Ode we will bury ourselves

So yesterday was Christmas and my Mother's birthday.  I've always hated christmas.  WTF is with people paying money to put useless shit on their houses and under their trees?  Another thing WTF is with trees?  Honestly I find "holiday cheer" obnoxious.  How are you going to be a total douche nozzle everyday and then around Christmas decide to be kind?  Actually I've realized it's more of an obligation to purchase shit for people rather than it being out of genuine generosity.  So scratch that kind statement.  It's been ingrained into our minds to think and behave like this.  Makes me wonder how much shit is still being thought and played out for me.  How many choices are really mine?  Anyway I was the only one to go visit my Mother.  I know the weather was shitty but it was her birthday.  I almost wept.  I miss her.  And it seems like everyone else has moved on.  I won't.  I swear it.

That night my uncle was drunk.  SURPRISE!  He decided it would be a good idea to barge into my room and sit uncomfortably close to me.  So after about 5 minutes or so of extreme awkwardness he finally spoke.  

Uncle:  Did you talk to your brother and sister today?

Me:  Yes.

Uncle:  Did you call them or they call you?

Me:  They called me.

Uncle:  You are shit.  Seriously, you are shit.  Why couldn't you call them?

Me:  I was busy being shit.

And this eventually branched into a one sided discussion of why I'm fucked up and whatnot.  It's hard listening to "advice" from your 40 year old uncle who still lives with his parents and gets drunk every single night because he is lonely.  He reminded me that he is paying for my college.  But I didn't remind him that he only payed for 2 books.  I didn't remind him of his original offer.  Or that we should be living somewhere else entirely.  

I wanted to be angry at him but I couldn't.  I wanted to remind him that he didn't visit his sister on her birthday but I didn't.  I wanted to say everything.  FUCKNUTS.  I choose to save my breathe.  My heart and lungs work hard enough as it is.    

3 Days until I fly out to Alabama for some time.  I'm so fucking excited.  AGHHGHGHGHGHGGHGH

  

baboon.

So there's this girl who I used to date a long time ago.  She screwed me over then broke up with me.  I have a hard time holding grudges or caring about shit so whenever her future male relations fell apart I let her crawl back.  Countless times.  It's so strange.  I didn't even like her at first.  I was forced to go out with her by a mutual friend who was seriously going to inflict major bodily harm to me unless I asked her out.  I can't even remember at what point I really started liking her.  There was never a "Eureka!".  Anyway, she called me up the other day and it begins again.  She wants to pick me up from the airport when I fly back in and "hang-out".  I was pumped to hear from her again but I didn't really feel anything?  I wonder if I'm just truly incapable of emotion or if I just haven't found "the one".  

Yesterday my uncle bought a shit ton of Taco Bell.  His kids had the most ridiculously portioned meals.  I couldn't even eat that much.  They started talking about how much food it was and everyone laughed along.  HAHAHAHA look how much we can consume.  Isn't it hilarious?!  Perhaps even more repulsive was my uncle telling his children to finish everything.  Are you fucking kidding?  Glutton really fucking bothers me.  I'M SO FULL.  LOOK AT ALL THIS FOOD I ATE.  IS THERE DESSERT?!  It's sickening.  There was a thing on TV that I heard the other day.  It said "If you can finish the sandwich we didn't do something right".  So it's not enough to eat to sustain yourself, you have to eat until you've gorged yourself straight into a coma.  Got it.

I should be writing a 5 page paper on the San Andreas Fault which is due tomorrow.  And studying for at least one of the 3 finals I have on Thursday.  But I'm not.  Fuck.

Great Googly Moogly Cont.

This blog is a bit excessive in length so I've decided to split it up.

I've noticed that this past week I've had a rather excessive amount of road rage.  I never get angry.  I generally see hostility as a waste of energy.  If it's just pent up aggression why would it come out now in this fashion?  But I suppose it makes some sense in this situation because the aggression is automatic and it isn't until I realize I'm being a doucher that I can stop myself.

I've had some ideas about things and been thinking about some other things more so than usual. 

If at any point in your life, you truly believe you are making the right choice.  you are.

If at any point in your life, you truly believe you are good.  you are.

And if at any point in your life, you did what you felt was right.  it was.

Fuck regret.

It's been a while since the onset of time.  Every single one of your ancestors survived.  Everyone successfully looked after and passed on to your life.  What are the chances of that like?

These walls were really never there.

You are never nothing if you didn't disappear.

I came with nothing.  And I will leave with nothing.  Everything else is just borrowed.

This has reminded me of a tattoo I've been wanting to get for a while 

something like that.

In an unrelated story I wonder why people avoid drinking water.  

There was a lot more shit I wanted to say or mention and whatnot but I've forgotten.

Great Googly Moogly

So I went to a show yesterday and it was pretty fucking bodacious.  I asked my cousin if he wanted to come and he declined the offer and apologized for not being able to come.  I really thought about the reason for an apology.  If anything I should apologize to him for choosing fucking basketball practice over seeing a glorious show.  Anyway, I was tripping balls when I arrived to San Luis Obispo(town of the show's location), I couldn't find my way around.  The directions were way fucking off.  I ended up driving past this same drunken frat party like 5 times.  I finally found the place with 10 minutes to spare only to find out the show was postponed an hour for no reason.  I managed to waste enough time so that when I returned to the show spot I was at the ass of a terribly long line.   

