Formal Glutton

I hate to sound like a dick but... overly religious people need to just combine and form some kind of cult in which they all have to believe ridiculous bullshit and do incredibly retarded things to stay in their god's good graces.  OH WAIT.  

I was thinking about writing something dealing with comets, Nike's, and poison punch but I decided it would be better not to.

I'm so fucking tired of seeing and hearing these religious fanatics talking about their love of Jesus.  Oh Jesus you are so loving, you are the cause of my everything.  I think I should go out and be a pompous asshole to everyone because, although it didn't seem cool before, I gotta admit, it looks like a good time now.  Seriously chill the fuck out.  Stop making stupid analogies, stupid quasi-scientific claims, and bumper stickers.  Thank you.  I know I sound like I'm bitter or some shit but really if I have to read another person's profile stating that "through Jesus anything is possible" or "God is always with you" I'm going to fucking explode.  If you love your religion that's fine.  But don't profess it to me and try to tell how to live my life.  Also, stop acting like you know something now.  No one knows anything that's worth a shit so get over it and stop acting condescending towards everyone else because your god tells you that you are superior.  k.  

Aphelion

I fucking missed my Statistics class AGAIN.  My phone is the shittiest alarm clock ever.  We have an exam next week that might have gotten moved to this week on account of next week being a holiday and the following week being spring break.  L;AKSJDFLSAKJDFLKSADJF.

There are, by my  observation, two possible ways to interpret love.  One being the common, grandiose definition in which it says that love is this omnipotent and benign type of thing that is capable of all our salvation and also happens to be the most direct route to the elusive happiness. In other words a compilation of things generally associated with the divine. Perhaps.  But it is in my estimation that there is another kind of love or maybe it is the love that we always hear about but it's interpretation becomes increasingly misconstrued through all the vessels it travels through.  When someone says something like, "I will always love you."  There is a part that is innately implied that we don't realize.   I have grown fond of the belief that love isn't this eternal, majestic kind of thing but it's a temporary, potent, and overbearing kind of sensation.  In certain moments, which I believe myself to be whole or happy, I can say that I love.  Now, being with someone you cherish, whether they are your best friend, soul mate, or lover you will undoubtedly share things that you will also love. But to be balanced, there are also the kinds of moments in which you loathe the essence of many things that you would ordinarily hold in high regard.  Love is fleeting.  Now say you are with your dearest counterpart and you say to him/her, "I love you."  This kind of statement has innumerable possible outcomes.  In the moment you said those words you may have meant it. However, your other (in that moment) didn't reciprocate that same feeling.  Disastrous. But it is possible in so many other moments the feeling was mutual.  So, the inferred part of such occasions is in that moment they love you.  Albeit sincere and persuasive there are so many other times in which you may not mean it.  When someone attaches the word "forever" or "always" they insist that in every moment this will be true.  This brings conflict.  Say there is a rough spot in a relationship and this love is this kind of slicked rabbit that even when you manage to grasp it, it escapes leaving behind only the grimy residue.  To catch the hare is impossible by the means we have and so it seems to be perfectly justifiable to give up.  Thus, simply, we do.  Because if there is an easier way, without the burden of blame, we rarely seem to hesitate.   

It is because this love is so fickle and becomes disinterested so quickly it is praised to the highest in attempts to try to entice this thing to take refuge in yourself and what you hold to the highest.

You might ask what about moments or other things that don't involve particulars like people. To me this kind of love follows the same path as the prior.  However, because these things are often well maintained and persistent in their sameness it is, I believe, possible to in practically every moment, to love what it represents.  For all that we love and hold dear is a replicate of what we desire the most.  We are animals.  We are selfish.  We are human.

Now I myself have never been in love (that I know of).  However, I consider myself a keen observer of human nature.  I can objectively ascertain most of my faults, my motives, and my emotions enabling me to, as honestly as our nature permits, project these kinds of cognitive properties on most people.  Although, I leave this argument open just in case the more venerable type of love was to make itself known to me.  

Into the wide.

I wish I could express these things in my head in these words.  I can't seem to determine the value of anything anymore.  What these priorities are and what keeps me from doing them in their proper order.  I claim indifference and apathy but something is holding me back.  I'm nervous.  I can't meet your eyes with my own because I fear that in them you will find something that I wish to keep hidden.  I don't believe I can refrain from these things that inhibit what I am.  But I cannot say I am that sure of what being entails anymore.  I know I sound depressed and masochistic and things of that nature but the truth is I am a fraud even in this sense.  It's more of a disregard for my own well being.  Am I that naive to believe that those of us who aren't really troubled with at least some mutilation of the mind are few in numbers?  Or am I even more gullible to believe that we are a great many?  Who is this antagonist?  Everyone, the many, us, why can't we be courageous?  Self-interest is our only interest it seems.  And the only thing that seems to be apparent is our indifference.  

