I see the lure

in assimilation. Tasha and I had a "debate" on happiness.

Me: There is a difference between sincere, genuine happiness and the gilded "happiness" that one acquires when they have acquired all the shit that other people say should make them pleased.

Her: How do you know there is a difference?

Me: How can there not be? I don't want to believe that, that weak minded twat is going to be allowed the same level of happiness as someone who has accomplished and has lived a life that they really loved. So I won't believe otherwise.

Her: Do you think you will ever be satisfied?

Me: I don't know... probably... I will.

Her: How do you know?

Me: I won't allow myself to not be.

I know she hates when I talk like this but I can't help it. I wish she wasn't so fucking scared to just tell me shit. I wish she would just say, "Your fucking full of shit this is why you're wrong..." I want to be able to have a conversation that incorporates philosophy, ideas, science, and speculation. I don't think I will ever get that with her. She refuses to change anything. I really don't mean to push her in any given "mental path" but I just want to provide an incentive for her to read up on some shit and use more of her cognition on important shit than on all the tedious things she normally spends it on. I know there is some brilliance in there somewhere, and I intend on bringing that out. She has the potential to be something really fucking special, I really feel it. I think she is afraid of it and I want her not to be. I've been insisting that she reads "The Fountainhead" some other philosophy books, and watch some very thought provoking videos, but again she refuses to do any of these. Our range of conversation is limited. She is quiet in general so it's usually up to me to keep up the conversation (even though I'm quiet too). I don't mind that but I can only make up jokes and small talk for so long. I want to talk about something more interesting and in depth but she refuses to. Unfortunately, she can't.

Another recent conversation

Her: Sometimes people just like things. There doesn't have to be a reason they just like it. There isn't a need to think about it.

Me: (subconsciously I thought "Please tell me you don't really think like this") There is a reason. There is always a reason.

Her: Why? Why can't there be things that people just like?

Me: Maybe that's possible but I seriously doubt it. Think about it. There are two influences in our life nature (our genes) and nurture (our environment). Those two things are the sole reasons for preference and desire. We draw on past experiences to learn from which lead to tendencies. Everything we do is in some way influenced by something. Whether internal or external doesn't make that much of a difference. The real problem or question we should think about to answer almost everything we have just discussed is this: How much of you is you?

Her: All of me is me.

Me: In a literal sense. There is shit that wants you to stay a certain way and wants to make it so fucking appealing to just not think about it. But you have to. You fucking have to. When you don't think about that shit what are you thinking about? Is anything else really worth the time of your thought? Is anything else really worth the effort or energy you invest into it? You can ignore it if you want. I can understand if you choose this route but I can't. I feel like the only things worth your time and thought is the shit you love, and the shit you think about to better understand you. That's it. Everything else is conditioned.

Now keep in mind that these conversations aren't verbatim. However, they are very accurate, and the points made were made in the real thing.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know what it is about her that draws me in. I've never been this close with another girl, although I don't have a ton of experiences in that department. Some days I feel like nothing can stop us and other days I don't know why she even means anything to me. Maybe I'm just fickle. We actually have a lot of the same positions on things, she really doesn't care about material things, or most things in general. Which is awesome. There are other things that we agree on about higher philosophical crap but she hasn't learned about a fraction of the shit I have. Her feelings were innate. I "educated" myself to this point, she reached hers by the strength of her own mind. So, how can she not have bananas potential if she has already innately learned so much about the world without actually trying to learn about the world.

If she is the real deal there are certain things I want to be able to do. I want to be able to have deep conversations, I want to be able to talk about nothing and just be able to fucking goof around. We as of this moment cannot do all of those things.

fusion

Alright, so I hate to talk about it again but I need to address the shit in my prior two posts. Things have gotten better between me and Tasha. There is a whole lot of things going on in my head pertaining to our relationship and I don't want to get into that right now.

Anyway, so as usual there is a bunch of shit going on that I'm not digging. At all. The president OK'd the execution of an American citizen without due process because of suspicion alone. Because of this "terrorist" threat. I really hope that there is some extenuating circumstances that he can't explain because that is just bullshit. On a positive note some republican openly bashed Fox News to a tea party crowd. I thought that was pretty epic.

