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"So I tell the whole world that it can kill itself" - The velvet teen

"Is it my fault if this was planned?.. and yes... it was" - The Early November

Those are just some tasty lyrics I've been thinking about.

I started my fall semester this week and so far my classes seem pretty alright.

Speech = Snorefest as nothing that has come from the 2 classes so far proved in any way interesting. However, the teacher is a total babe and that makes the class pretty alright. Oh and we were forced to get to know people and I got partnered with some girl who looked EXACTLY like an ex of mine and I think she thought I was flirting with her or something because the next class she had gotten all dressed and fancied up and proceeded to talk to me again about all kinds of lame things.

Astronomy = Nerdy ass teacher with glasses and long hair in a ponytale and that whole bit. But on the first day of class he was talking about dark matter and dark energy which was pretty epic. Also, he's actually cool and astronomy is crazy interesting so that is my favorite class. And I think I'll look forward to going to it.

Child Development = Surprised me by how interesting it really is. Most everything we are dealing with is psychology which is always awesome to learn about. And also I sit by a large guy with a sick beard and 2 exceptionally fine females. Which is pretty fucking epic.

Biology = haven't gone to that class yet but I'll keep you posted.

So I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Some days I decide to focus on my writing and just go into English and then nights like tonight I decide that music is my true calling and that I should be pursuing that no matter what. I just need to find a wealthy, lonely lady who is at least tolerable and marry her. That way I can just spend my days thinking, writing, and trying to make music like I do right now. Basically a sugar momma.

There's a girl that wants to come visit me. She is pretty and whatnot but she insists that we become boyfriend/girlfriend but I really am not down with that. First off, I'm not trying to start another long distance fiasco. Second, she is not someone who I want to hang with for extended periods of time. Third, who the fuck cares about titles that much? Fucking nuts why can't people just like each other and then be together. All of these crippling formalities brought on by "tradition" and other shitty shit. I like her but I'm not IN LIKE with her. And the whole situation is becoming bizarre because this whole thing was her idea and the whole reason she is doing it is because she wants to do me. But then she tries to use "no sex" as leverage against me to get me to ask her out. You can't use something you want more than me as a bargaining chip for yourself to get me to do something. I think I worded that as confusing as possible. And furthermore, if I said, "No I don't want to date you" she would still come to visit me.

I swear I'm drowning in my mind sometimes.

It's my vestibular system. Had a 5 hour appointment with a neuro-psychologist and he found that the damage from my accident was in my vestibular system. It explains everything perfectly but of course is incurable. And in case you didn't know the vestibular system is just the shit in your inner ear that controls your balance and whatnot.

There is a contingency among these fiends

Martyr and reap the willing.

Endorse magnanimity and praise the skies.

For everything else below us lies.

build-a-ho

So I was asked what I looked for in a girl. But I don't fucking know. It's not like a lady has to fit a mold in order for me to like her. I've liked all kinds of different bitches; it really depends on my particular mood at the time of engagement. The question, "What kind of girls do you go for?" Girls that fit into a generic "type" of girl probably aren't it. So I'm insatiable so what. I'm not trying to get with every girl I see. I don't need their company to tell me I'm a good person or to keep me from being lonely or to tell me I'm attractive. I have my share of self-esteem issues but I don't need other people to reaffirm what I already know. And I know these things through thorough knowledge of myself not from external sources that tell me I'm doing acceptable behavior or contributing admirably to society. Fuck that shit. Honestly it's as simple as this. If I meet a girl that I like and I actually want to keep talking to her and/or being around her then that means she is probably better than every other girl I've ever met and is my "type."

If it had to be categorized into something (I was asked this) I guess it would be this list of shit:

Intelligent - A wide vocabulary and a decent amount of worldly knowledge would suffice

Humor - My jokes are bad and I make a lot of them. But I swear to god some of them are fucking funny. If I make you laugh that's epic. If you can make me laugh then I already love you

Done. If a lady has this shit going on then she probably has everything else going on too. If she's informed about shit then she's probably going to know and feel similar to myself on a lot of criteria and if she doesn't she's smart enough to have educated conversations/debates about things which is also awesome. Also, a girl with this shit isn't going to be a douchebag. No one that is really funny is a douchebag. So it's all is predicated around that I suppose.