While there I came into contact with these 3 dudes.  I was pretty certain, one of the dudes, Tyler, was a total doucher for the simple fact that he wore a The Fall Of Troy shirt to a "The Fall of Troy" show.  The other 2 names escape me but one had a shitty beard and nappy ass hair and only spoke to insult his friends.  The other the "ginger" was kind of the odd man out.  He kept trying to be as witty as his cohorts but everything he said made him sound like a total fuckturd.  Tyler asked me if I was here to see Number 12 or Fall of Troy.  When I responded with God Is An Astronaut he and his bro friends were totally stunned.  I was even more stunned when I realized that no one fucking else came to see GIAA.  Although that seems awful, Tyler turned out to be a pretty ok dude.

First band: Warship - The lead singer sounds like the dude from FATA.

Second Band: The Number 12 Looks Like You - I was very impressed with the cleanness and technicality of the guitar work.  In between some songs some shit out of a movie happened.  He asked the crowd if any dude has yet to kiss a girl.  They pointed out every dude including myself until finally they just chose this fellow in the front who they didn't believe had kissed a girl.  They pulled up some random girl.  Said on the count of 3 you have to kiss.  Well when the band turned away from the girl she left the stage. LOL.  "HAHA dude you just got bailed on."  Well they pulled another lady from the crowd.  On the count of 3 you have to kiss.  On 3 they began to kiss and that proceeded into a straight make-out sesh while the band played a metal ass song about conquering vag.

Third Band: God Is An Astronaut - I made my way to the front for this one.  In case you didn't know GIAA is a trio of old Irish dudes with excessively pale skin and poor posture.  I heard these scene kids ask each other "Is there even any screaming in it?".  HAHAHAHAHA.  I was the only person getting into it that I could notice.  I could feel all the eyes on me as I was enjoying myself.  All the while the poor bodies to whom those eyes had grown attached to stood oblivious to the genius before them.  GIAA was so fucking spot on everything played to the most miniscule fucking tee.  It was absolutely glorious.  During their third song these fucking piece of shit mother fucking fucks decided it would be cool to hardcore dance.  Fucking really?  If GIAA hadn't kept me so calm I seriously would have danced with those fucks.  And by dance I mean hit the shit out of them until they stop being faggots.  

Fourth Band:  The Fall Of Troy - I was excited to see how Tom played guitar live.  He is pretty much an OK guitarist as far as professionals go.  The crowd was way more into it than they should have been.  It was fucking sloppy as shit but yet they all still go crazy.  Some of these people, like the scenester girl standing in front of me, have probably never heard more than a couple of songs by them.  Totally unaware of any rythm or tempo changes yet claimed to love all their music from the very first album.  You know the type.  Well during the show I got to tap the guitar for Tom which was pretty sick.  I also elbowed the fuck out of this fuckhead beside me who thought it was ok/cool to have his arm/elbow in my fucking face at all times. It was in retaliation that I continuously elbowed him and then lifted my arm to his and totally raped him at arm war.  I also lost my jacket.

Post Show:  After the show I talked with the guitarist from GIAA.  He is a cool fucking dude.  I talked to him for like 20 minutes about the show.  He was telling me how it was hard for them to get gigs in the states and it sucks playing at a lot of shows because no one knows their music here.  He also mentioned that he noticed how I was the only one he could see really into the music.  So we bullshitted a while about their song selection and their future shows and whatnot.  Was pretty much the shit.  

When I was driving home I noticed that I was driving.  Yeah.  Any person at any point during a drive knows they are driving but aren't necessarily aware.  I suppose it's just some metacognition of sorts at work.  It only happens at night.  I notice that I'm in a car and that I'm driving that car.  I notice there is so much more space around me than my seat, then I realize... this vessel is totally subservient to my will.  

And as I drive I count the lines and the lights.  Nothing numerical.  I only try to honor their existence.  And this makes me suspended in the memory of the present.  And I am complete.  It's at this point that I realize that I am content with being alone.  For at least that moment.  As I look to my right I am surprised to see no one there.  I am very much alone.  It's only an illusion.  My mind really does have good intentions.  What is so wrong with living in fantasy?    I wish I was wiser.  I want to know why I contradict myself.  I need to know why I sometimes have the audacity to feel whole when there is a rather blatant, gaping deficiency in my existence.  

When I arrived home my ears were ringing like they always do after a show.  This must be how the blind hear.  Nothing was out of range.  My brain had no say.  Resonance had found it's place in the orifices behind what was discernible of my face.  My ears dissected everything and screamed of atrocities but allowed me the privilege to perceive the most delicate nuances of sound.  For that single luxury I would surrender everything.

Continued...

I'm getting

worse and worse at writing these things.  

Okay so I just got a voicemail from my an old friend and that shit just gave me the goofiest fucking grin.  That really just made my day.  More like my week.

I've also been thinking about lyrics in songs.  More so than usual.

"If I cut your skin off, you'd look just like me."

"We should be back to back.  

But then it would be harder to stab you in the back.  

We should be back to back.  

But then it would be harder to slash your throat.  

We should be back to back."

"Well you know I hardly speak.

And when I do it's just for you.

I haven't said a word in weeks.

Because they've been keeping me from you.

There's a way where there's a will

You know I got no need for stairs

Step out on the window seal

And fall with me into the air"

Those are some of the lyrics that have been stuck in my head these past couple of days.

