Finality

can be such an ugly thing.

We are over. Tasha and I are no longer together. I thought I would be as crushed as I was the last time it happened. But I took it like a champ. I guess I've been preparing myself for this for a while now. I think it's funny how she thinks I'm so gullible after all of this time. I knew she wasn't going to be visiting me next month like she said she would. I knew she didn't believe in me. And I knew she had a thing for some other dude down there. Yet, she tried to convince me of the contrary. I could have made her admit that she was lying but I understood why. She didn't want to hurt my feelings and she wanted to save face. That believing part was the thing that stood out.

Me: I just want to ask; do you believe in me?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Do you believe that I'll succeed in my music?

Her: I don't know I can't see the future.

Me: I know that but do you think I will.

Her: I don't know

Me: I'm going to.

Her: Then you will.

Me: Do you believe that?

Her: I don't know what you're asking.

Me: Don't worry about it. You just made this much easier on me.

Her ineptitude on grasping certain things continues to blow my mind. Also, the fact that she tried to avoid directly answering my questions, including the example above, was something else. She told me she felt like she was changing. I told her she had. Yet when I explained to her some of the changes she tried to establish the fact that her just joining the Navy had nothing to do with it. Come on. Seriously. She isn't the same girl who came to visit me in Alabama, or the girl that came to California. That girl had humour and would say whatever the fuck she wanted. This new girl can't speak her mind and refuses to laugh. I'm in love with who she was and that distorted my judgement on who she was becoming. I tried to keep her from changing. The lure of assimilation > than whatever influence I tried to impose. I willed her to stay a certain way to better herself in her own unique way. She was too busy to respect herself.

I did suffer some damage as a result of this "breakup". Minus the Bear and Copeland, (two bands that I love) will never be the same for me. However, I did gain some shit as a result. I know longer have any obligations toward her or any other girl. Mostly that just means I don't have to fucking talk on the phone everyday (I hate talking on the phone). I know that this girl who once meant so much to me never believed in me. I will never let myself be fooled like that again. And now I have even more incentive to pursue my passion of music.

She once told me I was her best friend and that I knew her better than anyone else. That was only about two months ago. Funny how quickly things can change. I was her "soulmate" but after a couple of months of being away, I lost my luster.

I 'm reading this over and I sound really bitter. I actually thought I would be. It's more of a relief than anything to be honest. She was really dominating a lot of my cognition and so it will be nice to have my brain belonging to me again. There is still a part of me that cares about her but that part of her that I love is dying if it isn't already dead.

Bananajamas

I need to move. At least I think I do. I miscalculated a lot of things when I decided to move here.

I MIGHT BE GOING TO EUROPE THIS SUMMER! If I get a bunch of money somehow. My lawyer is still working out some shit for my settlement. I got a call yesterday about my transcripts from school. Essentially they are trying to show how the accident has effected my grades and use that information as part of the settlement negotiations. Hopefully, this plays little factor because I was on the Dean's list last semester :(. That was only because I took retarded classes here in town that required absolutely no effort. The only thing going for me is the C I got in Statistics. I really hope that because I can coast through school doesn't detract from the fact that the accident I had really fucked me up. Also, I'm hoping the money I get from the settlement is enough to pay for that trip to Europe. AHHH that shit would be so cool.

This guy on TV was a politician for a while and was on some news talk show type deal. He said, "Western Civilization is heading in an unsustainable direction. I'm really worried for it." That's not completely verbatim but almost. Anyway, that dude is right. If you haven't already watch this shit!

zeitgeistmovie.com (two movies on there)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XVnhh6Yqec&feature=related (Alex Jones interviewing Peter Joseph... there are 11 parts all of which provide some interesting information and perspective)

There are a lot of other videos you should check out but I really like these.

Substitute

It's only then do I see that we are destined for failure

Because the shapes that she makes are like pen down to paper

And the lines that she draws are like maps

-This Town Needs Guns

Brilliant.