Honestly, all I'd want to do is snuggle up and watch Frisky Dingo on Dvd and giggle. Then have intelligent conversations about shit and then goof around and talk about stupid crap. That's all I'd want. What do I need to get with other girls for when they can't give me what I want? I don't want their bodies (well I guess I do to some extent) but that is not nearly enough incentive to feign interest in their incredibly exhausted repertoire of mundane and generic stories. I tell ya these girls I've met are so fucking boringgggggg holy fucking shit. Don't get me wrong I actually kind of like boring but not all of the god damn fucking time. Fuck.

An example of what I can't stand:

How was your day?

ok

How was yours?

same old.

-next day-

How was your day?

ITS THE SAME FUCKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY. FUCK YOUR STUPID SMALL TALK THAT MEANS NOTHING AND WILL ALWAYS MEAN NOTHING. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE DAY IM SURE YOU'LL TELL ME OR I'LL TELL YOU. LKAJSL:KJADS:FKJASLDKJAS:LDJKASDL!!!! Seriously I can't stand this how are you? How was your day? How have you been? It's SOOOOOOOOOOO BORING holy god damn fuck. I hear my dad and my step mom talk like this every day. And I want to fucking puncture myself with pointy shit laying around the house. I think part of the reason me and Tasha didn't work was because I hated it and she liked it and she was incapable of conversation greater than this. SO NO I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU EVERY NIGHT TO HEAR THE SAME THING EVERY NIGHT. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS BY ALL MEANS CALL ME BUT OTHERWISE I CAN GUESS HOW UNEVENTFUL YOUR DAY WAS.

I think people make the mistake about their significant other like this. They find someone they like but not someone they like AND want to like. If that makes sense. It's easy as fuck to like someone. Fuck I like a lot of people... usually until I get to know them. It takes a person worthwhile to make you say "Hot Dog! That lady is interesting!" or man or whatever. There are too many gilded vessels and it's hiding all of the good ones.

I think people just have nothing better to talk about. And I blame fucking MTV. You know we've reached a new low when fucking The Jersey Shore is doing well in ratings. What the fuck could these people possibly talk about when they are trying to keep up with the mother fucking Kardashians. They going to talk about the LHC or dark matter or metaphysics or art? Can they even talk about anything worthwhile? The answer is an overwhelming no for most of my peers. I can convert and learn how to fist pump and listen to the radio and put gel in my hair and where torn up jeans with flip flops. I could do that. I could do that and make a ton of friends and possibly lady friends. I think the bright side in that scenario is I would be too stupid to realize how fucking stupid everyone else was so I'd be down with it. Don't worry 2 remaining people that read this blog I have no intention of doing such a thing.

I'm done ranting for now. Hopefully, my next post will be more entertaining and informative and such.

Alvarez

My good friend called me a few nights back crying. Kate was troubled that a boy she liked moved away and she didn't realize the extent of her feelings until he left and was really upset. Afterwards her first instinct was to call me. It felt awesome to be there for her and to know that I actually was as close to her as she had said I was.

Went to register for my classes today. Talked to a new counselor. I was wearing my Copeland shirt. And we talked about the composer for like 10 minutes and when I left she told me she liked my shirt and it made my day.

My cynicism is rising.

"Understand that the Moon loves the Sun. There was supposed to be dark but the Moon continues the Sun's reach. It isn't until the clouds shun the light that the dark seems to creep. And these things in the heavens can teach us much about ourselves. The innate goodness of the cosmos is always stretching but there are always places of shade. Some men sit under great oaks, others wear sunscreen, most just stay inside. Those that stand naked in her great light unabashed by themselves will find that evil men can make great clouds."

Signature

I was in Alabama for about 3 weeks. It was a bit better than the last time I was there but it's still pretty shitty. I spent the entire time hanging with my best friend Sanders because he's actually a cool dude and also his mom is super fine and loves me. I also hung with my good friend Kate a lot more than I had anticipated I would. It turns out she actually missed me and being able to hang with her was pretty nice.

While I was there I wanted to confront an old ex and try to make amends. When I saw her I helped her cook dinner for her parents who actually still love me.

This is literally what happened.

Mariana: Oh shit my mom is here.

Brian: Is she going to be mad that I'm here?

Mariana: She still loves you.

Brian: haha what? that's so weird.

Mariana: Hey Mom your favorite person is here.

Mom: BRIAN!?! Oh it is you Brian!! OHHH how have you been?

