So my English teacher decided I was "too talented" to write my final research paper about the topic I chose (I picked gay marriage). Then throughout the rest of the class singled me out for not trying during the course of the year. Sorry. When my fellow students can barely read and make equivalent grades on essay assignments I find very little incentive to try. And yes, there are many students who cannot read above a 7th grade level. I'm not even exaggerating. They are sounding out any 3+ syllable word because their usual 12 word vernacular doesn't contain any such 3+ syllable words. IF YOU ARE IN COLLEGE AND THE TEACHER IS STILL HELPING YOU SOUND OUT WORDS THEN WTF ARE YOU DOING IN COLLEGE? AND WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED TO FUCKING READ? The fact that we are in the same class bothers me. Most of them put forth an earnest effort and I do appreciate the effort. I really do. But am I supposed to bust my ass to get an 'A' or can I do as I already do, fucking what I have to and get an 'A' anyway? Especially when the guy next to me writing about Bob fucking Marley gets a better grade than me and some lady who can't read gets the equivalent grade? I think the answer is obvious. If I'm going to really fucking try there should be a reason for me to. The whole system has encouraged memorization instead of practical application and the results are college students who can barely read.
This statement by Mr. Emerson continues to reverberate, "School is the place where gems are dimmed and stones are polished." I don't think myself as an elitist although much of what I say and do could be categorized as such. I don't look down upon my peers unless they give me a reason to do so. My perception is anything but innate. If a person is stupid, or something of the like, why the fuck should I look at that person as my equal? Not to say, I think of myself as an intellectual but how did that person earn enough respect from me to make me look at them as I would myself? They haven't earned it so they won't get it. I don't believe anyone can sincerely think otherwise and the people who claim to, are just being politically correct or are lying to themselves. If a person is dumb as fuck, shouldn't they know it? And if so, why the fuck haven't they tried to learn shit? Because it's cool to be a fucking moron. There are obviously other reasons but this one seems to be the most prevalent. What incentive is there in becoming less retarded if the masses look down on those who excel. The answer is obvious, (it's for you, this life is yours and you should learn about the world surrounding it) but the mass doesn't care about it so they don't. Fucking drones. There is no place in my heart or mind for such machines. On the other hand, if they don't know they are dumb then they are probably on a whole other level of fucking stupid that I'm not even going to bother writing about.
I felt regret and shame. I made her fall in love with me when I pretty much knew I wouldn't ever love her back. However, there was some part of me that did care. That consideration and my regret made me convince myself I loved her back. I set myself up for failure as a punishment for the hurt that I would inevitably cause her. It was the only way to balance the equation. She didn't deserve the pain I was going to (unintentionally) give her, so I did what I could to brunt the blow. In this case, take all of it. I can be such a fucking masochist sometimes. Looking back this whole ordeal was a fucking waste of time. She was in many ways a waste of time. I don't have any regrets though. I learned a lot about myself and that's the kind of shit that stays with you forever.
I'll be 21 in about 2 weeks. And I have no intention of getting, "smashed", "drunk", or anything of the sort. That rather makes me the coolest or lamest 20 going on 21 year old in history. Or maybe just a guy that doesn't drink. IDK