Oh yesterday was pretty gay.  I decided to do my uncle a favor.  That was a bad idea.  I went fucking shopping for his daughter.  I had to buy her a PINK Nintendo DS.  Has to be fucking pink.  Well I drive the hour drive it takes to actually participate in any kind of shopping experience.  Only to find that nobody has fucking PINK ones.  So I drive around wasting all my fucking gas on his daughters fucking PINK toy.  Not only that but yesterday there was so many fucking people everywhere.  All these people coming out to spend their money on the most insignificant material shit.  Then again what was I doing but perpetuating this behavior?  I hate feeling like I'm contributing to the shithole that is society.  Thankfully I had enough metal in my music arsenal to keep me sane.  Which reminds me, when the fuck did kids get to be so picky?  I remember for me it was nothing like this.  I got a bike one year... but it was a girl's bike.  Turns out my dad thought it was my sister's birthday.  I still rode that shit until they took it away from me 2 weeks later and told me I looked like a faggot riding around on it.  At what point, between then and now, did kids not only get to choose what they wanted and actually got it, but to specify such bullshit like color.  I realize I used the word fucking quite a bit.  If I had an ability to articulate what I was saying with a broader vocabulary without sounding like a total asshole I totally would.

Whatev I got some more metal in my itunes now.  A lot more.  I've missed it.

 

Bring the mother fucking ruckus.

Thanks

giving is fucking retarded.  The same for christmas and valentine's day.  Basically all the holidays that say you have to go out and buy shit are fucking retarded.  Why one day of the year?  Why not everyday you show your mother you love her?  

2.  My uncle's friend told me Radioshack was hiring.  I went in there and they were basically like "NO".  Cool man.  I should have known.  He was drunk as hell so I should have understood from his slurred speech and rotten ass breath that he was full of shit. 

3.  Me and Vianca seem to be going out of our way to avoid each other.  I was going to go to this meeting thing to keep some band shit for the elementary school.  Well she wanted to go at the last minute.  I didn't very much care to see her so I ended up not going.  So I suppose in retaliation she missed our next class.  Man it's weird how quickly my feelings towards people change.  I had a crush on her at first.  She was supposedly done with a lot of retarded ass shit which I thought was awesome.  However, I soon found out that she had the sense of humor of someone who had been comatose for the past 6 years.  And also the fact that she is shit didn't help her cause too much either.  

4.  I'm going to see God Is An Astronaut on December 6th in San Francisco.  I'm currently looking for more shows in that time period to go to.  My step mom has decided that she is going to send me money.  So instead of buying shit for school I'm going to buy shit that's worthwhile, tickets to shows and gas to get there.  

5.  This girl who I used to have sex with quite frequently back in Alabama got word that I was coming back to visit.  Basically she said something along the lines of, "When you get back we are going to fuck nonstop."  Actually that was pretty much verbatim.  I told her no and she acted like she didn't hear it.  No matter how many times I said it.  So I pretty much gave up on that.  I really don't want to do it with her ever again.  However, she is some kind of master of seduction.  Have to wait and see how it goes I suppose.  

That's about all the news for now that I can think of.  

So

there are a lot of ideas in my head right now.  A lot of things have happened in the past couple of days.  Instead of trying to put them in a coherent story I'm just going to make a list.  

Last night was the best night I have had in a quite some time.  Hung out with my cousins and laughed harder than I can recall in recent memory.  I'm not even sure what it is that starts these giggle sessions.  It seems like every time we hang out there is always some point where we all start laughing uncontrollably.  We were playing fucking Poke'mon Stadium and Super Smash on the N64 and Julian was attempting to draw some of the action.  His version of DK getting blasted by Samus is the stuff of legends.  Also, I'm very impressed in my boy Bino's improvement in musical taste.  When I came out here he was listening to radio rock.  Last night, however, we were listening to BTBAM, Norma Jean, Unearth, August Burns Red, and so many more tasty morsels.  My next step is to get him into post rock.  Then it is off to Indie and eventually DnB.  I listen to everything that is good.  It just takes some time and effort to understand that there is a whole lot of shit in different genres that is awesome.  I don't want him or anyone really to miss out.

Next.  A long time ago when I was in 10th grade I had a mad crush on this incredibly attractive young lady.  Well to avoid a long gay ass story... nothing really happened there.  Anyway, I guess I struck her as some kind of super sweetheart or some shit.  So, now, she calls me and IMs me from time to time only to remind me that we were never together.  Which now I could give a shit because frankly she looks like a clown and is kind of a tramp.  TBH.  Basically she always says something about having sex with her ex, about how her life sucks, and how she wishes I was there.  It's so funny when she talks to me.  I think she still believes I like her or something.  She will say something like "FINE, I'm going to go then." after one of my "sassy" remarks.  I only ever reply with "ok." or something to that effect.  Then she gets super angry.  Really?  What's up with me and crazy bitches anyway?  You may wonder why I still talk to her.  Truth is I never burn bridges unless I feel like that person is a legitimately bad person.  I may not really ever talk to them or even like them but if they ever needed me I would be there.  In other words, I'm gay.

Let's see what else.  Oh I'm going to go back to Alabama sometime after Christmas for a while.   I talked to some peeps over there and a handful of comrades still exist.  So basically for some period of time it will be me with Matt, Sanders, and Sean.  I know you don't know who they are but those are my best friends so far.  I'm mostly excited for Matt.  Yeah that's pretty gay sounding.  But god dammit I never have more fun than when we hang out.  OH OH and Monique and Rachel are going to be there.  More people you guys don't know or care about.  Shit dude I had more friends than I realized.  This trip is rather totally going to make me regret my move or it's finally going to cure my homesickness. 