Yeah then she gave me an invitation to come over any time I wanted. Which is kind of a weird thing to give your daughters ex-boyfriend. Anyway after that whole dinner bit her parents went to bed and we ended up having sex. Which was really just a consummation between two lonely people. It didn't mean anything really. But I still felt regret for it because my intentions were much more pure than that. After that it was weird between us again and then she confessed her continued love for me. So naturally I felt like suck for doing it with her and I guess leading her on again. Ultimately, I came there to make amends and it ended up being worse. Although, I did learn an important bit about myself; I don't really need company nor do I really even want it, it's just something that would be nice sometimes. And by company I really mean a girl. I'm at a point now where I feel like I wouldn't ever need a partner.

The other high point of my trip was seeing my step sister. I knew how much she missed me so I made a strong effort to spend a lot of time with her. She has serious emotional control issues where she will just get really upset about the slightest shit or overreact to a bug in the house and it sabotages her whole attitude. She needs someone like me around to help keep her on check so it's cool to be there for her. Also, she is really cool when she wants to be or better yet when she isn't afraid to be. I'm trying to get her over her self-esteem issues and teach her about things like psychology, and philosophy. This of course at the risk of turning her into a cynic as well.

Finally, I'm back in California and my real brother is here. He's pretty annoying but it turns out his dad has been talking to him about all kinds of philosophical shit and he's substantially less retarded. Which is AWESOME. I still have much to teach him in this short period of time but I think he's going to turn into a good kid.

For when the ground shakes and when we move

The whole world stands still to watch our show

And when our lines meet and when we blur

The Earth shrugs at the moon.

I am the end

that justifies your means.

I have an ex that I really enjoyed being with (for the most part). Now I'm wondering why I broke it off. I mean she was crazy as a mug but when she wasn't crazy it was really nice. I don't know, sometimes I really feel like I don't understand myself. Then during those same moments I feel as if I know myself too well and try to convince myself I don't. I don't want to see the things that truly drive me. That shit is really difficult to face. Anyway, I started talking to her again and am trying to offer my hand in friendship. I have a crippling fear of burning bridges that I usually hide by being apathetic. I truly believe I am until I'm mourning those burnt bridges uncontrollably.

I've been talking to a couple of girls lately. Lulu is a girl in my English class who has an awesome sense of humor and there's another girl named Rachel back in Florida who I've known for a while who I just recently started talking to again. Honestly, I think I've gotten to the point where I just want company and don't really care as to where or who it comes from.

I still miss Tasha. It's taking everything in me to not call her. I told her I wouldn't call her again until her birthday which is several months away but it's so hard when I keep coming across shit that reminds me of her. Which is at least 70% of everything.

Bitches.

I knew our conversation would rather be shit or awesome. It was shit. I continue to refrain from hurting her feelings and in exchange she tramples and stomps more furiously over mine.

I bit my tongue incessantly as I let her take the easy route out.

I may sound full of myself right now. But she's going to regret this. I don't want her to, I tried to make it so she wouldn't. But whatever. I made everything way too fucking easy for her. So now she just takes advantage of everything I've done or will do. Fuck. that.

Oh and it was just my birthday. I had a mandatory presentation on the gold standard. There was a bright spot.................. I got a phone number! Some girl in class gave me them digits. How exciting. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. The fact that not a single one of my friends called or texted me kind of stung but I'll get over it. At least my family remembered.

Oh well birthdays are for chumps.

Next up. Reports on the Monetary system and the War in Iraq. Followed by Final exams and more failed job interviews.

5 days and counting

and here you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmw6bduiRJQ

Instead of counting down the days until my birthday. I'm counting down the days until Tasha calls me (which she will on my birthday). All I'm thinking about is how the conversation is going to go. Awkwardness and bitterness or nostalgia and laughs.

I really miss Tasha. And I don't know if I wish I didn't.

I'm actually getting along with my cousins now. For whatever reason they keep trying to hang out with me. It's actually pretty flattering. And to be honest I do kind of enjoy teaching them things about music and helping them learn to play guitar. Their alright.

I need to call an ex. She loved me and I broke her heart (I didn't love her back). It's not really my fault for not loving her but the way we ended was not very good. She's probably forgotten about it but I don't forget about that sort of thing. If I ever hurt someone... it stays with me forever. Especially if they didn't deserve it.

I'm really lame.