An Involuntary Surplus

I don't know why I'm this pissed but seriously fuck you. What I am about to say you do not deserve to hear but in my fit of rage here I will say it. You at your current state can never be truly happy. You won't allow yourself. You can't say no and are driven by desires that have manipulated your thought process. The mass person incarnate. 

And you know maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion given the circumstances. But this has only further perpetuated the doom that I feared may not have been inevitable but now is proven otherwise. In other words I cannot trust you. Yes you told me but it was in the manner that you spoke of it that left me in awe of your technique. So unaffected and with such ease.

I will not take from you what you once wanted me to. Nor will I give you what you were willing to give me.

So fuck. I am trying to get my shit together for this final tomorrow. But I'm so fucking pissed I have to keep the guitar away from myself to keep from smashing it.

My reaction is unfair. But this was the missing piece to the doubts I had. And they are now complete like maybe we would have been. Such is my luck. 

You know I usually always have a pretty happy demeanor. Am polite to strangers and people who don't receive the things they deserve. I will not subject myself to actions or behavior that is beneath me. I would never cheat on a significant other even if I didn't love her. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt them. I would in all sincerity to make her as happy and as complete as I could. But I have done something or perhaps I am the something that keeps me from ever having these things done onto me. 

Still I fear that when you read this that you will weep. And that still hurts me to hurt another especially one who was this close. I guess it was my fault for not making you smile or laugh enough or maybe for not saying the right things at the right times. I did the best I could from my position. I'm sorry that wasn't satiable.

Abolish

After reviewing many of my previous posts on here I've realized how shitty I am at accurately depicting my thoughts in a non douche-bag manner. I don't believe that I have done even an adequate job at portraying what I am really thinking or who I am. But everything I have put on here I have done in all honesty which I guess means that I really am a douche after all. Damn.

I can't even begin to describe my ineptitude at these things. I just have a hard time believing that anyone else shares these same thoughts or this same self. I have heard tales of being empty and things of that nature but never have I ever believed that it could amount to the void in myself. The ideas of the philosophers mentioned in my previous post have given me some kind of optimism. When I say I am apathetic towards most everything, no part of that is exaggerated. And by apathy I mean it in it's most sincere and distinct form. Advancing from that leads to my uncertainty as to whether I could ever "love" someone or be the recipient of such a thing in earnest. 

I'm becoming increasingly impatient with things not important to myself. Perhaps a rise in my own selfishness. I have always aspired to make a great difference in the world; to change it for the betterment of all people. And it's becoming increasingly difficult to deny the apathy of society for it's brethren. Why should I be a martyr for a society that after my death may pay homage to me but will be no better off for my sacrifice. I doubt I could ever have the means of making the mass care about itself as a whole instead of each man for himself and his own. I kind of wish everyone would come out and say it. Just fucking say it. "I will make any other man eat shit for myself to advance." If I ever made a difference with some great deed I doubt it would withstand the onslaught of mediocrity's fury. Nothing seems to amount to much significance in this perspective. The world is just much too big for me now. 

And now I read this and I am filled with disappointment in myself. In my defense though I have tried countless times to help, to offer myself, for someone or some cause. But they always have and seem to inevitably always proceed to deny my assistance. They say, "We the mass do not wish to improve. We are content destroying our time with these devices and even more enthralled with what makes us less invasive on ourselves." My disdain for society in itself has never been more potent. 

Contrary from what you may deduce from my writing I am not suicidal, depressed, or suffer from any other gay shit like this. I have been exposed to the horrors of the modern age and all of its constituents. It has robbed me of all that was once dear to noble men of the past. I cannot continue to convince myself of the importance of my scruples. All the vices hidden under the guise of play or even of familiarity have been tamed in myself but it seems in myself alone. Others share the same strength but they have no conviction in their stance, or at least not enough to continue their dominance of their own mind. 

I know these posts are poor at being coherent or expressing myself. Eventually I may not suck at it.

In other news I got hit on in my study group by some lady. I guess that was kind of flattering. Although, her constantly asking me to talk because she had some weird fetish crush thing for my voice was kind of weird. 

Down, Set, Destroy

Last night was the last Philosophy class before the final exam.  I've never related to anyone this well before. The ideas of Nietzsche, Ortega y Gasset, and Rousseau to name a few. I know it's a bit of a paradox combining such stark nihilists with a  guy like Ortega y Gasset. But their positions on the mass man, the herd man, have been the same things I've always thought since I was a boy.

"When fighting a monster, be careful not to become one yourself. For when you stare long into the abyss, the abyss stares into you."

This quote by Nietzsche (possibly a bit mauled after being recited straight from memory and not text) is referring to the nothingness that surrounds human life. When you are a nihilist and accept that there is nothing with meaning and everything in itself is void of importance it becomes easy to lose your humanity (whatever that means). 

