I'm getting

worse and worse at writing these things.  

Okay so I just got a voicemail from my an old friend and that shit just gave me the goofiest fucking grin.  That really just made my day.  More like my week.

I've also been thinking about lyrics in songs.  More so than usual.

"If I cut your skin off, you'd look just like me."

"We should be back to back.  

But then it would be harder to stab you in the back.  

We should be back to back.  

But then it would be harder to slash your throat.  

We should be back to back."

"Well you know I hardly speak.

And when I do it's just for you.

I haven't said a word in weeks.

Because they've been keeping me from you.

There's a way where there's a will

You know I got no need for stairs

Step out on the window seal

And fall with me into the air"

Those are some of the lyrics that have been stuck in my head these past couple of days.

Oh yesterday was pretty gay.  I decided to do my uncle a favor.  That was a bad idea.  I went fucking shopping for his daughter.  I had to buy her a PINK Nintendo DS.  Has to be fucking pink.  Well I drive the hour drive it takes to actually participate in any kind of shopping experience.  Only to find that nobody has fucking PINK ones.  So I drive around wasting all my fucking gas on his daughters fucking PINK toy.  Not only that but yesterday there was so many fucking people everywhere.  All these people coming out to spend their money on the most insignificant material shit.  Then again what was I doing but perpetuating this behavior?  I hate feeling like I'm contributing to the shithole that is society.  Thankfully I had enough metal in my music arsenal to keep me sane.  Which reminds me, when the fuck did kids get to be so picky?  I remember for me it was nothing like this.  I got a bike one year... but it was a girl's bike.  Turns out my dad thought it was my sister's birthday.  I still rode that shit until they took it away from me 2 weeks later and told me I looked like a faggot riding around on it.  At what point, between then and now, did kids not only get to choose what they wanted and actually got it, but to specify such bullshit like color.  I realize I used the word fucking quite a bit.  If I had an ability to articulate what I was saying with a broader vocabulary without sounding like a total asshole I totally would.

Whatev I got some more metal in my itunes now.  A lot more.  I've missed it.

 

Bring the mother fucking ruckus.

Thanks

giving is fucking retarded.  The same for christmas and valentine's day.  Basically all the holidays that say you have to go out and buy shit are fucking retarded.  Why one day of the year?  Why not everyday you show your mother you love her?  

2.  My uncle's friend told me Radioshack was hiring.  I went in there and they were basically like "NO".  Cool man.  I should have known.  He was drunk as hell so I should have understood from his slurred speech and rotten ass breath that he was full of shit. 

3.  Me and Vianca seem to be going out of our way to avoid each other.  I was going to go to this meeting thing to keep some band shit for the elementary school.  Well she wanted to go at the last minute.  I didn't very much care to see her so I ended up not going.  So I suppose in retaliation she missed our next class.  Man it's weird how quickly my feelings towards people change.  I had a crush on her at first.  She was supposedly done with a lot of retarded ass shit which I thought was awesome.  However, I soon found out that she had the sense of humor of someone who had been comatose for the past 6 years.  And also the fact that she is shit didn't help her cause too much either.  

4.  I'm going to see God Is An Astronaut on December 6th in San Francisco.  I'm currently looking for more shows in that time period to go to.  My step mom has decided that she is going to send me money.  So instead of buying shit for school I'm going to buy shit that's worthwhile, tickets to shows and gas to get there.  

5.  This girl who I used to have sex with quite frequently back in Alabama got word that I was coming back to visit.  Basically she said something along the lines of, "When you get back we are going to fuck nonstop."  Actually that was pretty much verbatim.  I told her no and she acted like she didn't hear it.  No matter how many times I said it.  So I pretty much gave up on that.  I really don't want to do it with her ever again.  However, she is some kind of master of seduction.  Have to wait and see how it goes I suppose.  

That's about all the news for now that I can think of.  