So on to that good. I fucking hate this entitlement or "equality" shit that people are so sure of. Let get some things fucking straight. All men are not created equal. Let me elaborate. People who are born with a fucking silver spoon are better off than people who aren't. Obviously. People who were birthed with abnormalities or defects are obviously inhibited in ways that most of aren't. Objections to either of these statements? Didn't think so. Now to progress to the idea that all men are just plain equal. Can you really say that a brilliant scientist who makes a historical discovery and an immature overage kid who likes to get fucked up every chance they get are equal? Their opinions do not hold the same merit. So to all the fucking retarded ass twats that think that their opinion has merit because everyone is entitled to an opinion is a fucking retarded ass twat. I say this because for those whose opinions are based off of nothing but personal experience and subjectivism cannot possibly have an opinion as qualified as someone who actually has earned the right to express their opinion on the subject because they have researched it. To clarify, you do not have the right or privilege to proclaim your opinion unless you have inputed the proper preparation into arriving at that opinion. I'm not talking about mundane ordinary shit. I'm talking about important things like globalization, religion, economics, philosophy, etc. Essentially all that statement means, is that salient, ethnical, gender based qualities are in no way an indicator of any given person's prowess at any given subject.

I'm saying this because when I hear someone acting like what they say means fucking anything just because they said it, makes me want to harm an infant (not really but you get it).

http://vimeo.com/10707453

Almost everything else I want to say is better explained in that video. It's long as shit but it's worth it. The whole Zeitgeist movement is pretty splendid. And I'm all down for the Venus Project. If you don't know what either of these things are google Zeitgeist and watch the 2 videos on the main page. Then watch the video on the link above :).

I came up with this line walking home from college:

You walk with your head so high

that you can't see what you crush beneath

I would like to add something. Do people not realize their own inadequacies? Do they not realize that they have amounted and will never amount to anything more than a consumer? For if they did, how could they possibly feel like the shit they spew has any fucking purpose. You do not help the world. You contribute nothing. You do not have the fucking right for fucking anything. Fuck I hate those people. So sure their words are in some way pertinent to the people around them, that they insist and insist on them. I think they genuinely believe that the shit concocted in their head is going to blow the minds of those around them and that those in close proximity should fucking listen and heed whatever was just said. No. You people are fucking meaningless. I'm sorry to say that but it's true. You consume and your epitaph would read for nothing more than "This guy bought a lot of shit." There is no need for that person to exist. They demand, antagonize, and destroy. Contribute nothing, establish nothing, but yet have the audacity to acquire. Tell me in what way can a man react to these people other than shame? You can't change them. I always used to wonder if other people were really alive. Not in a philosophical sense but in the most literal. If they were just there to fill in space and were programmed to do certain things. I had these thoughts since I was in fucking 4th grade. I tried to imitate them. "What would I do if I were one of those people who just kind of are?" I could never figure out what to do. So now the question remains. Are other people really alive or is it some elaborate prank by your brain or maybe something much higher? Taking the more sensible stance that people are indeed alive it becomes even more frightening to think that these people would surely know of their own feebleness and make no effort to change.

When you are that person, you cannot be happy. You have not earned the right. You earn shit in life. If your mind is incapable, or if you sabotage your mind from being capable, then all of those luxuries of the conscientious and the deserving will never find refuge in you.

I said earlier "Any objections... Didn't think so", those two brief statements I really hate hearing and I hate even more to say them. But it was the only way I could explain what I wanted to say without rewriting the rest of the paragraph. So I said "fuck it."

Masochism sucks

I fucking ruined everything. This shit really, seriously sucks.

I saw Tasha (the girl I'm dating or was dating before tonight) two weekends ago. Nothing was the same. From the moment I saw her I felt that it was off.

I drove roughly 7 hours to go see her in San Diego (14 hours total). I felt nothing when I saw her. Although, I never really particularly felt anything when I saw her; it was a different kind of nothing. This new "nothing" was indifferent. We hung out and did stuff and that night as we laid in that hotel bed she confided in me.

Her: What do you feel right now?

Me: I don't know

Her: I feel like...

Me: hmm?

Her: I just feel...

Me: You don't feel anything?

Her: Yeah...

Me: I know

I didn't either. I stayed 3 days and at no point during that time did I feel any kind of compulsion towards her. Just this vast indifference. She reciprocated. She dropped hints or at least what I perceived or continue to perceive as hints as to her intentions with our relationship. "If you meet someone you really like I want you to go to her." "If things don't work out like we want don't feel bad plans never seem to go the way you want." etc.

