Today in music class I had this feeling. I get this feeling and I wonder if other people get it too. It's like my whole body is ablaze but it's too frigid for me to care. I can feel my temperature fluctuate with every contraction of my diaphragm. Heat is the only thing I can sense. I can't feel gravity's pull or that I'm sitting or even my neighbor tapping my shoulder. All that I can manage to feel is this awesome feeling of serenity. It's only my head floating in space and I can fall in and out of sleep at any moment. I can think about anything and everything with such clarity or I can think of absolute nothing. In this state I am free from every inhibition (although I don't believe I have too many), I am content with absolutely everything, and I can't be hurt. I think this is nirvana? If so that would be sick.
In other news, I have grown extraordinarily weary of a particular "friend". Her name is Vianca and she used to be pleasant. Today it was more apparent than ever. She never says anything of any interest or importance anymore. In fact the only thing she ever mentions is how messed up she is, has been, or will be. It's gotten to the point where if I still had the ability to sympathize I could possibly shed a tear for her shell of an existence. Tonight as we sat in my car, like we always do on our break, she reeked of failure and pot. She seemed so distant from everything she was. She would ask me a question and I wouldn't bother answering. She wasn't going to listen and she didn't care. Her voice was unfamiliar. Her face was usually always so bright, now was almost malignant. She smoked 3 cigarettes in a 15 minute period. As we listened to some Thrice she told me I would enjoy it a lot more if I was high with her. At that point I wanted to just kick her out of my car and out of my life. There was much dialogue waiting to slip from my lips but there was no point. No matter how sharp my tongue became there was nothing I could say that could impale her mind let alone her heart. All I could do was avoid eye contact and watch as a friend decomposed. Deteriorated. All I can hope for is that I can wash the stench of her rot out of my car and clothes. But who am I kidding? I do not have the courage to abandon a cause I know is lost. I'll be her friend when the others who have tainted her leave. This is inevitable. She will weep out her corruption and I will be there to ease the pain. I will say good words and they will fall upon deaf ears. I will be there as long as it's convenient and then I will be the one abandoned. And thus the cycle will begin again. Another friendship only as relative as its convenience.
I think that is my uncle now. So I'll stop there.
2 comments:
maybe you should tell her
you don't know the impact it could have unless you try. maybe she knows she's slipping, but doesn't have the motivation to stop it.
or just let her know that she should stop because if she doesn't have a soul left to eat when cthulhu comes around, there are going to be some volatile consequences haha. :d
oh I've told her. and warned her about the potential soul eating.
But her response was always something like "Yeah... I know it's not good but fuck it I'm having fun."
She told me about how she fell into this pit before. So she knows what's happening and how to get out of it. If she chooses to let her self go again I have no say.
I wish I could turn into a bear and rip off a limb of hers or something. That would definitely change her thought process.
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