. Nothing was the same. From the moment I saw her I felt that it was off.

I drove roughly 7 hours to go see her in San Diego (14 hours total). I felt nothing when I saw her. Although, I never really particularly felt anything when I saw her; it was a different kind of nothing. This new "nothing" was indifferent. We hung out and did stuff and that night as we laid in that hotel bed she confided in me.

Her: What do you feel right now?

Me: I don't know

Her: I feel like...

Me: hmm?

Her: I just feel...

Me: You don't feel anything?

Her: Yeah...

Me: I know

I didn't either. I stayed 3 days and at no point during that time did I feel any kind of compulsion towards her. Just this vast indifference. She reciprocated. She dropped hints or at least what I perceived or continue to perceive as hints as to her intentions with our relationship. "If you meet someone you really like I want you to go to her." "If things don't work out like we want don't feel bad plans never seem to go the way you want." etc.

We talk differently now. She thinks... as I do. I don't know if it was me who tainted her or the military or just her. She tells me how she feels this vast nothing for everything and how she doesn't know what she wants and things of this nature. You would think that I would feel excited to have a such a similar mind as my partner but I'm terrified. I don't wish anyone to have to think or "feel" like I do. I fucking suck, I don't want someone else to have to deal with this crap. We've had long conversations about finding happiness and finding out what exactly it is that we are. At first she disagreed with a lot of my points of view. Then gradually her mind came to my side of thought. For instance.

Me: I can't help but think of my motives for my motives. What I mean is WHY do I want to do x WHAT compels me in any given direction. I have to know me. Only the incredibly pretentious or wise would dare say that they understand such things. I don't believe I would allow myself the privilege of genuine happiness until I figured that shit out. Maybe not completely but at least to some kind of satisfactory level.

Her: I've been me for 20 years I think I know me.

Me: Well, you are very fortunate.

Fastforward a bit

Her: I don't know what I want. I thought I knew me but I guess I don't.

Me: I know. I don't either. We can try to work at it together.

Her: How? How could you possibly help me with that?

Me: I don't know. We will do what we want and find out what we like and what we don't and figure the rest of the shit out from there.

Tonight she confided in me again as to her confusion and frustration with herself and her life. In so many ways she was saying why she didn't want to be with me anymore. I made it easier for her. I don't wish for her to have any kind of burden. I guess I'm kind of used to this sort of thing so I let her walk further away from me. I didn't/don't want her to go but my inner masochist cherishes the thought of letting the one girl who ever cared about me just walk away. Not just to let her walk away but highlight the path for her. If she doesn't know what she wants then it probably isn't me so why make it harder for her? She doesn't deserve to be hurt and if I can keep her from being hurt then I'll take it on. I can fucking take it. Godammit I don't want this. I fucking hate that she means something to me. I want us to be together FUCK I want us to be together. Oh god. oh fucking god. why? I can't just have one fucking thing? Just one fucking thing to talk to or to hold? Can I have one person who fucking cares? no. Of course I cant. I guess I don't deserve it. Fine. Fucking fine. I can deal. I just don't fucking want to. GOD DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO. I hate this I HATE THIS. I want to tell her I want to yell and scream and do everything I can to tell her how much I want us to work. But she doesnt want us to work. And I would just make it harder for her by saying such things. So I'll hurt myself I'll tell her its ok. I'll tell her to do what she wants. And each line will erode me a little more than the last. I FUCKING HATE READING THIS. I FUCKING HATE HOW PATHETIC I AM AND HOW PATHETIC I SOUND. I hate that I care enough about her to not try and make it work.

I never "felt" anything for her. But this is destroying me. Every time we part it just kills me. She's gone and I turn to shit. I managed to get some girl to love me. And then not only did I let her leave me. I helped her leave me.

I was thinking of her when I thought of this:

I know that I say that I only see you

But the truth is...

That I see all the others the same way

At least I thought I did.

Experience to Write

I apologize in advance for any excess detail I might have inserted about our relationship and for the fact that it's not very interesting. If it's too graphic and/or shitty for you, I'm sorry I just want to write this as accurately as I can. So anyway, here's the scoop. This is how it went down...

About 3 and a half years ago I met her. Her dad was friends with my dad (somehow) and one day he came over with her. The first time I saw her I was getting applesauce out of the refrigerator.

my dad: Brian this is so and so's daughter

me: (looks over does a hand wave type thing) hey (walks away eating applesauce)

her: (returns the hand wave thing) hey

We go to Arby's to get some food. She declines all offers. I know she's hungry, so I insist she takes some of my fries.

An hour or so later I enter the living room and start doing some shit on the computer. She comes in the room shortly after that. My sister is already in the room watching some gay shit on the Disney Channel. I start making fun of the shows my sister is watching and everyone laughs. My stepmother enters the room.