We talk differently now. She thinks... as I do. I don't know if it was me who tainted her or the military or just her. She tells me how she feels this vast nothing for everything and how she doesn't know what she wants and things of this nature. You would think that I would feel excited to have a such a similar mind as my partner but I'm terrified. I don't wish anyone to have to think or "feel" like I do. I fucking suck, I don't want someone else to have to deal with this crap. We've had long conversations about finding happiness and finding out what exactly it is that we are. At first she disagreed with a lot of my points of view. Then gradually her mind came to my side of thought. For instance.

Me: I can't help but think of my motives for my motives. What I mean is WHY do I want to do x WHAT compels me in any given direction. I have to know me. Only the incredibly pretentious or wise would dare say that they understand such things. I don't believe I would allow myself the privilege of genuine happiness until I figured that shit out. Maybe not completely but at least to some kind of satisfactory level.

Her: I've been me for 20 years I think I know me.

Me: Well, you are very fortunate.

Fastforward a bit

Her: I don't know what I want. I thought I knew me but I guess I don't.

Me: I know. I don't either. We can try to work at it together.

Her: How? How could you possibly help me with that?

Me: I don't know. We will do what we want and find out what we like and what we don't and figure the rest of the shit out from there.

Tonight she confided in me again as to her confusion and frustration with herself and her life. In so many ways she was saying why she didn't want to be with me anymore. I made it easier for her. I don't wish for her to have any kind of burden. I guess I'm kind of used to this sort of thing so I let her walk further away from me. I didn't/don't want her to go but my inner masochist cherishes the thought of letting the one girl who ever cared about me just walk away. Not just to let her walk away but highlight the path for her. If she doesn't know what she wants then it probably isn't me so why make it harder for her? She doesn't deserve to be hurt and if I can keep her from being hurt then I'll take it on. I can fucking take it. Godammit I don't want this. I fucking hate that she means something to me. I want us to be together FUCK I want us to be together. Oh god. oh fucking god. why? I can't just have one fucking thing? Just one fucking thing to talk to or to hold? Can I have one person who fucking cares? no. Of course I cant. I guess I don't deserve it. Fine. Fucking fine. I can deal. I just don't fucking want to. GOD DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO. I hate this I HATE THIS. I want to tell her I want to yell and scream and do everything I can to tell her how much I want us to work. But she doesnt want us to work. And I would just make it harder for her by saying such things. So I'll hurt myself I'll tell her its ok. I'll tell her to do what she wants. And each line will erode me a little more than the last. I FUCKING HATE READING THIS. I FUCKING HATE HOW PATHETIC I AM AND HOW PATHETIC I SOUND. I hate that I care enough about her to not try and make it work.

I never "felt" anything for her. But this is destroying me. Every time we part it just kills me. She's gone and I turn to shit. I managed to get some girl to love me. And then not only did I let her leave me. I helped her leave me.

I was thinking of her when I thought of this:

I know that I say that I only see you

But the truth is...

That I see all the others the same way

At least I thought I did.

Experience to Write

I apologize in advance for any excess detail I might have inserted about our relationship and for the fact that it's not very interesting. If it's too graphic and/or shitty for you, I'm sorry I just want to write this as accurately as I can. So anyway, here's the scoop. This is how it went down...

About 3 and a half years ago I met her. Her dad was friends with my dad (somehow) and one day he came over with her. The first time I saw her I was getting applesauce out of the refrigerator.

my dad: Brian this is so and so's daughter

me: (looks over does a hand wave type thing) hey (walks away eating applesauce)

her: (returns the hand wave thing) hey

We go to Arby's to get some food. She declines all offers. I know she's hungry, so I insist she takes some of my fries.

An hour or so later I enter the living room and start doing some shit on the computer. She comes in the room shortly after that. My sister is already in the room watching some gay shit on the Disney Channel. I start making fun of the shows my sister is watching and everyone laughs. My stepmother enters the room.

Stepmother: You guys want to go to Movie Gallery or something?

sister: yeah I'll drive!

stepmother: Brian?

me: uhhh I guess.

She comes with us. We browse some films and I make some shitty jokes but they both laugh because we have similar senses of humor. I insist on some awful Hillary Duff movie. This was for two reasons: First, I had a mad crush on Hillary Duff, and Secondly, to make fun of my sister who watched some Disney channel shit with her in it.