I got a dog today. I have a lot of negative feelings towards the idea of "pets" in general but I won't get into that. I wanted to name him HungryTed but somehow I was the only one who thought that name was epic. After a lot of debate and name calling we came up with... Smooth Jazz. I KNOW! Sick name. Still not quite as tasty as HungryTed though.

I see the lure

in assimilation. Tasha and I had a "debate" on happiness.

Me: There is a difference between sincere, genuine happiness and the gilded "happiness" that one acquires when they have acquired all the shit that other people say should make them pleased.

Her: How do you know there is a difference?

Me: How can there not be? I don't want to believe that, that weak minded twat is going to be allowed the same level of happiness as someone who has accomplished and has lived a life that they really loved. So I won't believe otherwise.

Her: Do you think you will ever be satisfied?

Me: I don't know... probably... I will.

Her: How do you know?

Me: I won't allow myself to not be.

I know she hates when I talk like this but I can't help it. I wish she wasn't so fucking scared to just tell me shit. I wish she would just say, "Your fucking full of shit this is why you're wrong..." I want to be able to have a conversation that incorporates philosophy, ideas, science, and speculation. I don't think I will ever get that with her. She refuses to change anything. I really don't mean to push her in any given "mental path" but I just want to provide an incentive for her to read up on some shit and use more of her cognition on important shit than on all the tedious things she normally spends it on. I know there is some brilliance in there somewhere, and I intend on bringing that out. She has the potential to be something really fucking special, I really feel it. I think she is afraid of it and I want her not to be. I've been insisting that she reads "The Fountainhead" some other philosophy books, and watch some very thought provoking videos, but again she refuses to do any of these. Our range of conversation is limited. She is quiet in general so it's usually up to me to keep up the conversation (even though I'm quiet too). I don't mind that but I can only make up jokes and small talk for so long. I want to talk about something more interesting and in depth but she refuses to. Unfortunately, she can't.

Another recent conversation

Her: Sometimes people just like things. There doesn't have to be a reason they just like it. There isn't a need to think about it.

Me: (subconsciously I thought "Please tell me you don't really think like this") There is a reason. There is always a reason.

Her: Why? Why can't there be things that people just like?

Me: Maybe that's possible but I seriously doubt it. Think about it. There are two influences in our life nature (our genes) and nurture (our environment). Those two things are the sole reasons for preference and desire. We draw on past experiences to learn from which lead to tendencies. Everything we do is in some way influenced by something. Whether internal or external doesn't make that much of a difference. The real problem or question we should think about to answer almost everything we have just discussed is this: How much of you is you?

Her: All of me is me.

Me: In a literal sense. There is shit that wants you to stay a certain way and wants to make it so fucking appealing to just not think about it. But you have to. You fucking have to. When you don't think about that shit what are you thinking about? Is anything else really worth the time of your thought? Is anything else really worth the effort or energy you invest into it? You can ignore it if you want. I can understand if you choose this route but I can't. I feel like the only things worth your time and thought is the shit you love, and the shit you think about to better understand you. That's it. Everything else is conditioned.

Now keep in mind that these conversations aren't verbatim. However, they are very accurate, and the points made were made in the real thing.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know what it is about her that draws me in. I've never been this close with another girl, although I don't have a ton of experiences in that department. Some days I feel like nothing can stop us and other days I don't know why she even means anything to me. Maybe I'm just fickle. We actually have a lot of the same positions on things, she really doesn't care about material things, or most things in general. Which is awesome. There are other things that we agree on about higher philosophical crap but she hasn't learned about a fraction of the shit I have. Her feelings were innate. I "educated" myself to this point, she reached hers by the strength of her own mind. So, how can she not have bananas potential if she has already innately learned so much about the world without actually trying to learn about the world.

If she is the real deal there are certain things I want to be able to do. I want to be able to have deep conversations, I want to be able to talk about nothing and just be able to fucking goof around. We as of this moment cannot do all of those things.

fusion

Alright, so I hate to talk about it again but I need to address the shit in my prior two posts. Things have gotten better between me and Tasha. There is a whole lot of things going on in my head pertaining to our relationship and I don't want to get into that right now.