Stepmother: You guys want to go to Movie Gallery or something?

sister: yeah I'll drive!

stepmother: Brian?

me: uhhh I guess.

She comes with us. We browse some films and I make some shitty jokes but they both laugh because we have similar senses of humor. I insist on some awful Hillary Duff movie. This was for two reasons: First, I had a mad crush on Hillary Duff, and Secondly, to make fun of my sister who watched some Disney channel shit with her in it.

We get home and try to watch it. We last 45 minutes. Me and her sit next to each other. I don't really feel all that attracted to her but I'm nervous. I'm always nervous but I suck it up. I had a feeling she liked me and that gave me enough courage to sit "close" to her. After we stop watching the movie she gets a call from her boyfriend. Afterwards, she bitches about her boyfriend. Nothing really happens after that and she and her father leave.

Next time I see her is sometime later. She broke up with her boyfriend. We've been hanging out for a while. She loves my music and I love that she loves it. We're in my room. We've been in there for a while. We're both on my bed. I'm nervous. Everything I did was entirely instinctual, everything I said was only spoken after special deliberation (which didn't mean it was any good). Time progresses nothing happens. More time passes we're both laying on my bed. I start to gather my guts. I kiss her.

I'll never forget this.

Her: Are you trying to make out with me?

me: (Who the fuck asks that?) uhhhhhh I guess I am? {I'm crazy smooth I know}

Her: (laughs)

We continue smooching. I take her home. She asks me to play Copeland. I smile and say, "Which one?"

"You know the one"

I smile and put it on "No one really wins".

The next time I see her is a bunch of vague jumbled memories of supermarkets and shit tacos my parents made. Her dad comes to pick her up. We're on my couch in the other room waiting for my dad and hers to stop talking. When they do we'll stop kissing and touching but until then we lust. We don't want them to know about it.

The next time I see her is months later. She lives in North Carolina and I live in Alabama. We talk occasionally on the phone. Maybe once every 2 weeks or so. She comes over. I take her to my best friends house. We play Super Smash Bros. on the GameCube. All of my best friends are there. She's too shy to do much of anything. I get her to play and totally go out of my way to dominate her. I can tell she's not having much fun no matter how much me or my friends try to make it more interesting. I make up some excuse and we leave. I make a pit stop at Burger King for a delicious double stack. I destroy that shit in front of my house in the car while we listen to some tasty tunes. We go to my room. We're listening to music. Her sister is supposed to be picking her up soon. We are all over each other. She gets a call from her sister. She's at a party and it will be sometime before she comes. We continue.

I'd like to say what happens next in detail but it might be too graphic. Basically, some of our clothes were taken off, we started doing stuff but before anything major happens I fall asleep. I just blacked out. I know I'm more lame than you probably have guessed. In my defense I was extremely tired for staying up the previous night. It was about 2 am when I fell asleep. When I woke up her sister arrived. I often feel like that blackout was caused by something greater than me.

We talk occasionally on the phone. After a while we stop talking. I say Happy Birthday on her birthday she says nothing back. My birthday passes and nothing happens. Her next Birthday comes up. She responds. We start talking again. Occasionally again but the conversations are better. I tell her I'll be going to Alabama soon to visit and that I'd like to see her (I moved to California a month before that first happy birthday). We make some arrangements. We both thought she wasn't going to be able to come. I was driving south from Virginia (I flew to Virginia to stay with my friend and we drove to Alabama from there). While driving through I wanted to stop by and see her. It was early as fuck in the morning and she didn't answer. We talk two more times on the phone and she's not coming. Four days before I leave she calls me and asks what I'm doing tomorrow. I tell her "Nothing anymore." She comes early in the morning. I'm still laying in bed. She lays down with me for a little while then I take a shower. We spend all day in bed. No sex. Just talking, touching and smooching. It's 5 pm now and I take her to Red Lobster (I promised her Red Lobster if she came to see me). We hold hands nearly the whole trip. We eat a fuck ton of sea food. We go home. We hold hands. I tell her to pick out some tunes. She puts in Minus the Bear then Copeland. When we get home I tell her I think I love her (refer to prior post on specifics). We're on the bed again. Things escalate but it's that time of the month for her. We try some different methods of doing things. It ends poorly. We take a shower together and watch "A Night at the Roxbury" (my favorite movie). She gets mad because I quote everything. I shut up. She falls asleep with her head on my chest. I smile and close my eyes. We both wake up and she has to go. I walk her to her car, we hug for a long time and she drives off. The next day she calls me, when we talk about that "love thing":

Me: I really think I do

Her: I know I do

Me: You do what?