So

there are a lot of ideas in my head right now.  A lot of things have happened in the past couple of days.  Instead of trying to put them in a coherent story I'm just going to make a list.  

Last night was the best night I have had in a quite some time.  Hung out with my cousins and laughed harder than I can recall in recent memory.  I'm not even sure what it is that starts these giggle sessions.  It seems like every time we hang out there is always some point where we all start laughing uncontrollably.  We were playing fucking Poke'mon Stadium and Super Smash on the N64 and Julian was attempting to draw some of the action.  His version of DK getting blasted by Samus is the stuff of legends.  Also, I'm very impressed in my boy Bino's improvement in musical taste.  When I came out here he was listening to radio rock.  Last night, however, we were listening to BTBAM, Norma Jean, Unearth, August Burns Red, and so many more tasty morsels.  My next step is to get him into post rock.  Then it is off to Indie and eventually DnB.  I listen to everything that is good.  It just takes some time and effort to understand that there is a whole lot of shit in different genres that is awesome.  I don't want him or anyone really to miss out.

Next.  A long time ago when I was in 10th grade I had a mad crush on this incredibly attractive young lady.  Well to avoid a long gay ass story... nothing really happened there.  Anyway, I guess I struck her as some kind of super sweetheart or some shit.  So, now, she calls me and IMs me from time to time only to remind me that we were never together.  Which now I could give a shit because frankly she looks like a clown and is kind of a tramp.  TBH.  Basically she always says something about having sex with her ex, about how her life sucks, and how she wishes I was there.  It's so funny when she talks to me.  I think she still believes I like her or something.  She will say something like "FINE, I'm going to go then." after one of my "sassy" remarks.  I only ever reply with "ok." or something to that effect.  Then she gets super angry.  Really?  What's up with me and crazy bitches anyway?  You may wonder why I still talk to her.  Truth is I never burn bridges unless I feel like that person is a legitimately bad person.  I may not really ever talk to them or even like them but if they ever needed me I would be there.  In other words, I'm gay.

Let's see what else.  Oh I'm going to go back to Alabama sometime after Christmas for a while.   I talked to some peeps over there and a handful of comrades still exist.  So basically for some period of time it will be me with Matt, Sanders, and Sean.  I know you don't know who they are but those are my best friends so far.  I'm mostly excited for Matt.  Yeah that's pretty gay sounding.  But god dammit I never have more fun than when we hang out.  OH OH and Monique and Rachel are going to be there.  More people you guys don't know or care about.  Shit dude I had more friends than I realized.  This trip is rather totally going to make me regret my move or it's finally going to cure my homesickness. 

There is probably some more mundane shit going on that I've forgotten.  If I remember I'll be sure to keep you guys posted.  

Snooped.

I noticed in my dashboard next to my blogs it has a thing saying "Team Members".  I want a blog team with members... Who's down to make the most righteous fucking team ever?!

I am uncertain why I am so excited about this.

Combustion.

I have no idea where to begin.  Ok.  Yesterday I went on a small road trip of sorts.  I drove to a town called Salinas, which is about a 1 hour drive.  The importance of this trip is based solely on my state of mind prior to it.  Before, I was getting more and more bummed about moving all the way out to California.  Well on this little trip it was like I noticed all kinds of things for the first time.  The landscape in particular.  I knew it was nice before but on this trip it was different.  It was perfect.  Made me almost not regret moving out here.  That notion in itself was quite profound to me.  A picturesque landscape was worth leaving nearly all of my friends.  I finally decided that instead of thinking of it that way, I am just going to have to move all my friends out to California with me.  If it wasn't so challenging meeting someone who wasn't completely fucking shitty around here I think that could drastically improve my outlook on this situation.  