And that is where this plot thickens.  Like a fault in a lovers heart in which you've become lost. The one side you wish to be, is secluded from the outside like a princess in a castle in some fairy tale. As you reach and climb and pull and stretch you make ground but too much and too soon.  And you, like a coward pleading for his life, cling to where you are so you may not lose more ground.  So you slide back further and further and now you're on the other side. The crevice is now widening and this abyss that has formed beckons you to try and tame it.  It coaxes you, saying,  "Conquer me and you may have your prize!" And though you know that this feat on which you are inevitably going to embark is beyond your capacity you continue.  In this endeavor you are lost.  So subsequently, in future quests of this type you will naturally follow a similar pattern and it's this pattern that becomes our complacency.  You are content.  Not happy and alone, now pleased with that which truthfully holds no value in your heart.  When you sit and reflect upon these things you will remember that failed conquest and you may weep.  In time though, you will be bland again.  Like when you held no opinions or convictions because you failed to find the meaning in things.  No longer troubled.  There is no fire to burn at your mediocrity and for this you are thankful.

Neglect.  For ourselves and for each other.  We have given too much and too little praise to this Love.  We just utter the words so commonly and blindly it was as if saying or better meaning, this sensation was something of little magnitude in ourselves or in the thing receiving this.  What a tragedy we make ourselves out to be!  The love and its recipient will go their own ways and you may look with envy upon those who have not yet experienced this departure.  You cry, "Pity me!  Look, see that I have no longer anything to love!  Who can help fill the void in me that I have not yet filled with all my other necessities?!  Get me there and name your reward." How grand it must be to triumph over such a thing with no effort of your own.  Hmm, but how much greater by your own doing?  And in that respect how much more difficult? Can we really claim sincerity about these things?  Or would we learn to be enthralled by that which others have deemed to us as significant?  

Fuck fear. Fuck regret. Let's try and salvage what's left of us. 

Sometimes.

Well I hope you're pleased with yourself.  I don't know what the fuck I did but if you feel it's worth burning whatever kind of bridge there was then fine.  If only you fucking knew.  Not that it would change anything but possibly establish some guilt or regret.  Because to be frank, I never wish ill fortune on anyone but I think for you I'll make an exception.  Yeah fuck you again.

Anyway, I got an A- on my Philosophy exam!  And during the break in class I almost cried.  Not because of the grade or anything gay like that.  But because I was listening to some songs on the ipod and Goddamn that shit was hitting me hard.  Fucking Dialect is amazing, "Dead Animal Hymn" gives me chills every time.  And something even better than that?  I learned something in there that day.  People aren't usually courageous and the like because they are courageous itself but because of the opposite.  Fear.  Now I wonder how abundant are these paradoxes in human psyche?  In life? I would say as bountiful as the universe seems endless.  

I wanted to write a poem/song thing that I've been working on but I can't seem to agree on the words.  

I think I'll do what I want.

Thanks.  I kind of feel like a badass right now.  I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone and I'm wearing my sleeveless Minus the Bear shirt that's totally showing off the guns.  Or would be if I wasn't wearing my hoodie.  

I had my first Philosophy exam Wednesday and I think I did pretty solid on that.  I don't know if I did enough analyzing but I regurgitated enough of the dialogue to at least get a B or something.  

There were a lot of laughs shared tonight.  My uncle and his friend were drinking and acting stupid.  So I decided to hang for a bit.  Well, we were watching something retarded on the TV and Eric my uncle's friend wouldn't shut the fuck up.  He kept cracking the most awful jokes then follow them with hysterical laughter causing me and my uncle to join.  Then we were watching some boxing match and we made bets on the winner and the round.

Uncle Carlos:  I'm picking the guy in the white shorts though

Eric:  You're going to lose friend

Carlos:  NO!  You see all those muscles on the other guy?  Yeah if he doesn't knock out my guy in the first couple of rounds it's over.  He's got all those muscles and he's going to get tired.  All those muscles require too much oxygen.  He's going to lose.  Watch.