Her: Love you.

Me: How? When?

Her: For a while. I broke up with my boyfriend the day I met you. I didn't know what was going to happen with us. But you were so much better and I didn't want him anymore. And when you held my hand when we were going to Red Lobster that pretty much sealed it.

Me: (laughs) hand holding sealed it?

Her: You held my hand the whole way... I don't know I thought it was really sweet and that's pretty much when I knew for sure.

We start talking regularly. Almost everyday. Roughly 5 days a week or so. Four months later I see her again. She flies to California, I pick her up from the airport and take her home. The first night we go to my grandparents house and she meets my grandmother and my uncle Carlos. I eat a bunch of my grandma's cooking while she watches me eat. I insist she tries some but she declines. Later that night we go to my room and stay there. The rest of the time she's there each day has one main adventure then a substantial portion of "bed" time.

Day1: arrival

Day2: Go on tour of the town and drive aimlessly

Day 3: Cook an awesome feast for dinner and we take pictures for my photography class. That is followed by some viral videos rather unorthodox in nature. She actually watches them and inquires and is genuinely interested. Maybe I do love her

Day 4: Driving aimlessly, decide to go bowling, she has no socks, an adventure to find a sock store ensues

Day 5: She helps me study and I get annoyed about something. She gets close enough but keeps distance. That night we made up without talking or touching.

Day 6: Bowling then epic arcade battles. (she is terrible at shooting games)

Day 7: We drive down south and hang out with my cousin and his friends on the beach.

Day 8: we stay in my room and watch movies and talk

Day 9: I take her to the airport. We hold hands most of the way. She cries and I pretend not to notice. When we get to the Airport I'm perfectly fine. I'm worried about the fact that me not crying might hurt her feelings somehow. When we get inside and wait I start to cry. Nothing I can do can stop it. I try everything. She tries everything. She cleans my face and holds my hand. When I leave I can't stop crying. After 50 miles of driving I was able to keep the tears back. I thought to myself "Why am I being such a bitch? Maybe I really do love her."

She goes to basic training. The first time I get a letter from her is on the 13th of January 2010. That day I couldn't stop smiling. We write each other fairly regularly. I write her a letter telling her what happened between me and that girl (I was in a very heated debate with myself as to postpone the news so I could tell her in person or tell her right after it happened). I wrote her the next day. When she called me a couple of weeks later I was super excited. Then she expressed her disappointment in me. I made no excuses. I told her the truth and we both reprimanded me until she had to go. She wasn't really mad though. Let me explain, she was upset but she knew it meant nothing to me. And we both understand how I feel about morality and doing things that I feel are right or wrong or beneficial. This was something beneficial to someone at no cost to me (at least I thought there was no cost but I miscalculated).

I was never sure if it was authentic "love" or just my unbearable loneliness that evoked my feelings for her. And still to this day I reserve the right to have doubt. Over these past years we've spent very little time in close proximity to each other. I don't know what to think of that.

I think she arrived in San Diego today. It's roughly 6 hours from where I live. The next time we talk we are going to figure out who's visiting who and when.

P.S. Don't think that the fact that I remembered such great detail of our past means anything particularly special, even though it could or probably does. I just fucking remember everything.

Resistance is but vain.

I think I love this girl. I'm using the word love. For the first time on anyone with whom I meant in the context of "in love." I'm fucking stupid.

In any case, I'm shitty. While "knowing" this about her, I ended up smooching on some other girl. In all honesty I had every intention of hooking up with the other girl, even after telling my "lover" I wouldn't get with any girls while she was gone(she's in basic training for the Navy). The truth is I felt obliged to get in whatever extra kind of "hooking up" I could before me and her were stuck together. And when the time came I only kissed that girl because she reminded me of myself. How fucked up does that sound? What I mean is; she had her heart set on our rendezvous for a long time and I just didn't want to leave her disappointed like I have been so many times. She's a very beautiful girl but I had no interest in her in any genuine kind of lust. I suppose I tried to do everything I could from keeping her disappointed and as a result I hurt my "love." To make matters worse the lady with whom I shared my "infidelity" is "in love" with me now. So now I get to hurt everyone when I tell her I have no feelings for her.

What I mean by stuck together. I can't imagine me being able to part with this girl right now. She loves me. She actually fucking loves me. When I see her I know. I don't know how anyone could possibly like me that much but she does. And no matter what I've done to keep her away. She doesn't care. She doesn't fucking care about anything. I fucking love that. My last step mother after knowing me for several weeks(without any in depth conversation or revelations) told me she loved me. From that moment on I knew she was a liar and I could never hope to accomplish any greater affinity towards her. The first time I told my "love" I loved her; I said it like this:

Me: I think I love you

Her: What?