However, when I got to Salinas I met some random dude at Best Buy who was not shitty.  We had an in-depth conversation about bands, shows, and all things musical.  Anyway, I bought some CDs at Best Buy.  Among them was the new Copeland album.  It is one of the most incredible albums I've ever heard.  If you aren't a fan of Copeland... you will be after you buy that album.  While listening on my voyage home I realized something.  Nearly all bands make songs but so few make real music.  This may not make sense but I've discovered that there is a line between music and songs.  I am not really sure how to describe it as I'm unaware of its entire meaning.  I haven't been this struck by an album since "The Earth is not a Cold Dark Place" by Explosions in the Sky.  There was a line in one of their songs "Everyone knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up".  I couldn't help but get stuck on that line.  Dissect every possible interpretation.  Oh man, you have no idea how excited I get when I hear a brilliant line.  Not necessarily that line in particular but any really awesome line.  Especially if it's void of any real definite meaning.  An ambiguous phrase that plays with my mind is my kind of euphoria.  I fucking love thinking, in particular, thinking about abstract shit.  

When I almost got home I accidentally turned on the radio.  It still was on that shitty rap station Vianca put it on since I never listen to the radio.  Well mother fucking Juvenile "Back That Ass Up" came on.  I love that new Copeland album but I couldn't resist.  God rap is so terrible sometimes it's awesome.  Listening to it put me back in like the 7th grade around "Field Day" time.  Then I realized that for whatever reason I have a lot of good memories associated with shitty rap music.  Your guess is as good as mine.  

In more current events I was listening to "No Return" by God is an Astronaut.  Listening to this gave me the most insane sensation.  I could feel all the blood in my body.  Especially in my face, I could feel it move.  I had no idea how to react to this feeling.  All I wanted to do was not think about anything and be absolutely calm.  I wanted to see to how long I could make it last and to see if I could somehow enhance it even more.  Well it got to the point where I thought I was going to combust.  Like literally fucking explode.  That's when I stopped myself.  If I'm going to blow up it's going to be on a lady.  So if you dudes notice a long absence in my writing, you could safely assume that I blew up... hopefully on a lady.  It's so weird I have heard that song 28374628374 times and for whatever reason this time it was so much more potent.  I get sensations all the time from music but not like that.  

So if that didn't totally scare you away from God is an Astronaut I highly recommend you check it out.  Go to radiobutt.blogspot.com and search for God is an Astronaut.  There are currently 2 albums up by them for download, "God is an Astronaut", and "All is Violent, All is Bright".  They are free to download.  The site also has some tasty morsels from, The Appleseed Cast, Boards of Canada, and Mogwai to name a few.  There is a limit to free downloads a day.  Sometimes its 1 other days its like 6.  So check that out if you want or something.

And I really suck at making anything tasty.  IRL or in writing blogs.  IRL meaning like actual cooking of tasty things.  Yes, I do understand writing blogs is IRL too.  

I'm sorry to disappoint

you all.  And by you all I mean the two people who read my shit.  The reason I'm apologizing is because I said in my last blog that this one should be tasty and I don't believe it will be.  Sorry dudes.  

Ok to the story.  So last night me and Vianca were chilling in my car again and that hoebag touched my music.  I was enjoying some Thursday and she straight up turned that off and put it on some shitty rap station.  Then she proceeded to turn down the music altogether and tell me about her weekend.  Bitch I don't care.  She kept talking about how fucked up she was and blah blah blah.  Then she asked me if I would go to a party with her.  

Vianca:  If I asked you to go to a party with me would you?

Me:  (pondering if this was her asking me out?)  Uhhhh I don't know

Vianca:  It will be fun.  You don't have to drink and you'll meet some cool people.

Me:  I'm not very good at socializing.  I would probably ruin the party.

Vianca:  No you won't.  You're coming with me this weekend and I'm going to get you drunk.

Me:  Oh Really?

Vianca:  Yes.

Me:  Yeah I don't see that happening

Vianca:  It will because I'll be there

Me:  You think you are the first person to try and get me drunk?

Vianca:  I will be the first to succeed.

