In any case, I'm shitty. While "knowing" this about her, I ended up smooching on some other girl. In all honesty I had every intention of hooking up with the other girl, even after telling my "lover" I wouldn't get with any girls while she was gone(she's in basic training for the Navy). The truth is I felt obliged to get in whatever extra kind of "hooking up" I could before me and her were stuck together. And when the time came I only kissed that girl because she reminded me of myself. How fucked up does that sound? What I mean is; she had her heart set on our rendezvous for a long time and I just didn't want to leave her disappointed like I have been so many times. She's a very beautiful girl but I had no interest in her in any genuine kind of lust. I suppose I tried to do everything I could from keeping her disappointed and as a result I hurt my "love." To make matters worse the lady with whom I shared my "infidelity" is "in love" with me now. So now I get to hurt everyone when I tell her I have no feelings for her.
What I mean by stuck together. I can't imagine me being able to part with this girl right now. She loves me. She actually fucking loves me. When I see her I know. I don't know how anyone could possibly like me that much but she does. And no matter what I've done to keep her away. She doesn't care. She doesn't fucking care about anything. I fucking love that. My last step mother after knowing me for several weeks(without any in depth conversation or revelations) told me she loved me. From that moment on I knew she was a liar and I could never hope to accomplish any greater affinity towards her. The first time I told my "love" I loved her; I said it like this:
Me: I think I love you
Her: What?
Me: Yeah I can't believe I'm saying this
Her: It's ok
Me: ?
Her: I thought you might
Me: Oh yeah?
Her: yeah
Me: Well what do you think then?
Her: I don't know
Me: (laughs) ok
She wouldn't tell me she loved me back. That's probably the single biggest reason why I think these feelings are authentic. Because she is. Since then she has admitted her feelings innumerable times but I already knew. I knew when I told her. But she wouldn't say it back. And I think that's great.
I started my new semester. My English class is shit. I wish I would have taken the same teacher I had last semester. At least he knew something about anything. This new lady teacher forces me to doodle for hours. Although, I met this dude named Ace in that class, and he happens to be a fellow guitar player. We get along fairly well and our working on recording a song we've been working on. I'll talk about this more another time.
My Music class is what I expected. A bunch of chumps looking for easy units and an overly considerate teacher making things way too easy.
Political Science class is probably the most elongated sequence of time during my week but I think I actually like it. The professor encourages discussion and there are several retarded enough fucking kids to make the discussions worth while. They have no idea what they're talking about. The have no idea about anything. But they believe with everything they have that they do. Some examples of some of my favorite dialogues.
(discussing plato/socrates while talking about the early Greek Democracy)
Teacher: Can you define beauty?
Girl: Beauty can be anything to anyone
Teacher: what is beauty to you?
Girl: like a flower
Teacher: what about the flower makes it beautiful?
Girl: The colors I guess...
Teacher: So colors are beautiful?
Girl: Well not all colors
Teacher: Then what is Beauty?
Girl: If you're talking about what I look for in a guy... (blah blah blah)
LOL
Teacher: ...... So what are the two parts of the Legislative branch that accomplish _______?
Guy: Congress does all of that.
Teacher: There are two parts of Congress
Guy: Yeah Congress does it.
Teacher: So what are the two parts of congress?
Guy: (mumbles some shit) Congress does ________.
Teacher: Yes but there are two parts of it
Guy: The judicial..
Teacher: No.
Guy: well then the executive...
LOL
This last one was my personal favorite
Girl: ...They were talking about teaching gay marriage to kids in school. I don't have a problem with gay marriage I believe you can do what you want. But I don't think you should be teaching things pertaining to morality in schools. (Mentions shit about religion)
Teacher: Well what do you think about the teaching of evolution?
Girl: I think that they shouldn't because it's just a theory. Just like Creationism and that they should teach both.
Teacher: You know why they call scientific theories "theories"?
Girl: Because they think it's true.
Teacher: No. Because the overwhelming majority of scientists have accepted the facts and use them in everyday research.
