Building Steam

My music is apparently depressing. I never really realized the sadness in nature of a lot of the music I listen to until I play it around someone else. I don't hear the sorrow and such I suppose. To me it's beautiful. It's a reverberation of life itself. A rallying cry for the humanity in all of us. I'm actually lifted up when I listen to my "sad" music. I wonder how strange that is. That music like this makes me happy. Or if it is even strange at all.

The best music is the shit that we can hold an image of in our minds and just be glad for it to exist. Because that delicious tune harmonized with who you are/were. You feel your soul sync to the artist. Maybe, not the artist specifically or even the song but perhaps what it represents. The feeling that in any moment you were not alone. God wasn't with you, or your passed loved ones, or whatever else you may believe in. But everything that ever was smiles upon you. Everything that has ever happened was built up for that moment when you listened and understood. You are you. I loved driving late at night in the rain for this very reason. Everything seems so clear. You are entirely aware of where you are, in that car, passing through time itself and it feels as if the blood you now feel coursing is composed of something warm and good. You can't help but smile. You know you will forget later on but for this instant you have shed your mortality. The magic of feeling yourself as yourself. This is the majesty of music.

I take back what I said about my speech class. It. Fucking. Blows. Harder. Than. Everything. That. Has. Ever. Blown. I really cannot begin to express my disappointment in having that class. I'm trying my best to try and like it but I've already given up. I am but a man.

I'm having a tremendous amount of anxiety about calling Tasha. Her birthday is a few days and I promised to call. Fuck.

My biology class is pretty awesome it turns out. Everyone in there is dumb as fuck which is lame as shit but I'm kind of used to it by now. Also, me and the teacher get along really well so thats pretty neat. Plus, I think this chick I got partnered with thought I was flirting with her or something because she totally gave me her digits.

Astronomy is fucking amazing. Take that class.

Child Development is still pretty interesting.

I'm getting better at being me.

Paperback

"So I tell the whole world that it can kill itself" - The velvet teen

"Is it my fault if this was planned?.. and yes... it was" - The Early November

Those are just some tasty lyrics I've been thinking about.

I started my fall semester this week and so far my classes seem pretty alright.

Speech = Snorefest as nothing that has come from the 2 classes so far proved in any way interesting. However, the teacher is a total babe and that makes the class pretty alright. Oh and we were forced to get to know people and I got partnered with some girl who looked EXACTLY like an ex of mine and I think she thought I was flirting with her or something because the next class she had gotten all dressed and fancied up and proceeded to talk to me again about all kinds of lame things.

Astronomy = Nerdy ass teacher with glasses and long hair in a ponytale and that whole bit. But on the first day of class he was talking about dark matter and dark energy which was pretty epic. Also, he's actually cool and astronomy is crazy interesting so that is my favorite class. And I think I'll look forward to going to it.

Child Development = Surprised me by how interesting it really is. Most everything we are dealing with is psychology which is always awesome to learn about. And also I sit by a large guy with a sick beard and 2 exceptionally fine females. Which is pretty fucking epic.

Biology = haven't gone to that class yet but I'll keep you posted.

So I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Some days I decide to focus on my writing and just go into English and then nights like tonight I decide that music is my true calling and that I should be pursuing that no matter what. I just need to find a wealthy, lonely lady who is at least tolerable and marry her. That way I can just spend my days thinking, writing, and trying to make music like I do right now. Basically a sugar momma.

There's a girl that wants to come visit me. She is pretty and whatnot but she insists that we become boyfriend/girlfriend but I really am not down with that. First off, I'm not trying to start another long distance fiasco. Second, she is not someone who I want to hang with for extended periods of time. Third, who the fuck cares about titles that much? Fucking nuts why can't people just like each other and then be together. All of these crippling formalities brought on by "tradition" and other shitty shit. I like her but I'm not IN LIKE with her. And the whole situation is becoming bizarre because this whole thing was her idea and the whole reason she is doing it is because she wants to do me. But then she tries to use "no sex" as leverage against me to get me to ask her out. You can't use something you want more than me as a bargaining chip for yourself to get me to do something. I think I worded that as confusing as possible. And furthermore, if I said, "No I don't want to date you" she would still come to visit me.

I swear I'm drowning in my mind sometimes.

It's my vestibular system. Had a 5 hour appointment with a neuro-psychologist and he found that the damage from my accident was in my vestibular system. It explains everything perfectly but of course is incurable. And in case you didn't know the vestibular system is just the shit in your inner ear that controls your balance and whatnot.