Anyway, so as usual there is a bunch of shit going on that I'm not digging. At all. The president OK'd the execution of an American citizen without due process because of suspicion alone. Because of this "terrorist" threat. I really hope that there is some extenuating circumstances that he can't explain because that is just bullshit. On a positive note some republican openly bashed Fox News to a tea party crowd. I thought that was pretty epic.

So on to that good. I fucking hate this entitlement or "equality" shit that people are so sure of. Let get some things fucking straight. All men are not created equal. Let me elaborate. People who are born with a fucking silver spoon are better off than people who aren't. Obviously. People who were birthed with abnormalities or defects are obviously inhibited in ways that most of aren't. Objections to either of these statements? Didn't think so. Now to progress to the idea that all men are just plain equal. Can you really say that a brilliant scientist who makes a historical discovery and an immature overage kid who likes to get fucked up every chance they get are equal? Their opinions do not hold the same merit. So to all the fucking retarded ass twats that think that their opinion has merit because everyone is entitled to an opinion is a fucking retarded ass twat. I say this because for those whose opinions are based off of nothing but personal experience and subjectivism cannot possibly have an opinion as qualified as someone who actually has earned the right to express their opinion on the subject because they have researched it. To clarify, you do not have the right or privilege to proclaim your opinion unless you have inputed the proper preparation into arriving at that opinion. I'm not talking about mundane ordinary shit. I'm talking about important things like globalization, religion, economics, philosophy, etc. Essentially all that statement means, is that salient, ethnical, gender based qualities are in no way an indicator of any given person's prowess at any given subject.

I'm saying this because when I hear someone acting like what they say means fucking anything just because they said it, makes me want to harm an infant (not really but you get it).

http://vimeo.com/10707453

Almost everything else I want to say is better explained in that video. It's long as shit but it's worth it. The whole Zeitgeist movement is pretty splendid. And I'm all down for the Venus Project. If you don't know what either of these things are google Zeitgeist and watch the 2 videos on the main page. Then watch the video on the link above :).

I came up with this line walking home from college:

You walk with your head so high

that you can't see what you crush beneath

I would like to add something. Do people not realize their own inadequacies? Do they not realize that they have amounted and will never amount to anything more than a consumer? For if they did, how could they possibly feel like the shit they spew has any fucking purpose. You do not help the world. You contribute nothing. You do not have the fucking right for fucking anything. Fuck I hate those people. So sure their words are in some way pertinent to the people around them, that they insist and insist on them. I think they genuinely believe that the shit concocted in their head is going to blow the minds of those around them and that those in close proximity should fucking listen and heed whatever was just said. No. You people are fucking meaningless. I'm sorry to say that but it's true. You consume and your epitaph would read for nothing more than "This guy bought a lot of shit." There is no need for that person to exist. They demand, antagonize, and destroy. Contribute nothing, establish nothing, but yet have the audacity to acquire. Tell me in what way can a man react to these people other than shame? You can't change them. I always used to wonder if other people were really alive. Not in a philosophical sense but in the most literal. If they were just there to fill in space and were programmed to do certain things. I had these thoughts since I was in fucking 4th grade. I tried to imitate them. "What would I do if I were one of those people who just kind of are?" I could never figure out what to do. So now the question remains. Are other people really alive or is it some elaborate prank by your brain or maybe something much higher? Taking the more sensible stance that people are indeed alive it becomes even more frightening to think that these people would surely know of their own feebleness and make no effort to change.

When you are that person, you cannot be happy. You have not earned the right. You earn shit in life. If your mind is incapable, or if you sabotage your mind from being capable, then all of those luxuries of the conscientious and the deserving will never find refuge in you.

I said earlier "Any objections... Didn't think so", those two brief statements I really hate hearing and I hate even more to say them. But it was the only way I could explain what I wanted to say without rewriting the rest of the paragraph. So I said "fuck it."