Me: Yeah I can't believe I'm saying this

Her: It's ok

Me: ?

Her: I thought you might

Me: Oh yeah?

Her: yeah

Me: Well what do you think then?

Her: I don't know

Me: (laughs) ok

She wouldn't tell me she loved me back. That's probably the single biggest reason why I think these feelings are authentic. Because she is. Since then she has admitted her feelings innumerable times but I already knew. I knew when I told her. But she wouldn't say it back. And I think that's great.

I started my new semester. My English class is shit. I wish I would have taken the same teacher I had last semester. At least he knew something about anything. This new lady teacher forces me to doodle for hours. Although, I met this dude named Ace in that class, and he happens to be a fellow guitar player. We get along fairly well and our working on recording a song we've been working on. I'll talk about this more another time.

My Music class is what I expected. A bunch of chumps looking for easy units and an overly considerate teacher making things way too easy.

Political Science class is probably the most elongated sequence of time during my week but I think I actually like it. The professor encourages discussion and there are several retarded enough fucking kids to make the discussions worth while. They have no idea what they're talking about. The have no idea about anything. But they believe with everything they have that they do. Some examples of some of my favorite dialogues.

(discussing plato/socrates while talking about the early Greek Democracy)

Teacher: Can you define beauty?

Girl: Beauty can be anything to anyone

Teacher: what is beauty to you?

Girl: like a flower

Teacher: what about the flower makes it beautiful?

Girl: The colors I guess...

Teacher: So colors are beautiful?

Girl: Well not all colors

Teacher: Then what is Beauty?

Girl: If you're talking about what I look for in a guy... (blah blah blah)

LOL

Teacher: ...... So what are the two parts of the Legislative branch that accomplish _______?

Guy: Congress does all of that.

Teacher: There are two parts of Congress

Guy: Yeah Congress does it.

Teacher: So what are the two parts of congress?

Guy: (mumbles some shit) Congress does ________.

Teacher: Yes but there are two parts of it

Guy: The judicial..

Teacher: No.

Guy: well then the executive...

LOL

This last one was my personal favorite

Girl: ...They were talking about teaching gay marriage to kids in school. I don't have a problem with gay marriage I believe you can do what you want. But I don't think you should be teaching things pertaining to morality in schools. (Mentions shit about religion)

Teacher: Well what do you think about the teaching of evolution?

Girl: I think that they shouldn't because it's just a theory. Just like Creationism and that they should teach both.

Teacher: You know why they call scientific theories "theories"?

Girl: Because they think it's true.

Teacher: No. Because the overwhelming majority of scientists have accepted the facts and use them in everyday research.

Girl: Still though I just don't think morality should be taught to children by their teachers. It should be done at home with their families.

She was incredibly assertive in her position even though she was obviously fucking retarded. I give the teacher mad kudos for having the balls to stand up for science and evolution. Anyway here is my interpretation/statement on this.

Firstly, what happens to children who have broken down homes? Poor excuses for parents? Are they just supposed to be acquire morality through some kind of divine osmosis? No no there is no place for morality but religion can be there.... womp womp womp.

Secondly, she's indirectly stated her true colors. What I call the "fair-weather" moralists. Of course she has no problem with gay marriage but she doesn't want the kids to know about it. Why would someone have such an irrational fear of something they claim to care nothing about? Because they do. They say they don't care. But they don't look at homosexuals the same. When Socrates was sentenced to death he stayed several days in prison. Because there was a very important and sacred festival going on at the time. They wanted to commit no execution at such a hollowed time. But what does that say? If you feel morally obliged to abstain from a particular practice at a sacred time what does that say about that practice? And in this case if you feel like "homosexuality" shouldn't be taught to kids doesn't that mean that somewhere you feel as if something is innately wrong about it?

Fucking grow some balls and tell yourself and everyone else the truth.

Lastly my sister is here.

Sister: Hey bro, you want to check out my macbook?

Me: sure

Jason (sister's husband): Ewwww Mac

Me: Oh shun the non-believer

Sister: Macs are better plus everyone has them.

That last statement was the single biggest endorsement for PC I've ever heard. My sister doesn't have a single authentic thought in her body. Everything she is and has been is the by-product of her ineptitude to acknowledge and/or accept her own cognition. I have a hard time respecting anyone anymore.

In Progress

I haven't posted in forever. I have written several drafts of many different ideas and such but I could never bring myself to post them. I feel I need to write the events that transpired this past week down somewhere and if I don't I'm going to explode. However, at this particular juncture I cannot bring myself to write about it. I'm very disappointed in myself.

I'll be finishing this soon.