I say this because I believe I am at least some part nihilist. Not as severe as Nietzsche or Hemmingway but at least some part nihilist. 

There is always an aspect of elitism in their works. Such has been my belief since I can remember. When I see people I know I always look at them in terms of potential and what they already are. I assess what they could be and if they are capable of getting there. And if you can believe I never answer these things. I must leave room for the unknown and never assume I know anything of anyone or things of that nature. And that truth is arbitrary contrary to popular belief. AAAAHHHHHHHH I don't even know anymore.

Continued

"By masses, then is not to be understood, solely or maily, 'the working masses.' The mass is the average man. In this way what was mere quantity-the multitude-is converted into a qualitative determination: it becomes the common social quality, man as undifferentiated from other men, but as repeating in himself a generic type."

"there are those who make great demands on themselves, piling up difficulties and duties; and those who demand nothing special of themselves, but for whom to live is to be every moment what they already are, without imposing on themselves any effort towards perfection; mere buoys that float on the waves."

"The characteristic of the hour is that the commonplace mind, knowing itself to be commonplace, has the assurance to proclaim the rights of the commonplace and to impose them wherever it will. As they say in the United States: 'to be different is to be indecent.' The mass crushes beneath it everything that is different, everything that is excellent, individual, qualified and select. Anybody, who is not like everybody, who does not think like everybody, runs the risk of being eliminated. And it is clear, of course, that this 'everybody' is not 'everybody.'  'Everybody' was normally the complex unity of the mass and divergent, specialized minorities. Nowadays, 'everybody' is the mass alone. Here we have the formidable fact of our times, described without any concealment of the brutality of its features."

All these quotes are from "The Revolt of the Masses" by Jose Ortega y Gasset.  I highly recommend you check it out.

And now to the continuation.

As time advances I'm becoming less and less impressed with who or what I am.  There was once a certain amount of pride in being what I was sure no one else was.  

So there was a debate in class about whether high school students (who had the option of working, meaning their family had a steady income) should work.  And all the points were pretty typical but no one else thought of or expressed the importance of the youth. I refuse to believe in this ideal I am unique. I know I'm not alone in being so tired of school and all the damned preparation.  Why can't I just be?  I can teach myself and can adapt to any environment (minus parties) so what's the big deal?  Does no one else notice what's happening?  They are stealing our youth! Among the most precious gifts we will ever hold. And we have been trained to in the upmost support, give it away.  From the time a child is (on average) 5 years old until he/she is about 18 years old they will be in high school.  If they go straight into college, say a 4 year university, they come out somewhere around 22-23.  Now begins the career.  They work and dredge on until they retire.  And depending on the work could be anywhere between 40-65 ish on average. Now what? What is now available to the retired 52 year (taking the middle age) old adult that wasn't when they were a youth? Well the years of working and tending to family and such wore you down to the point where under all other factors but age, show that you are a geriatric. Incapable of impromptu actions or things dynamic in nature.  But at least you got the retirement check.  And it is true that maybe you could be satisfied with this lifestyle and maybe you found true love.  But this is a hollow fulfillment, for the fire in all of us, our inner most animalistic urges, were quelled for that pension check.  You did not embrace or accept the thing most alive within you. You are only satisfied because you have learned to be.

A Decline of Candor

There is a part of me that feels like I need to be remembered on some mass scale.  I feel as if I'm holding all these things from the world and the world doesn't care.  Regardless of the magnitude of what I could bring, this place won't allow it.  What could I contribute that could deter an entire society from itself?  

And you know, when I reflect upon myself like I usually do, very often does my mind wonder on to metacognition.  I see these things in no other person and even worse, I believe that these are as apparent as any other aesthetically distinctive attribute.  Does no one else feel this decline?  I know these thoughts aren't coherent right now I just want to write them down.  I don't ever want to forget these things that now define who I am.  

There will be a continuation on this another time.

Revolt of revolution.

So I haven't been on in a while on account of me not having internet and such.  Just moved to the new diggs with my uncle.  It's not that bad.  We are rarely home at the same time so it works out well.  My grades in class have been getting progressively worse because of my post-concussion syndrome making my brain suck at everything.  So if I fail that's what I'm blaming it on.  I still don't have a car because all things dealing with insurance and douchebags always ends up being suck.  My sister is here with her nephew and it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  My sister is still a pain who made me get my hair cut but otherwise has been surprisingly tolerable.  Better yet almost enjoyable to be around.  Her son on the other hand is another story.  But she wants to throw me a party on account of me turning 20 this Sunday which is something I would be a lot more comfortable without.  

Also, I'm reading "The Revolt of the Masses" by Jose Ortega y Gasset.  And it's awesome.