There is probably some more mundane shit going on that I've forgotten.  If I remember I'll be sure to keep you guys posted.  

Snooped.

I noticed in my dashboard next to my blogs it has a thing saying "Team Members".  I want a blog team with members... Who's down to make the most righteous fucking team ever?!

I am uncertain why I am so excited about this.

Combustion.

I have no idea where to begin.  Ok.  Yesterday I went on a small road trip of sorts.  I drove to a town called Salinas, which is about a 1 hour drive.  The importance of this trip is based solely on my state of mind prior to it.  Before, I was getting more and more bummed about moving all the way out to California.  Well on this little trip it was like I noticed all kinds of things for the first time.  The landscape in particular.  I knew it was nice before but on this trip it was different.  It was perfect.  Made me almost not regret moving out here.  That notion in itself was quite profound to me.  A picturesque landscape was worth leaving nearly all of my friends.  I finally decided that instead of thinking of it that way, I am just going to have to move all my friends out to California with me.  If it wasn't so challenging meeting someone who wasn't completely fucking shitty around here I think that could drastically improve my outlook on this situation.  

However, when I got to Salinas I met some random dude at Best Buy who was not shitty.  We had an in-depth conversation about bands, shows, and all things musical.  Anyway, I bought some CDs at Best Buy.  Among them was the new Copeland album.  It is one of the most incredible albums I've ever heard.  If you aren't a fan of Copeland... you will be after you buy that album.  While listening on my voyage home I realized something.  Nearly all bands make songs but so few make real music.  This may not make sense but I've discovered that there is a line between music and songs.  I am not really sure how to describe it as I'm unaware of its entire meaning.  I haven't been this struck by an album since "The Earth is not a Cold Dark Place" by Explosions in the Sky.  There was a line in one of their songs "Everyone knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up".  I couldn't help but get stuck on that line.  Dissect every possible interpretation.  Oh man, you have no idea how excited I get when I hear a brilliant line.  Not necessarily that line in particular but any really awesome line.  Especially if it's void of any real definite meaning.  An ambiguous phrase that plays with my mind is my kind of euphoria.  I fucking love thinking, in particular, thinking about abstract shit.  

When I almost got home I accidentally turned on the radio.  It still was on that shitty rap station Vianca put it on since I never listen to the radio.  Well mother fucking Juvenile "Back That Ass Up" came on.  I love that new Copeland album but I couldn't resist.  God rap is so terrible sometimes it's awesome.  Listening to it put me back in like the 7th grade around "Field Day" time.  Then I realized that for whatever reason I have a lot of good memories associated with shitty rap music.  Your guess is as good as mine.  

In more current events I was listening to "No Return" by God is an Astronaut.  Listening to this gave me the most insane sensation.  I could feel all the blood in my body.  Especially in my face, I could feel it move.  I had no idea how to react to this feeling.  All I wanted to do was not think about anything and be absolutely calm.  I wanted to see to how long I could make it last and to see if I could somehow enhance it even more.  Well it got to the point where I thought I was going to combust.  Like literally fucking explode.  That's when I stopped myself.  If I'm going to blow up it's going to be on a lady.  So if you dudes notice a long absence in my writing, you could safely assume that I blew up... hopefully on a lady.  It's so weird I have heard that song 28374628374 times and for whatever reason this time it was so much more potent.  I get sensations all the time from music but not like that.  

So if that didn't totally scare you away from God is an Astronaut I highly recommend you check it out.  Go to radiobutt.blogspot.com and search for God is an Astronaut.  There are currently 2 albums up by them for download, "God is an Astronaut", and "All is Violent, All is Bright".  They are free to download.  The site also has some tasty morsels from, The Appleseed Cast, Boards of Canada, and Mogwai to name a few.  There is a limit to free downloads a day.  Sometimes its 1 other days its like 6.  So check that out if you want or something.

And I really suck at making anything tasty.  IRL or in writing blogs.  IRL meaning like actual cooking of tasty things.  Yes, I do understand writing blogs is IRL too.  

I'm sorry to disappoint

you all.  And by you all I mean the two people who read my shit.  The reason I'm apologizing is because I said in my last blog that this one should be tasty and I don't believe it will be.  Sorry dudes.  

Ok to the story.  So last night me and Vianca were chilling in my car again and that hoebag touched my music.  I was enjoying some Thursday and she straight up turned that off and put it on some shitty rap station.  Then she proceeded to turn down the music altogether and tell me about her weekend.  Bitch I don't care.  She kept talking about how fucked up she was and blah blah blah.  Then she asked me if I would go to a party with her.  

Vianca:  If I asked you to go to a party with me would you?

Me:  (pondering if this was her asking me out?)  Uhhhh I don't know

Vianca:  It will be fun.  You don't have to drink and you'll meet some cool people.

Me:  I'm not very good at socializing.  I would probably ruin the party.

Vianca:  No you won't.  You're coming with me this weekend and I'm going to get you drunk.

Me:  Oh Really?

Vianca:  Yes.

Me:  Yeah I don't see that happening

Vianca:  It will because I'll be there

Me:  You think you are the first person to try and get me drunk?

Vianca:  I will be the first to succeed.

Me:  OK

With my line "I'm not very good at socializing.  I would probably ruin the party", I thought I made it obvious that I didn't want to go.  The way I said it was pretty obvious I thought.  Unfortunately this broad is dumber than all kinds dumb shit and couldn't take a hint.  I don't want to be a dick to her but I think I will soon.  It's becoming much more apparent that this is the only method that she will understand.