Me:  You realize that these guys are pretty much the exact same size and weight.  One just has more muscle definition.

Carlos: No, that's biology 101

Me:  hahaha what the fuck are you talking about

Eric:  Hold on!  There's a cut over that guy's eye!  All the oxygen is escaping!  He's got all that oxygen.  We can probably chop down all the trees because there is so much of it.

So my and Eric's guy won and when we asked for our loot...

Eric:  Where's our money?!  Pay up

Carlos:  You throw down 2 dollars when I required a c note AT LEAST to even consider.

Me:  It was actually 3 dollars and that's all the money I had.

Carlos:  You can't throw down peanuts and want a steak!

Me:  hahaha What the fuck?

Carlos:  That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight

Eric:  Brother you're not making any sense

Carlos:  NO!  You fuckers try to throw down two dollars.  Fucking throwing down peanuts and trying to get a coconut.

Me: ahahahahahaha

Carlos:  I mean I don't even care if they are boiled or salted or whatever.

Eric:  Compa (spanish slang, kind of like dude) I think you need some of that oxygen that guy was leaking out

Carlos:  YOU guys bet 2 measly dollars.  It's like bringing pennies to a gun fight.  I'm not paying you shit.  

I laughed pretty hard at the fucking stupid that my uncle and his friend bring.  Oh man.  That was the hardest I've laughed in a really long time.  

In other news my guitar teacher pretty much wants my wang.  It's pretty obvious that I'm one of the only ones who practice or try.  So now I'll probably have to go around the class with him and try to show people how to play.  Which I don't even really mind.  There are a lot of old peeps in the class who remind me of my uncles and then the other peeps around my age all seem not terrible.  I'm actually considering talking to this girl in the class who's a pretty good piano player/singer about some band prospects.  

I'm missing someone but I trust them.  That's all I need.  Or will be.

I can't

help but feel a little betrayed.  I suppose you really are the bitch you make yourself out to be. Although I didn't want to believe it, you've managed to persuade me.  Next time don't insult me with mock empathy just to be polite.  So basically.... fuck you.

So we got our first exams back from Statistics.  I was kind of worried about how I did but I pulled out a 93 so that's pretty awesome.  I glanced over at Vianca's paper  and saw nothing but red lines and question marks.  The teacher didn't even know what the fuck she was doing.  I couldn't help but laugh a little.  

So now she's going to drop.  Which is terrible news for my gas money fund.  

I'm not brain dead,

I'm just shy.  

I'm really bummed out right now.  And since I have nothing but terrible fortune I have a fuck ton of work to get done as well.  

I think I'm going to try to take a short nap, then stay up all night eating soup, figuring out this Statistics crap, and trying to finish writing all this musical notation shit.

God dammit I'm fucking amazing at severing ties.  

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Drown me if you can

I don't know what to write anymore.  There's too much small talk.  Too little meaning.  And even less sincerity.  Why is it so hard to trust someone?  Are you afraid?  Are you ashamed to tell the truth about yourself?  And there goes time.  Don't you know you can lay into me?  With anything, with everything?  I can understand I guess.  Even piety can be consumed in fear.  But why? Imagine all the faces you've ever seen.  Of those how many can you really discern?  And what of those do you actually care for?  Please just break me.  Just fucking break me in already.  Who am I kidding?  Everyone knows I'm way too stubborn to give up.  Oh, the attrition on my mind.  If only you could see it.  Feeling just doesn't have the same effect anymore.  

Aristotle was a lot more happening than Plato.  He kept that shit real and was all like man fucking reality is everything that is around you.  Kind of an Atomist.  Where as Plato was into this whole theoretical, abstract, and convoluted interpretation of reality.  Aristotle was saying that God was in us.  Our capacity to think, and our intellect, was actually God.  Fucking brilliant.  Seems incredibly logical and plausible.  Everyone has their own interpretation of God, even atheists, so it only seems rational that this is a dogma in its self.  Or something.

Right now all I want to listen to is Explosions in the Sky.  Every song holds so many truths. Gives such a benign serenity even in the midst of certain calamity.  I'm starting to get that warm, blood rushing sensation again.  If it's heat could just wrap me up in its cocoon of tranquility.  Oh man, I'd be fucking set. 

I fear that we are burning

The false pretenses that held us close

But I'm too much of a coward

To say such words

And though you are all that I sing

And though we were still warm

Your silence is strangling my thoughts

You are not the everything I could have sworn.

I need something.