are these words our eulogy

I'm becoming increasingly comfortable being alone.  Well, not just being alone but acknowledging future solitude and having no sincere concerns about my total isolation.  I don't even miss my friends right now.  Although, it would be nice to cuddle up with some cool chick and watch "Frisky Dingo Season 2" on DVD.  

As I'm sitting here typing this out, it's like I feel this inner drift in to itself.  It's warmth is among the most hospitable I've ever felt.  So benign.  But at least some part malevolent.  I just haven't found that part out yet.  

Also I'd like to know if anyone out there is really legit?  Is there really anyone among us who isn't solely motivated by self-interest?  Or is everyone so used to all of their contrived, socially adapted, shitspew that such a concept fails to reach them?  No.  It's not because of it's vast requirement for intellectual capacity but by the simple fact that they have all been lying to each other for so long it is the undisputed truth.  Kind of like God.  I genuinely care (as much as my mind allows) for everyone.  I would do anything for anyone.  I don't expect, require, or even desire a reciprocation of that favor.  I just don't want anyone to have to suffer if they don't have to.  If I can take the burden away I have no problems doing so.  And so when this happens I think to myself, "It's only one more thing.  You can handle it."  And when they have drained me of all I'm worth and have abandoned me; I still won't regret my decision.  I would do it again.  and again.  Hoping that one time I actually reach them. I break through.  I remain helplessly optimistic about such things.  Although painfully aware that my efforts will not work.  I think they call such behavior masochism.  Whatev.

Part of a song I've been working on.  

This thing in my chest

has made it's way to yours

and sometimes

you forget to breathe

It's gay, I know.

What to do when you are dead

Everything feels so impersonal.  Making my indifference go into fucking retarded mode.  I've decided that it's all just a big formality.  

First day of my next semester begins tomorrow.  

Also my Geology teacher from my previous semester dropped me 2 weeks before the final exam so I didn't get credit for the course.  He didn't bother to tell me nor did the school.  How awesome is that?  I'm currently working on getting this problem corrected on account for the fact that I finished the course with a solid B- and beat the shit out of the final AND payed a retarded amount of money for all the bullshit in the class.  FUCK YOU BOB BARMINSKI.

I've been meaning to post another bulletin about some other shit that happened previously. But I'll do that later.

six days at the bottom of the ocean

So I went to a party the other night. Yeah me at a party. I don't believe there is a more uncomfortable environment I could possibly be placed in. My friend knowing this, told me it was just going to be a few people and there were going to be some people I knew there. LIAR. As soon as we arrive I realize why he didn't "feel" like driving. We get there and a vast majority of my peers are already inebriated. Upon entry to some random chick's house I automatically shifted into socially awkward mode. The chick who owned the place was pretty nice I guess. She complimented me a lot, in an effort I believe, to make me relax. However, this made me even more solitary. Fortunately, some old friends did end up showing up, alleviating a great amount of my social anxiety.

Think of Antarctica. Now think of the seals and orcas. Then Imagine that all the dudes were seals and the girls were orcas. And if you've ever seen a special on the Discovery Channel on this particular event then you know that the proportion between the two is weighed heavily in favor of the seal. Of course it's really the same in any relationship between two directly correlated species in the food chain. This is to give you an idea of how retarded the ratio of dudes to ladies was at this particular extravaganza. Except the orcas didn't really hunt the seals. They both kind of just awkwardly avoided each other on either side of any given room.

Well of the 5 girls that were there 3 of them were just following me around and shit. One of them (the ladie who owned the house) kept taking pictures of me. Then of her and myself together. If you think I'm bad interacting socially, you should see me when I'm faced with taking photographs. It's on a whole other level. The other two asked me a lot of questions about all kinds of random shit but they would never shut the fuck up so eventually I just kind of stopped bothering to answer altogether. I wonder what the hell is up with all this new found attention. It's probably the fact that I have long hair or something. I think some girls like that or something.

When we left I didn't really think much of the girl attack. But as it turns out one of them apparently has a crush on me. Wild. My luck is the best. I only meet a handful of cool girls while I lived here and I come back and just happen to meet one at a party that likes me but it doesn't matter because I leave in 4 days.

This made me remember once again how lonely I am. I found myself imagining life with a significant other. I think of it from time to time and there is never any real identity or face to the mystery lady. She just happens to agree with my sense of humour and likes to cuddle. That seems to be the common theme anyway.

In retrospect that whole orca/seal analogy was pretty dumb.

There was more I wanted to write but I'm super tired so I'll add more another time I suppose.

get me naked

So this trip is turning out to be everything I hoped. I needed to make sure that all the people here were shit and that has been successfully verified. With the exception of a couple people.

I was put into an awkward ass predicament a few days ago. I had received a compliment, thus making me obliged to reciprocate the adulation. I thought I did a decent job of it, but to my surprise I came off as some kind of dick-monger. Only I can give seemingly pleasant sentiments towards another and manage to come across as an asshole. Am I so fucking inept, socially, that I can ruin any positive moment with no aid of any kind but by my presence alone? Unfortunately.

Complacency won't stop it's cajolery and now I'm starting to listen. I really feel like giving up. I'm just going to say fuck people altogether, get my guitar, hopefully become good, and go from there. My friend told me I was good, nearly professional, at guitaring. And I'm pretty certain that he was being genuine. So now I must decide whether my friend is retarded or if I'm really that oblivious to my own "talent".

It's strange for me to hear all this acclamation. It's all coming at me at once. Did I really change that much in such a short period of time? Or is everyone finally deciding to acknowledge some of my fairer attributes? Or are they just being nice because of the extended hiatus I took from them?

I miss the days of where I would just play FF8 all day and lay in bed thinking all night about anything I could manage to gather enough thoughts on. I always have a set focus on my thoughts now. I'd like to just be able to think again.

I was with a girl I used to date a few years ago. I thought we had a pretty good time. Went to the pet shop, then to the park, and finally ended up at her place. She tried to put some moves on me which really surprised me. I wanted to resist her. I swear I did. She always ends up fucking up my mind. But fuck I'm lonely. And I gave in. I thought I would at least be happy for the time being. Complete opposite. I was totally indifferent to my situation while she was almost fully enthralled. From there my rationale changed. I thought we would hang out more and that I could possibly get as excited to be with her as she was with me. LOL. Well... shit sucks. I started to think about her incessantly and I was certain she was sharing the same mental onslaught on her cognition. Wrong. I haven't heard from her since and word on the street is that she doesn't want to see me again. I have no idea either. Fuck it.

It's getting harder and harder for me to make these things into coherent stories.

Oh and

So safe in monotony.
Can't help but feel betrayed.
Punch the clock every single day.
There is no loyalty and no remorse.
Youth sold for a pension check.
And it makes you fucking sick.

My advice die young and save yourself.

All I See

I'm in Alabama!!! It's been pretty ok so far. I have to go now. I'll fill all you dudesz in later!!!
AAHHHHHHHHH