I do not drink I do not smoke.  I'm not straightedge.  I like green tea and sex so that kind of makes me ineligible for that whole straightedge title.  DAMN.  

Vianca:  When you get drunk with your friends it creates like a whole new bond.

Vianca:  You become so close.  It's amazing.

Me:  Oh yeah?

Vianca:  Yes that's why I need to get you drunk with me.

Me:  I'm not trying to be an ass but I really don't see that happening.  

Vianca:  Oh it's happening.

Vianca:  Why don't you drink anyway?

Why don't I drink?  Why don't I smoke?  If I had a fucking dollar for this shit.

So here it goes I'm going to attempt to list out why I remain abstinent.  

1.  I do it for my mother.  She died when I was 5 years old giving birth to my little brother.  I remember loving her more than anything.  At her funeral I remember looking upon her and feeling nothing.  I had to force myself my cry.  How fucking twisted is that?  A 5 year old has to force tears for his deceased mother.  I felt like I betrayed her then.  I never wanted that feeling again.  I told my mother I wouldn't fail at school.  I would be something she can be proud of.  Now I don't believe in heaven or anything fantastic like that but it's more like I do it for her memory or something like that.  

2.  I do it for my little brother.  I want to be the best fucking role model for him.  I'm not what many call a "good boy" but I know what's important and what isn't.  I want him to be able to look up to me and see how he can function without being a slave to those fucking devices.  He can have fun and not do those things.  I don't get to see him much.  To give you an idea I've seen him once in about the past 5 years.  So when I do I have a lot to teach him and not a lot of time.  I know he needs me.  I owe it to him.  I can't betray him too.

3.  This may actually be the biggest reason.  I do it because of my environment.  After my mother passed I was forced to live with my first step family.  They fucking hated me.  My dad turned from my role model to a spineless fucking prick.  Betty(my stepmother) would tell my father to do all kinds of shit to me.  And he would.  That fucking piece of shit would fucking do it.  I was constantly ridiculed and chastised by all of them.  Anyway thats enough whining.  The common denominator was their stupidity.  They were so easily swayed by the media.  They would drink and smoke and be stupid.  These fuckers worshipped the Budweiser toads.  They bought shirts with beer products on them.  Fucking really?  I hated them.  I really couldn't stand them.  I promised myself I would never become like this.  The way they taught me about life was what not to be.  I wanted no part of their life.  They drank and they smoked so I won't.  

4.  I do it for my sister Alura.  She fucked up her life with drugs.  You know how I was talking about my shitty step family?  Well she joined them in destroying all my sense of self-worth but I still felt like she was different.  She was my sister.  Not.  I asked her before she got caught if she was doing drugs.  She looked at me straight in the eyes and swore on our mother's grave that she didn't.  I think this was the last time I was legitimately disappointed.  When she got caught with drugs they fucking gave her the boot.  Sent her to military school.  She basically got forced into the military from there.    What's the theme?  

I've come to realize that people's motivation is almost always entirely selfish.  In this case the euphoria from drugs.  To say I or anyone else really deviates from this would be a stretch.  However, I really can't do anything for myself.  I just don't have any incentives.  I am so fucking indifferent to everything.  My motives are almost always based off of ideals.  They are so pure and beautiful that I can't help but admire them.  They fill the void left by my emotions.  All I've got are these intangible ideas.  Yet I refuse to betray them.

There are more reasons than the ones I listed but I feel like those are the most important and most revealing.  Oh and I often say I'm "straightedge" because it's easier to say than "I don't drink or smoke" and trying to explain.

Anyway the next blog should definitely be another kind of delicious.

I am an ass

hole.  This girl basically said she was disgusted with me.  Yeah disgusted.  I am not sure what the reason was.  The only thing I could imagine it being, is the fact that I don't like her?  I liked her for a little while but her god damn insecurities drove me nuts.  Every 5 minutes, Do you still like me?  Are you ok?  I think I'll keep being annoying as piss.  Is that ok with you?... Do you still like me?  Bitch made me want to punch her in the throat.  I find it interesting how quickly someone can turn on you when you aren't what they desire.  You can be close, but if you aren't what they want then you become a piece of disgusting shit.

It's that darned crazy bitch demographic again.  I'd like to be her friend still.  She really is a nice person and you don't come across too many of those types nowadays.  

I'll try to make my next blog significantly better.  My past couple have been lacking in cool.  So look out for the next one.  It should be pretty tasty.

Peep it.

http://www.dobi.nu/yourscenesucks/scenesters.htm

made me giggle.

Fuck.

I'm starting to miss people.  This is not the time for my apathy shield to wear out.

FUCK.  Not fucking now.

Today

was the stupidest sequence of events ever.  Went into psychology class to learn absolutely nothing as usual.  I was really excited when I signed up for psychology.  I thought for sure I'd learn some interesting things.  Nope, nothing.  Today we talked about the influence of mass media on the individual.  Yeah?  Ordinarily, I would generally find this topic interesting but since the fuckface for a teacher, decided to do the most bland and incomprehensible lecture ever, I couldn't help but want to explode.  Fucking explode and take all the other retards in the class with me.  I can't even begin to imagine how the fuck these shit-machines even got to college.  Honestly.  Anyway, the lecture proceeded despite my protests.  So not only did the fuckeface not teach me a god damn thing, the whole time he was talking about everything through a sociological perspective.  Which again I wouldn't mind if my next class didn't happen to be Sociology.  "Oh class look at how these minorities are stereotyped in these movies.  I bet you never knew that happened before.  Oh look video games are violent.  I bet that blows your mind."  I just want him to teach me fucking something already.  I took psychology before, in high school, and that kind of was obliterated by a fucking tornado.  So I was kind of hoping to finish what was started.  But that is starting to look pretty fucking grim.

