I'm sorry to disappoint

you all.  And by you all I mean the two people who read my shit.  The reason I'm apologizing is because I said in my last blog that this one should be tasty and I don't believe it will be.  Sorry dudes.  

Ok to the story.  So last night me and Vianca were chilling in my car again and that hoebag touched my music.  I was enjoying some Thursday and she straight up turned that off and put it on some shitty rap station.  Then she proceeded to turn down the music altogether and tell me about her weekend.  Bitch I don't care.  She kept talking about how fucked up she was and blah blah blah.  Then she asked me if I would go to a party with her.  

Vianca:  If I asked you to go to a party with me would you?

Me:  (pondering if this was her asking me out?)  Uhhhh I don't know

Vianca:  It will be fun.  You don't have to drink and you'll meet some cool people.

Me:  I'm not very good at socializing.  I would probably ruin the party.

Vianca:  No you won't.  You're coming with me this weekend and I'm going to get you drunk.

Me:  Oh Really?

Vianca:  Yes.

Me:  Yeah I don't see that happening

Vianca:  It will because I'll be there

Me:  You think you are the first person to try and get me drunk?

Vianca:  I will be the first to succeed.

Me:  OK

With my line "I'm not very good at socializing.  I would probably ruin the party", I thought I made it obvious that I didn't want to go.  The way I said it was pretty obvious I thought.  Unfortunately this broad is dumber than all kinds dumb shit and couldn't take a hint.  I don't want to be a dick to her but I think I will soon.  It's becoming much more apparent that this is the only method that she will understand.

I do not drink I do not smoke.  I'm not straightedge.  I like green tea and sex so that kind of makes me ineligible for that whole straightedge title.  DAMN.  

Vianca:  When you get drunk with your friends it creates like a whole new bond.

Vianca:  You become so close.  It's amazing.

Me:  Oh yeah?

Vianca:  Yes that's why I need to get you drunk with me.

Me:  I'm not trying to be an ass but I really don't see that happening.  

Vianca:  Oh it's happening.

Vianca:  Why don't you drink anyway?

Why don't I drink?  Why don't I smoke?  If I had a fucking dollar for this shit.

So here it goes I'm going to attempt to list out why I remain abstinent.  

1.  I do it for my mother.  She died when I was 5 years old giving birth to my little brother.  I remember loving her more than anything.  At her funeral I remember looking upon her and feeling nothing.  I had to force myself my cry.  How fucking twisted is that?  A 5 year old has to force tears for his deceased mother.  I felt like I betrayed her then.  I never wanted that feeling again.  I told my mother I wouldn't fail at school.  I would be something she can be proud of.  Now I don't believe in heaven or anything fantastic like that but it's more like I do it for her memory or something like that.  

2.  I do it for my little brother.  I want to be the best fucking role model for him.  I'm not what many call a "good boy" but I know what's important and what isn't.  I want him to be able to look up to me and see how he can function without being a slave to those fucking devices.  He can have fun and not do those things.  I don't get to see him much.  To give you an idea I've seen him once in about the past 5 years.  So when I do I have a lot to teach him and not a lot of time.  I know he needs me.  I owe it to him.  I can't betray him too.

3.  This may actually be the biggest reason.  I do it because of my environment.  After my mother passed I was forced to live with my first step family.  They fucking hated me.  My dad turned from my role model to a spineless fucking prick.  Betty(my stepmother) would tell my father to do all kinds of shit to me.  And he would.  That fucking piece of shit would fucking do it.  I was constantly ridiculed and chastised by all of them.  Anyway thats enough whining.  The common denominator was their stupidity.  They were so easily swayed by the media.  They would drink and smoke and be stupid.  These fuckers worshipped the Budweiser toads.  They bought shirts with beer products on them.  Fucking really?  I hated them.  I really couldn't stand them.  I promised myself I would never become like this.  The way they taught me about life was what not to be.  I wanted no part of their life.  They drank and they smoked so I won't.  

4.  I do it for my sister Alura.  She fucked up her life with drugs.  You know how I was talking about my shitty step family?  Well she joined them in destroying all my sense of self-worth but I still felt like she was different.  She was my sister.  Not.  I asked her before she got caught if she was doing drugs.  She looked at me straight in the eyes and swore on our mother's grave that she didn't.  I think this was the last time I was legitimately disappointed.  When she got caught with drugs they fucking gave her the boot.  Sent her to military school.  She basically got forced into the military from there.    What's the theme?  

I've come to realize that people's motivation is almost always entirely selfish.  In this case the euphoria from drugs.  To say I or anyone else really deviates from this would be a stretch.  However, I really can't do anything for myself.  I just don't have any incentives.  I am so fucking indifferent to everything.  My motives are almost always based off of ideals.  They are so pure and beautiful that I can't help but admire them.  They fill the void left by my emotions.  All I've got are these intangible ideas.  Yet I refuse to betray them.

There are more reasons than the ones I listed but I feel like those are the most important and most revealing.  Oh and I often say I'm "straightedge" because it's easier to say than "I don't drink or smoke" and trying to explain.

Anyway the next blog should definitely be another kind of delicious.