We are over. Tasha and I are no longer together. I thought I would be as crushed as I was the last time it happened. But I took it like a champ. I guess I've been preparing myself for this for a while now. I think it's funny how she thinks I'm so gullible after all of this time. I knew she wasn't going to be visiting me next month like she said she would. I knew she didn't believe in me. And I knew she had a thing for some other dude down there. Yet, she tried to convince me of the contrary. I could have made her admit that she was lying but I understood why. She didn't want to hurt my feelings and she wanted to save face. That believing part was the thing that stood out.
Me: I just want to ask; do you believe in me?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Do you believe that I'll succeed in my music?
Her: I don't know I can't see the future.
Me: I know that but do you think I will.
Her: I don't know
Me: I'm going to.
Her: Then you will.
Me: Do you believe that?
Her: I don't know what you're asking.
Me: Don't worry about it. You just made this much easier on me.
Her ineptitude on grasping certain things continues to blow my mind. Also, the fact that she tried to avoid directly answering my questions, including the example above, was something else. She told me she felt like she was changing. I told her she had. Yet when I explained to her some of the changes she tried to establish the fact that her just joining the Navy had nothing to do with it. Come on. Seriously. She isn't the same girl who came to visit me in Alabama, or the girl that came to California. That girl had humour and would say whatever the fuck she wanted. This new girl can't speak her mind and refuses to laugh. I'm in love with who she was and that distorted my judgement on who she was becoming. I tried to keep her from changing. The lure of assimilation > than whatever influence I tried to impose. I willed her to stay a certain way to better herself in her own unique way. She was too busy to respect herself.
I did suffer some damage as a result of this "breakup". Minus the Bear and Copeland, (two bands that I love) will never be the same for me. However, I did gain some shit as a result. I know longer have any obligations toward her or any other girl. Mostly that just means I don't have to fucking talk on the phone everyday (I hate talking on the phone). I know that this girl who once meant so much to me never believed in me. I will never let myself be fooled like that again. And now I have even more incentive to pursue my passion of music.
She once told me I was her best friend and that I knew her better than anyone else. That was only about two months ago. Funny how quickly things can change. I was her "soulmate" but after a couple of months of being away, I lost my luster.
I 'm reading this over and I sound really bitter. I actually thought I would be. It's more of a relief than anything to be honest. She was really dominating a lot of my cognition and so it will be nice to have my brain belonging to me again. There is still a part of me that cares about her but that part of her that I love is dying if it isn't already dead.
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