Ode we will bury ourselves

So yesterday was Christmas and my Mother's birthday.  I've always hated christmas.  WTF is with people paying money to put useless shit on their houses and under their trees?  Another thing WTF is with trees?  Honestly I find "holiday cheer" obnoxious.  How are you going to be a total douche nozzle everyday and then around Christmas decide to be kind?  Actually I've realized it's more of an obligation to purchase shit for people rather than it being out of genuine generosity.  So scratch that kind statement.  It's been ingrained into our minds to think and behave like this.  Makes me wonder how much shit is still being thought and played out for me.  How many choices are really mine?  Anyway I was the only one to go visit my Mother.  I know the weather was shitty but it was her birthday.  I almost wept.  I miss her.  And it seems like everyone else has moved on.  I won't.  I swear it.

That night my uncle was drunk.  SURPRISE!  He decided it would be a good idea to barge into my room and sit uncomfortably close to me.  So after about 5 minutes or so of extreme awkwardness he finally spoke.  

Uncle:  Did you talk to your brother and sister today?

Me:  Yes.

Uncle:  Did you call them or they call you?

Me:  They called me.

Uncle:  You are shit.  Seriously, you are shit.  Why couldn't you call them?

Me:  I was busy being shit.

And this eventually branched into a one sided discussion of why I'm fucked up and whatnot.  It's hard listening to "advice" from your 40 year old uncle who still lives with his parents and gets drunk every single night because he is lonely.  He reminded me that he is paying for my college.  But I didn't remind him that he only payed for 2 books.  I didn't remind him of his original offer.  Or that we should be living somewhere else entirely.  

I wanted to be angry at him but I couldn't.  I wanted to remind him that he didn't visit his sister on her birthday but I didn't.  I wanted to say everything.  FUCKNUTS.  I choose to save my breathe.  My heart and lungs work hard enough as it is.    

3 Days until I fly out to Alabama for some time.  I'm so fucking excited.  AGHHGHGHGHGHGGHGH

  

baboon.

So there's this girl who I used to date a long time ago.  She screwed me over then broke up with me.  I have a hard time holding grudges or caring about shit so whenever her future male relations fell apart I let her crawl back.  Countless times.  It's so strange.  I didn't even like her at first.  I was forced to go out with her by a mutual friend who was seriously going to inflict major bodily harm to me unless I asked her out.  I can't even remember at what point I really started liking her.  There was never a "Eureka!".  Anyway, she called me up the other day and it begins again.  She wants to pick me up from the airport when I fly back in and "hang-out".  I was pumped to hear from her again but I didn't really feel anything?  I wonder if I'm just truly incapable of emotion or if I just haven't found "the one".  

Yesterday my uncle bought a shit ton of Taco Bell.  His kids had the most ridiculously portioned meals.  I couldn't even eat that much.  They started talking about how much food it was and everyone laughed along.  HAHAHAHA look how much we can consume.  Isn't it hilarious?!  Perhaps even more repulsive was my uncle telling his children to finish everything.  Are you fucking kidding?  Glutton really fucking bothers me.  I'M SO FULL.  LOOK AT ALL THIS FOOD I ATE.  IS THERE DESSERT?!  It's sickening.  There was a thing on TV that I heard the other day.  It said "If you can finish the sandwich we didn't do something right".  So it's not enough to eat to sustain yourself, you have to eat until you've gorged yourself straight into a coma.  Got it.

I should be writing a 5 page paper on the San Andreas Fault which is due tomorrow.  And studying for at least one of the 3 finals I have on Thursday.  But I'm not.  Fuck.

Great Googly Moogly Cont.

This blog is a bit excessive in length so I've decided to split it up.

I've noticed that this past week I've had a rather excessive amount of road rage.  I never get angry.  I generally see hostility as a waste of energy.  If it's just pent up aggression why would it come out now in this fashion?  But I suppose it makes some sense in this situation because the aggression is automatic and it isn't until I realize I'm being a doucher that I can stop myself.

I've had some ideas about things and been thinking about some other things more so than usual. 

If at any point in your life, you truly believe you are making the right choice.  you are.

If at any point in your life, you truly believe you are good.  you are.

And if at any point in your life, you did what you felt was right.  it was.

Fuck regret.

It's been a while since the onset of time.  Every single one of your ancestors survived.  Everyone successfully looked after and passed on to your life.  What are the chances of that like?

These walls were really never there.

You are never nothing if you didn't disappear.

I came with nothing.  And I will leave with nothing.  Everything else is just borrowed.

This has reminded me of a tattoo I've been wanting to get for a while 

something like that.

In an unrelated story I wonder why people avoid drinking water.  

There was a lot more shit I wanted to say or mention and whatnot but I've forgotten.