In some other news

There was one thing I was going to do today that I didn't get to.  There is a girl in my psychology class who seems nice but never speaks.  She isn't really anything special aesthetically but she seems peaceful.  I seem to have an affinity for things calm in nature.  Anyway, my plan was to talk to her after class.  She appears like she could use a friend and some form of divinity knows I could use some more of those myself.  However, my plan was quickly obliterated by my sociology teacher.  

As I proceeded to communicate. I'm abruptly interrupted,  "BRIAN!  Can you come with me for a second I need to talk to you."  Are you fucking kidding me?  I have said like 3 words in her class and never have I gave even the slightest inkling that I enjoyed her or the class.  So I figured it must be something pretty important for her to call me into her office like that.  No.  She asked me to stay so she could tell me how well I did on her test and how smart I was.  Bitch I don't fucking care.  Accolades are nice and everything but don't stop me and waste my time for that shit especially when I don't deserve them.  I know I sound like a dickmongrel right now but when someone I don't respect or care about gives me some form of compliment, I cannot honestly say that any part of me gives a fuck.  I mean it's flattering and all but if thats all you have to say don't stop me.  Don't pull me aside and make me watch you flail around your office just for you to say something nice.  Maybe if she taught me something.  Maybe if her class was the least bit interesting.  Maybe if she knew the subject she was trying to teach.  Maybe then I would care.  Instead the class is basically like a come-waste-your-time party.  I advise anyone considering this field or course to reconsider.

This is seriously what went down today in class:

Teacher:  "Oh what is that word I'm thinking of!!?!"

Random douche:  "Racism?"

Teacher:  "Yeah that!!"

Teacher:  "haha I... yeah don't do that."

Don't do what?  Don't do racism?  A noun?  Seriously?  I couldn't help but laugh a little aloud and at least contemplate putting a dildo on her car windshield with something engraved in it like "Nigger".  Then the conversation progressed into a discussion about segregation in the United States prior to Brown v. Board of Education.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY SEPARATED BLACKS AND WHITES?! OMG RIGHT?!  HOW CRAZY IS THAT?  I KNOW YOU DIDN'T LEARN ABOUT THIS IN 6th GRADE!!  At least I have philosophy and that cool guitar class to look forward to next semester.  

Later...

The day got much better when I got to talk to some old friends.  Interesting conversation about how exactly to get a girl to like you:

Rippin:  I was at this party and she started talking to me.  I don't even know dude I was drunk so I was going with it.  I guess she gave me her number and now we've been texting since.

Rippin:  I told her she looked sexy at the party.

Me:  You said the word sexy in real life?

Me:  hahaha thats straight lametown.  Everyone knows you don't use the word sexy in real life.

Nick:  Tell her she looks beautiful or gorgeous

Me:  Only say that if you never want to touch a boobie

Me:  If you want to say she looks good tell her she is a sex bomb or a sexual explosion or something like that.

Me:  Or you add bear or monster to the end of any compliment you may give.  Call her a slutmonster and she will be practically eating out of your hand

Rippin:  I was thinking about saying something about Poke'mon since she likes that

Me:  .....

Nick:  Tell her you want to show her your pokeballs

Rippin:  I'll show her my slytherin

Me:  Nigger you can't be talking about harry potter and Poke'mon at the same time.  Even if you did tell her all those pretty little nothings I mentioned.

Nick:  That's right dude you got to show her your Ekans dawg.

Me:  hahahahaha your so gay.  I fucking love you dude.  What he needs, is to show her his Arbok son.  He's a fucking cobra.  Be like 'hey baby if you're not careful he might spit something in your eyes.'

Rippin:  uhh

Nick:  hahahaha 

Me:  Trust me.

My methods have never really actually helped me at all.  Ever.  Except for that crazy bitch demographic.  Im fucking DiCaprio to them hoes.  

Another Conversation about gay love

Nick:  I like what you wrote there.  It was nice.

Nick:  I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I love you.

Me:  haha

Nick:  I mean it.

Nick:  Fuck I'm sick

Me:  Sick of my wiener not being in your butt.

Nick:  It's true

Me:  Word?

Nick:  Mhmm

Rippin:  You guys are so fucking gay

Me:  Whats gay about two dudes loving each other?

Me:  Enjoying a weiner in your butt every now and then by your man lover is beautiful

Nick:  I love you

Me:  Theres nothing gay about two dudes skeeting on each other and getting stuck together a little bit.

Me:  That's just science

That's almost verbatim.  Just for clarification Im not gay.  Or Bi.  I just thought it was funny or something.

Wow I just read this over and I sound like a prickmonster.  I usually don't cuss as much as today, but it seemed fitting today for some reason.  Also, I would like to apologize for the length and lack of interesting content.  I kinda just wanted to put my thoughts down before I go to bed.

Every time I

eat white rice I think of the movie "Three Ninjas".  How wild is that?  I always think of the scene at the very beginning of the movie there was this massive bowl of white rice and I just remember how amazing it looked.  As they were about to enjoy it a bunch ninjas came in and attacked them.  How I loved that movie.  Like these 9 year old kids were knocking out full grown dudes with one punch to the stomach.  Epic.  My favorite part was where those two stoner dudes where in their car after getting some slurpies.  They started to move but then were abruptly halted when they hit a random ass cop car.  The dudes looked at each other and said, "fender bender".  I know it doesn't seem like much of a scene but it was how they said it and looked at each other, that made me giggle every time.  