Me:  OK

With my line "I'm not very good at socializing.  I would probably ruin the party", I thought I made it obvious that I didn't want to go.  The way I said it was pretty obvious I thought.  Unfortunately this broad is dumber than all kinds dumb shit and couldn't take a hint.  I don't want to be a dick to her but I think I will soon.  It's becoming much more apparent that this is the only method that she will understand.

I do not drink I do not smoke.  I'm not straightedge.  I like green tea and sex so that kind of makes me ineligible for that whole straightedge title.  DAMN.  

Vianca:  When you get drunk with your friends it creates like a whole new bond.

Vianca:  You become so close.  It's amazing.

Me:  Oh yeah?

Vianca:  Yes that's why I need to get you drunk with me.

Me:  I'm not trying to be an ass but I really don't see that happening.  

Vianca:  Oh it's happening.

Vianca:  Why don't you drink anyway?

Why don't I drink?  Why don't I smoke?  If I had a fucking dollar for this shit.

So here it goes I'm going to attempt to list out why I remain abstinent.  

1.  I do it for my mother.  She died when I was 5 years old giving birth to my little brother.  I remember loving her more than anything.  At her funeral I remember looking upon her and feeling nothing.  I had to force myself my cry.  How fucking twisted is that?  A 5 year old has to force tears for his deceased mother.  I felt like I betrayed her then.  I never wanted that feeling again.  I told my mother I wouldn't fail at school.  I would be something she can be proud of.  Now I don't believe in heaven or anything fantastic like that but it's more like I do it for her memory or something like that.  

2.  I do it for my little brother.  I want to be the best fucking role model for him.  I'm not what many call a "good boy" but I know what's important and what isn't.  I want him to be able to look up to me and see how he can function without being a slave to those fucking devices.  He can have fun and not do those things.  I don't get to see him much.  To give you an idea I've seen him once in about the past 5 years.  So when I do I have a lot to teach him and not a lot of time.  I know he needs me.  I owe it to him.  I can't betray him too.

3.  This may actually be the biggest reason.  I do it because of my environment.  After my mother passed I was forced to live with my first step family.  They fucking hated me.  My dad turned from my role model to a spineless fucking prick.  Betty(my stepmother) would tell my father to do all kinds of shit to me.  And he would.  That fucking piece of shit would fucking do it.  I was constantly ridiculed and chastised by all of them.  Anyway thats enough whining.  The common denominator was their stupidity.  They were so easily swayed by the media.  They would drink and smoke and be stupid.  These fuckers worshipped the Budweiser toads.  They bought shirts with beer products on them.  Fucking really?  I hated them.  I really couldn't stand them.  I promised myself I would never become like this.  The way they taught me about life was what not to be.  I wanted no part of their life.  They drank and they smoked so I won't.  

4.  I do it for my sister Alura.  She fucked up her life with drugs.  You know how I was talking about my shitty step family?  Well she joined them in destroying all my sense of self-worth but I still felt like she was different.  She was my sister.  Not.  I asked her before she got caught if she was doing drugs.  She looked at me straight in the eyes and swore on our mother's grave that she didn't.  I think this was the last time I was legitimately disappointed.  When she got caught with drugs they fucking gave her the boot.  Sent her to military school.  She basically got forced into the military from there.    What's the theme?  

I've come to realize that people's motivation is almost always entirely selfish.  In this case the euphoria from drugs.  To say I or anyone else really deviates from this would be a stretch.  However, I really can't do anything for myself.  I just don't have any incentives.  I am so fucking indifferent to everything.  My motives are almost always based off of ideals.  They are so pure and beautiful that I can't help but admire them.  They fill the void left by my emotions.  All I've got are these intangible ideas.  Yet I refuse to betray them.

There are more reasons than the ones I listed but I feel like those are the most important and most revealing.  Oh and I often say I'm "straightedge" because it's easier to say than "I don't drink or smoke" and trying to explain.

Anyway the next blog should definitely be another kind of delicious.