Great Googly Moogly

So I went to a show yesterday and it was pretty fucking bodacious.  I asked my cousin if he wanted to come and he declined the offer and apologized for not being able to come.  I really thought about the reason for an apology.  If anything I should apologize to him for choosing fucking basketball practice over seeing a glorious show.  Anyway, I was tripping balls when I arrived to San Luis Obispo(town of the show's location), I couldn't find my way around.  The directions were way fucking off.  I ended up driving past this same drunken frat party like 5 times.  I finally found the place with 10 minutes to spare only to find out the show was postponed an hour for no reason.  I managed to waste enough time so that when I returned to the show spot I was at the ass of a terribly long line.   

While there I came into contact with these 3 dudes.  I was pretty certain, one of the dudes, Tyler, was a total doucher for the simple fact that he wore a The Fall Of Troy shirt to a "The Fall of Troy" show.  The other 2 names escape me but one had a shitty beard and nappy ass hair and only spoke to insult his friends.  The other the "ginger" was kind of the odd man out.  He kept trying to be as witty as his cohorts but everything he said made him sound like a total fuckturd.  Tyler asked me if I was here to see Number 12 or Fall of Troy.  When I responded with God Is An Astronaut he and his bro friends were totally stunned.  I was even more stunned when I realized that no one fucking else came to see GIAA.  Although that seems awful, Tyler turned out to be a pretty ok dude.

First band: Warship - The lead singer sounds like the dude from FATA.

Second Band: The Number 12 Looks Like You - I was very impressed with the cleanness and technicality of the guitar work.  In between some songs some shit out of a movie happened.  He asked the crowd if any dude has yet to kiss a girl.  They pointed out every dude including myself until finally they just chose this fellow in the front who they didn't believe had kissed a girl.  They pulled up some random girl.  Said on the count of 3 you have to kiss.  Well when the band turned away from the girl she left the stage. LOL.  "HAHA dude you just got bailed on."  Well they pulled another lady from the crowd.  On the count of 3 you have to kiss.  On 3 they began to kiss and that proceeded into a straight make-out sesh while the band played a metal ass song about conquering vag.

Third Band: God Is An Astronaut - I made my way to the front for this one.  In case you didn't know GIAA is a trio of old Irish dudes with excessively pale skin and poor posture.  I heard these scene kids ask each other "Is there even any screaming in it?".  HAHAHAHAHA.  I was the only person getting into it that I could notice.  I could feel all the eyes on me as I was enjoying myself.  All the while the poor bodies to whom those eyes had grown attached to stood oblivious to the genius before them.  GIAA was so fucking spot on everything played to the most miniscule fucking tee.  It was absolutely glorious.  During their third song these fucking piece of shit mother fucking fucks decided it would be cool to hardcore dance.  Fucking really?  If GIAA hadn't kept me so calm I seriously would have danced with those fucks.  And by dance I mean hit the shit out of them until they stop being faggots.  

Fourth Band:  The Fall Of Troy - I was excited to see how Tom played guitar live.  He is pretty much an OK guitarist as far as professionals go.  The crowd was way more into it than they should have been.  It was fucking sloppy as shit but yet they all still go crazy.  Some of these people, like the scenester girl standing in front of me, have probably never heard more than a couple of songs by them.  Totally unaware of any rythm or tempo changes yet claimed to love all their music from the very first album.  You know the type.  Well during the show I got to tap the guitar for Tom which was pretty sick.  I also elbowed the fuck out of this fuckhead beside me who thought it was ok/cool to have his arm/elbow in my fucking face at all times. It was in retaliation that I continuously elbowed him and then lifted my arm to his and totally raped him at arm war.  I also lost my jacket.

Post Show:  After the show I talked with the guitarist from GIAA.  He is a cool fucking dude.  I talked to him for like 20 minutes about the show.  He was telling me how it was hard for them to get gigs in the states and it sucks playing at a lot of shows because no one knows their music here.  He also mentioned that he noticed how I was the only one he could see really into the music.  So we bullshitted a while about their song selection and their future shows and whatnot.  Was pretty much the shit.  

When I was driving home I noticed that I was driving.  Yeah.  Any person at any point during a drive knows they are driving but aren't necessarily aware.  I suppose it's just some metacognition of sorts at work.  It only happens at night.  I notice that I'm in a car and that I'm driving that car.  I notice there is so much more space around me than my seat, then I realize... this vessel is totally subservient to my will.  

And as I drive I count the lines and the lights.  Nothing numerical.  I only try to honor their existence.  And this makes me suspended in the memory of the present.  And I am complete.  It's at this point that I realize that I am content with being alone.  For at least that moment.  As I look to my right I am surprised to see no one there.  I am very much alone.  It's only an illusion.  My mind really does have good intentions.  What is so wrong with living in fantasy?    I wish I was wiser.  I want to know why I contradict myself.  I need to know why I sometimes have the audacity to feel whole when there is a rather blatant, gaping deficiency in my existence.  

When I arrived home my ears were ringing like they always do after a show.  This must be how the blind hear.  Nothing was out of range.  My brain had no say.  Resonance had found it's place in the orifices behind what was discernible of my face.  My ears dissected everything and screamed of atrocities but allowed me the privilege to perceive the most delicate nuances of sound.  For that single luxury I would surrender everything.

Continued...