Back to the rice.  Something about that rice just seems so peaceful.  Like if I were to ingest some then I could have that same tranquility.  I think that is the reason I enjoy the color white so much.  Oh and after one of the "Jackie Chan Adventure"(or some crap like that) shows, they asked Jackie what is favorite color was and he said (paraphrasing), "I like white because it is so pure and clean.  I always wear white shirts.  They seem to relax me."  Since in my youth I liked Jackie Chan and "Three Ninjas" I think that has some correlation to my love for white clothing and such.

On a side note I understand white is not technically a color but the absence of it.  It's just easier to say "color" than to say "My favorite color is the absence of it."  Yah digg?

Nevermind

that wasn't my uncle.  

Today in music class I had this feeling.  I get this feeling and I wonder if other people get it too.  It's like my whole body is ablaze but it's too frigid for me to care.  I can feel my temperature fluctuate with every contraction of my diaphragm.  Heat is the only thing I can sense.  I can't feel gravity's pull or that I'm sitting or even my neighbor tapping my shoulder.  All that I can manage to feel is this awesome feeling of serenity.  It's only my head floating in space and I can fall in and out of sleep at any moment.  I can think about anything and everything with such clarity or I can think of absolute nothing.  In this state I am free from every inhibition (although I don't believe I have too many), I am content with absolutely everything, and I can't be hurt.  I think this is nirvana?  If so that would be sick.

In other news, I have grown extraordinarily weary of a particular "friend".  Her name is Vianca and she used to be pleasant.  Today it was more apparent than ever.  She never says anything of any interest or importance anymore.  In fact the only thing she ever mentions is how messed up she is, has been, or will be.  It's gotten to the point where if I still had the ability to sympathize I could possibly shed a tear for her shell of an existence.  Tonight as we sat in my car, like we always do on our break, she reeked of failure and pot.  She seemed so distant from everything she was.  She would ask me a question and I wouldn't bother answering.  She wasn't going to listen and she didn't care.  Her voice was unfamiliar.  Her face was usually always so bright, now was almost malignant.  She smoked 3 cigarettes in a 15 minute period.  As we listened to some Thrice she told me I would enjoy it a lot more if I was high with her.  At that point I wanted to just kick her out of my car and out of my life.  There was much dialogue waiting to slip from my lips but there was no point.  No matter how sharp my tongue became there was nothing I could say that could impale her mind let alone her heart.  All I could do was avoid eye contact and watch as a friend decomposed.  Deteriorated.  All I can hope for is that I can wash the stench of her rot out of my car and clothes.  But who am I kidding? I do not have the courage to abandon a cause I know is lost.  I'll be her friend when the others who have tainted her leave.  This is inevitable.  She will weep out her corruption and I will be there to ease the pain.  I will say good words and they will fall upon deaf ears.  I will be there as long as it's convenient and then I will be the one abandoned.  And thus the cycle will begin again.  Another friendship only as relative as its convenience.

I think that is my uncle now.  So I'll stop there.

Politics

Obama finally won.  This was the best choice, but as I watched what little bit of mind rot I could handle, I couldn't help but notice something.  Proposition 8 was ahead in the polls.  In case you didn't know, proposition 8 deals with the banning of gay marriage.  I know its silly of me to clarify things like this when we have such a well informed mass.  But I will do it anyway.  While viewing this garbage my uncle asked me how i felt about proposition 8.  Me, knowing that my uncle is a homophobe.  As well as him being too much of a yuck-head to ever allow himself to think.  Decided it was best to try and change subject.  Him being a drunkard and unable to comprehend words over 3 syllables, I felt the best course of action was avoidance.  However, he insisted.  Ordinarily, I would just say "I don't know" or agree with him to avoid the conversation but this time I deviated. 

I told him Prop 8 was a bunch of bullshit and if you're for it, you are probably some kind of ignorant yuckface.  He replies with "Whatever, if you are an adult and you want to be gay go for it but don't preach it to my kids."  In response I said, "Are you kidding me?  Like someone is going to turn 18 and be like 'hey I think I do like dick-in-butt after all'.  And preach?  Who the fuck is going to preach to kids about being gay?  Do you honestly think that schools are going to stray from arithmetic and reading to teach kids the perks of wiener on wiener action or what i like to call 'fencing'.  Do you really want your kids to be oblivious to what 'gay' is when they are older?  Do you want them to be oblivious to what's really happening in the world?  So when they grow up they won't understand what it is?  So when they are confronted with it they can react violently or fearfully in response to what they don't understand like society does?"  There is so much else I could have said or wanted to say but I changed the subject.  I didn't want to argue with him.  I didn't want to prove my intellectual superiority.  I guess I wanted to make a point?  At no point did any thoughts behind my motivation ever really come to mind.  So I am not entirely sure.  I have always kind of done this thing where I will sway people in one direction or keep them from another but I won't finish.  I don't know why.  I think I want them to have a lot of information.  Not enough to persuade them one way or another but enough to get them to at least think about it from both perspectives.  From there they can make a decision based off of something slightly more substantial than "gut" feeling.  To make it a habit to not be a blimy fuckterd.  