There is a contingency among these fiends

Martyr and reap the willing.

Endorse magnanimity and praise the skies.

For everything else below us lies.

build-a-ho

So I was asked what I looked for in a girl. But I don't fucking know. It's not like a lady has to fit a mold in order for me to like her. I've liked all kinds of different bitches; it really depends on my particular mood at the time of engagement. The question, "What kind of girls do you go for?" Girls that fit into a generic "type" of girl probably aren't it. So I'm insatiable so what. I'm not trying to get with every girl I see. I don't need their company to tell me I'm a good person or to keep me from being lonely or to tell me I'm attractive. I have my share of self-esteem issues but I don't need other people to reaffirm what I already know. And I know these things through thorough knowledge of myself not from external sources that tell me I'm doing acceptable behavior or contributing admirably to society. Fuck that shit. Honestly it's as simple as this. If I meet a girl that I like and I actually want to keep talking to her and/or being around her then that means she is probably better than every other girl I've ever met and is my "type."

If it had to be categorized into something (I was asked this) I guess it would be this list of shit:

Intelligent - A wide vocabulary and a decent amount of worldly knowledge would suffice

Humor - My jokes are bad and I make a lot of them. But I swear to god some of them are fucking funny. If I make you laugh that's epic. If you can make me laugh then I already love you

Done. If a lady has this shit going on then she probably has everything else going on too. If she's informed about shit then she's probably going to know and feel similar to myself on a lot of criteria and if she doesn't she's smart enough to have educated conversations/debates about things which is also awesome. Also, a girl with this shit isn't going to be a douchebag. No one that is really funny is a douchebag. So it's all is predicated around that I suppose.

Honestly, all I'd want to do is snuggle up and watch Frisky Dingo on Dvd and giggle. Then have intelligent conversations about shit and then goof around and talk about stupid crap. That's all I'd want. What do I need to get with other girls for when they can't give me what I want? I don't want their bodies (well I guess I do to some extent) but that is not nearly enough incentive to feign interest in their incredibly exhausted repertoire of mundane and generic stories. I tell ya these girls I've met are so fucking boringgggggg holy fucking shit. Don't get me wrong I actually kind of like boring but not all of the god damn fucking time. Fuck.

An example of what I can't stand:

How was your day?

ok

How was yours?

same old.

-next day-

How was your day?

ITS THE SAME FUCKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY. FUCK YOUR STUPID SMALL TALK THAT MEANS NOTHING AND WILL ALWAYS MEAN NOTHING. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE DAY IM SURE YOU'LL TELL ME OR I'LL TELL YOU. LKAJSL:KJADS:FKJASLDKJAS:LDJKASDL!!!! Seriously I can't stand this how are you? How was your day? How have you been? It's SOOOOOOOOOOO BORING holy god damn fuck. I hear my dad and my step mom talk like this every day. And I want to fucking puncture myself with pointy shit laying around the house. I think part of the reason me and Tasha didn't work was because I hated it and she liked it and she was incapable of conversation greater than this. SO NO I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU EVERY NIGHT TO HEAR THE SAME THING EVERY NIGHT. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS BY ALL MEANS CALL ME BUT OTHERWISE I CAN GUESS HOW UNEVENTFUL YOUR DAY WAS.

I think people make the mistake about their significant other like this. They find someone they like but not someone they like AND want to like. If that makes sense. It's easy as fuck to like someone. Fuck I like a lot of people... usually until I get to know them. It takes a person worthwhile to make you say "Hot Dog! That lady is interesting!" or man or whatever. There are too many gilded vessels and it's hiding all of the good ones.

I think people just have nothing better to talk about. And I blame fucking MTV. You know we've reached a new low when fucking The Jersey Shore is doing well in ratings. What the fuck could these people possibly talk about when they are trying to keep up with the mother fucking Kardashians. They going to talk about the LHC or dark matter or metaphysics or art? Can they even talk about anything worthwhile? The answer is an overwhelming no for most of my peers. I can convert and learn how to fist pump and listen to the radio and put gel in my hair and where torn up jeans with flip flops. I could do that. I could do that and make a ton of friends and possibly lady friends. I think the bright side in that scenario is I would be too stupid to realize how fucking stupid everyone else was so I'd be down with it. Don't worry 2 remaining people that read this blog I have no intention of doing such a thing.

I'm done ranting for now. Hopefully, my next post will be more entertaining and informative and such.