Me: There is a difference between sincere, genuine happiness and the gilded "happiness" that one acquires when they have acquired all the shit that other people say should make them pleased.
Her: How do you know there is a difference?
Me: How can there not be? I don't want to believe that, that weak minded twat is going to be allowed the same level of happiness as someone who has accomplished and has lived a life that they really loved. So I won't believe otherwise.
Her: Do you think you will ever be satisfied?
Me: I don't know... probably... I will.
Her: How do you know?
Me: I won't allow myself to not be.
I know she hates when I talk like this but I can't help it. I wish she wasn't so fucking scared to just tell me shit. I wish she would just say, "Your fucking full of shit this is why you're wrong..." I want to be able to have a conversation that incorporates philosophy, ideas, science, and speculation. I don't think I will ever get that with her. She refuses to change anything. I really don't mean to push her in any given "mental path" but I just want to provide an incentive for her to read up on some shit and use more of her cognition on important shit than on all the tedious things she normally spends it on. I know there is some brilliance in there somewhere, and I intend on bringing that out. She has the potential to be something really fucking special, I really feel it. I think she is afraid of it and I want her not to be. I've been insisting that she reads "The Fountainhead" some other philosophy books, and watch some very thought provoking videos, but again she refuses to do any of these. Our range of conversation is limited. She is quiet in general so it's usually up to me to keep up the conversation (even though I'm quiet too). I don't mind that but I can only make up jokes and small talk for so long. I want to talk about something more interesting and in depth but she refuses to. Unfortunately, she can't.
Another recent conversation
Her: Sometimes people just like things. There doesn't have to be a reason they just like it. There isn't a need to think about it.
Me: (subconsciously I thought "Please tell me you don't really think like this") There is a reason. There is always a reason.
Her: Why? Why can't there be things that people just like?
Me: Maybe that's possible but I seriously doubt it. Think about it. There are two influences in our life nature (our genes) and nurture (our environment). Those two things are the sole reasons for preference and desire. We draw on past experiences to learn from which lead to tendencies. Everything we do is in some way influenced by something. Whether internal or external doesn't make that much of a difference. The real problem or question we should think about to answer almost everything we have just discussed is this: How much of you is you?
Her: All of me is me.
Me: In a literal sense. There is shit that wants you to stay a certain way and wants to make it so fucking appealing to just not think about it. But you have to. You fucking have to. When you don't think about that shit what are you thinking about? Is anything else really worth the time of your thought? Is anything else really worth the effort or energy you invest into it? You can ignore it if you want. I can understand if you choose this route but I can't. I feel like the only things worth your time and thought is the shit you love, and the shit you think about to better understand you. That's it. Everything else is conditioned.
Now keep in mind that these conversations aren't verbatim. However, they are very accurate, and the points made were made in the real thing.
So I don't know what to do. I don't know what it is about her that draws me in. I've never been this close with another girl, although I don't have a ton of experiences in that department. Some days I feel like nothing can stop us and other days I don't know why she even means anything to me. Maybe I'm just fickle. We actually have a lot of the same positions on things, she really doesn't care about material things, or most things in general. Which is awesome. There are other things that we agree on about higher philosophical crap but she hasn't learned about a fraction of the shit I have. Her feelings were innate. I "educated" myself to this point, she reached hers by the strength of her own mind. So, how can she not have bananas potential if she has already innately learned so much about the world without actually trying to learn about the world.
If she is the real deal there are certain things I want to be able to do. I want to be able to have deep conversations, I want to be able to talk about nothing and just be able to fucking goof around. We as of this moment cannot do all of those things.
2 comments:
So, happiness: I found that concept intriguing. I've never really given it much conscious thought, but I can see there being two types, a little different than yours, but still two types. There's your, as you said, true happiness. The kind of joy that, I think, lays in one's self satisfaction and how much one likes ones self, the life they've lead, and the decisions they've made to the point were they're not conceited. And then, in my opinion, there's happiness derived from other people; family, friends, people you respect as well as their opinions of you, etc. If those people leave and you're no longer a happy person, were you ever really happy to begin with? I suppose these "types" can vary based on what you've been exposed to. Personally, I've never been happy with the things that others tell me I should be happy with. That I can recall.
Also, Nature vs. Nurture was the most complicated topics that we covered in Psych last year. For me, at least. It made my brain hurt trying to work out my opinion. I mean, it literally gave me a thinking cramp, I'm not used to not being able to make up my mind on an issue. It frustrated me to no end, like an endless game of Pong going on all day in my skull, trying to work it out. I still think there are holes in the concept, but for the most part it's proven true... I don’t know. It may just be my dislike of the concept in general. It's fascinating, but makes me feel a bit helpless to think that nothing about me is... me, in essence. It's a very harsh idea. I can see why she may have been reluctant to even try thinking about that. I still am, after a year being introduced to it I try not to think about it.
Happiness is such a debatable concept. I'd love to have an intelligent and informed discussion/debate about it; the problem though, is that she just refuses to think about anything. I kind of admire her fortitude in a way but that shit for real drives me crazy.
Well if nature vs. nurture scares you then you probably don't want to hear that scientists are pretty sure "free will" doesn't exist. How they know that I'm not sure but if you think about it... it's hard to argue. It's such a convoluted idea that it's hard to sort everything out in your head. I'll probably make a post exclusively about it sometime in the future.
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