My other uncle just got home and its his birthday.  So I'm going to get off for a bit and probably give him some form of loving.  Probably in the form of; going on a carbonated beverage run so he can concoct some kind of intoxication inducing potion... or a high-five.  I think I'll end up going with the latter.

It has come to my attention

that nobody reads my shit.  And yet I still talk like I'm writing to someone.

Until Then

and in this plague, we have drowned
and into this night, we will float
and together, we do fall
and in that cold, we were forever

this is another I came up with that same night.  Kind of thrown together super fast.  But let me know what you think.

This will be a number

I am the stone, that was left unturned 
I am the emptiness, that you sing at night
I am the fire, that begs you to burn
I am the nothing, that lost your sight

I am the will, that is left unused
I am the pride, that was once proud
I am the lie, that you misused
I am the collision, that is your sound

You are the cold, in this air
And i am wind
You are the doubt, in my mind
And i am insecurity

so i used to write a lot of poetry and whatnot.  Im trying to get better at it.  This is one i concocted a couple of nights ago.  It was just off the top of the dome.  So it still needs some work.

so

in response to several of my friends growing concern about certain issues involving Obama.  I have decided to retaliate.  It was basically a video talking about a particular type of abortion and how Obama is a savage who didn't vote for some bill.  This ultimately changed their perspective about this election.  They said things like "Im not down with abortion", "Im scared if Obama gets elected", "When he talks about change, this makes me wonder what kind." and my favorite "Obama's moral compass is so far out of whack its ridiculous." So in response I sent them all a message basically saying this...

How fickl​e can one perso​n be? 

In respo​nse to you peopl​e posti​ng bulle​tins about​ barra​ck obama​ and his assoc​iatio​n with abort​ion legislatio​n I have been force​d to put in my 2 cents​.​

This is calle​d propa​ganda​.​ Prote​ct yours​elf.​
movin​g on.​.​.​

The cruel​ty and metho​d of this parti​cular​ type of abort​ion has nothi​ng to do with obama​'​s work or legis​latio​n or perso​nal agend​a/​belie​fs.​ That I Belie​ve is based​ on the hospi​tal and/​or docto​r/​nurse​ that is admin​ister​ing this proce​dure.​ The animo​sity you have is mispl​aced and shoul​d be put on the hospi​tal.​ 

conti​nuing​

He is pro-​choic​e and is adama​nt about​ peopl​e not havin​g restr​icted​ freed​oms such as anti-​abort​ion.​ which​ is the chang​e he menti​ons conti​nuous​ly in his speec​hes.​ Less gover​nment​ where​ it is not neede​d and more where​ it is. 
You say the child​ is alrea​dy alive​ (​it'​s murde​r)​.​ Well that is true but we all know what abort​ion entai​ls.​ 
I will admit​ and agree​ this metho​d is savag​e and I belie​ve shoul​d be done away with altog​ether​.​ Howev​er,​ as a staun​ch suppo​rter of all the civil​ liber​ties the const​ituti​on entai​ls and we as human​s are born with,​ it is not the say of any gover​nment​ legis​latio​n to say what can and canno​t be done withi​n certa​in bound​aries​.​ 
Basin​g your entir​e perce​ption​ of a man based​ off of one bill that he didn'​t vote for means​ you shoul​d broad​en your eyes and shoul​d not vote.​ 
Furth​ermor​e,​ you do not have all the detai​ls,​ I perso​nally​ don'​t remem​ber if it said he voted​ again​st it or if he just didn'​t vote for it. Which​ are 2 entir​ely diffe​rent thing​s.​ Also what exact​ly did the bill say? 
If you are famil​iar with the term pork-​barre​ling then you are aware​ that not every​ bill is what it says it is. 
I know it's easy to make biase​s but you have got to educa​te yours​elf.​ Polit​ician​s prey on the publi​c'​s ignor​ance as do so many other​s with an agend​a that requi​res an uninf​ormed​ mass to make a concl​usion​ based​ on half-​truth​s and lies.​ 
These​ peopl​e targe​t your emoti​ons (​sympa​thy for babie​s in this case)​ and thrus​t you into a direc​tion you may have other​wise ignor​ed.​ Just pleas​e educa​te yours​elf it's the only thing​ that separ​ates you from ignor​ance.​

If you read this whole​ thing​ then aweso​me

xoxo

P.S. 
as a final​ note i do not mean to come off conde​scend​ing or in some way "​super​ior"​.​ I mysel​f have found​ mysel​f being​ swaye​d by some form of propa​ganda​ or anoth​er but i have found​ the best means​ of comba​tting​ such metho​ds by learn​ing.​.​.​

good times

Epic Super Smash Brothers Battle going on with me and my cousins.  That was fun and amazing and all but this series of events definitely made the night...

[Julian enters]

Bino:  Did you just take a dump?

Julian:  No?

Bino:  Well it smells like terds

Bino:  Actually it smells like broccoli

Bino:  Is Lethey making broccoli?

Julian:  No I just farted

Bino:  Holy shit you smell like broccoli hahaha

Julian:  haha

Me:  I don't...

Me:  ....Oh shit that's putrid

Me:  And it smells just like broccoli

Me:  hahahahhaa

Me:  What a perfect fucking assessment dude

[Laughter in unison]

just a warning.

I would like to apologize for being terrible with my grammar.  Also for my repeated use of the pronoun "I" (When I stop sucking at writing I'll be sure to fix that).  I sometimes skip and miss whole words or even phrases.  Im generally very good at not sounding like a retard on the internet.  So for future reference, on all my next posts I would like to apologize in advance for being shitty at blogging.  :(