Girl: Still though I just don't think morality should be taught to children by their teachers. It should be done at home with their families.
She was incredibly assertive in her position even though she was obviously fucking retarded. I give the teacher mad kudos for having the balls to stand up for science and evolution. Anyway here is my interpretation/statement on this.
Firstly, what happens to children who have broken down homes? Poor excuses for parents? Are they just supposed to be acquire morality through some kind of divine osmosis? No no there is no place for morality but religion can be there.... womp womp womp.
Secondly, she's indirectly stated her true colors. What I call the "fair-weather" moralists. Of course she has no problem with gay marriage but she doesn't want the kids to know about it. Why would someone have such an irrational fear of something they claim to care nothing about? Because they do. They say they don't care. But they don't look at homosexuals the same. When Socrates was sentenced to death he stayed several days in prison. Because there was a very important and sacred festival going on at the time. They wanted to commit no execution at such a hollowed time. But what does that say? If you feel morally obliged to abstain from a particular practice at a sacred time what does that say about that practice? And in this case if you feel like "homosexuality" shouldn't be taught to kids doesn't that mean that somewhere you feel as if something is innately wrong about it?
Fucking grow some balls and tell yourself and everyone else the truth.
Lastly my sister is here.
Sister: Hey bro, you want to check out my macbook?
Me: sure
Jason (sister's husband): Ewwww Mac
Me: Oh shun the non-believer
Sister: Macs are better plus everyone has them.
That last statement was the single biggest endorsement for PC I've ever heard. My sister doesn't have a single authentic thought in her body. Everything she is and has been is the by-product of her ineptitude to acknowledge and/or accept her own cognition. I have a hard time respecting anyone anymore.
3 comments:
I miss these blogs.
First of all, reading this made me feel genuinely happy for you, probably more so than I should be for someone I've never met. This girl sounds perfect for you. It's strange reading you writing about love in a way that's not... negative. But strange in a good way. I'm so happy that, for the most part, you're happy as well.
Second of all, that was a major douche-bag move you made. While I commend you for only kissing her and your reasons were somewhat coherent, I believe that you're WAY too intelligent to be getting into that particular type of predicament. I though you had your shit together, mentally, in that department. It changed the way I think about you. I guess it made me realize that I don’t actually know you, even if I felt like I did. It put this "internet" thing into perspective in that I only know you purely through text. There's really no reason why you should care what I think, and it’s your life to do what you wish with; not mine. Mistakes happen. It's just... I don’t know what it is. I was just surprised to hear that behavior came from you. That's all.
Also, when that song's finished and you get super famous, I'm coming to one of your shows and you better give me a fucking autograph, k? lol or at least a free t-shirt, high-five, or something.
Awww for the first part. That was really nice.
For the second part, your comments were deserved. I am supposed to be above that kind of behavior. I've never done anything like that and I never will again. My only defense is that it meant nothing. It's weird, think for a moment of the relationship between Dominique Francon and Howard Roark. Dominique for like 90% of the time was with some other dude but it didn't mean anything. I felt that in our relationship me doing this wouldn't mean anything to either of us. Turns out she got hurt and so I hurt.
You can think of me anyway you'd like. You actually know me better than most of my friends. So if you think less of me it's because I deserve it.
Also, my handwriting is shit and I'm broke. So that pretty much leaves a high-five, or something.
Well for a start, you just earned about a million points for comparing your life to The Fountainhead in your explanation. I can see what you mean, but Dominique both hated and loved Roark at the same time. Or rather, she was forced to hate him because she loved him.
I find myself typecasting certain people I know, and myself, into characters from that book; their profiles and behaviors are kind of universal. There's been a few times were I've wanted to walk up to a total know-it-all asshole and say "you're nothing but a Peter Keating" and expect him to be insulted. I don’t think it works that way though.
I don’t think less of you... just differently. It makes you seem human but not in an entirely good way. Meaning, you gave into a temptation of sorts that I had previously thought you to be above, however, it didn’t really belittle you in my eyes. It made you human. If that makes any sense at all.
Haha, ok. I high five it is.
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