We get home and try to watch it. We last 45 minutes. Me and her sit next to each other. I don't really feel all that attracted to her but I'm nervous. I'm always nervous but I suck it up. I had a feeling she liked me and that gave me enough courage to sit "close" to her. After we stop watching the movie she gets a call from her boyfriend. Afterwards, she bitches about her boyfriend. Nothing really happens after that and she and her father leave.

Next time I see her is sometime later. She broke up with her boyfriend. We've been hanging out for a while. She loves my music and I love that she loves it. We're in my room. We've been in there for a while. We're both on my bed. I'm nervous. Everything I did was entirely instinctual, everything I said was only spoken after special deliberation (which didn't mean it was any good). Time progresses nothing happens. More time passes we're both laying on my bed. I start to gather my guts. I kiss her.

I'll never forget this.

Her: Are you trying to make out with me?

me: (Who the fuck asks that?) uhhhhhh I guess I am? {I'm crazy smooth I know}

Her: (laughs)

We continue smooching. I take her home. She asks me to play Copeland. I smile and say, "Which one?"

"You know the one"

I smile and put it on "No one really wins".

The next time I see her is a bunch of vague jumbled memories of supermarkets and shit tacos my parents made. Her dad comes to pick her up. We're on my couch in the other room waiting for my dad and hers to stop talking. When they do we'll stop kissing and touching but until then we lust. We don't want them to know about it.

The next time I see her is months later. She lives in North Carolina and I live in Alabama. We talk occasionally on the phone. Maybe once every 2 weeks or so. She comes over. I take her to my best friends house. We play Super Smash Bros. on the GameCube. All of my best friends are there. She's too shy to do much of anything. I get her to play and totally go out of my way to dominate her. I can tell she's not having much fun no matter how much me or my friends try to make it more interesting. I make up some excuse and we leave. I make a pit stop at Burger King for a delicious double stack. I destroy that shit in front of my house in the car while we listen to some tasty tunes. We go to my room. We're listening to music. Her sister is supposed to be picking her up soon. We are all over each other. She gets a call from her sister. She's at a party and it will be sometime before she comes. We continue.

I'd like to say what happens next in detail but it might be too graphic. Basically, some of our clothes were taken off, we started doing stuff but before anything major happens I fall asleep. I just blacked out. I know I'm more lame than you probably have guessed. In my defense I was extremely tired for staying up the previous night. It was about 2 am when I fell asleep. When I woke up her sister arrived. I often feel like that blackout was caused by something greater than me.

We talk occasionally on the phone. After a while we stop talking. I say Happy Birthday on her birthday she says nothing back. My birthday passes and nothing happens. Her next Birthday comes up. She responds. We start talking again. Occasionally again but the conversations are better. I tell her I'll be going to Alabama soon to visit and that I'd like to see her (I moved to California a month before that first happy birthday). We make some arrangements. We both thought she wasn't going to be able to come. I was driving south from Virginia (I flew to Virginia to stay with my friend and we drove to Alabama from there). While driving through I wanted to stop by and see her. It was early as fuck in the morning and she didn't answer. We talk two more times on the phone and she's not coming. Four days before I leave she calls me and asks what I'm doing tomorrow. I tell her "Nothing anymore." She comes early in the morning. I'm still laying in bed. She lays down with me for a little while then I take a shower. We spend all day in bed. No sex. Just talking, touching and smooching. It's 5 pm now and I take her to Red Lobster (I promised her Red Lobster if she came to see me). We hold hands nearly the whole trip. We eat a fuck ton of sea food. We go home. We hold hands. I tell her to pick out some tunes. She puts in Minus the Bear then Copeland. When we get home I tell her I think I love her (refer to prior post on specifics). We're on the bed again. Things escalate but it's that time of the month for her. We try some different methods of doing things. It ends poorly. We take a shower together and watch "A Night at the Roxbury" (my favorite movie). She gets mad because I quote everything. I shut up. She falls asleep with her head on my chest. I smile and close my eyes. We both wake up and she has to go. I walk her to her car, we hug for a long time and she drives off. The next day she calls me, when we talk about that "love thing":

Me: I really think I do

Her: I know I do

Me: You do what?

Her: Love you.

Me: How? When?

Her: For a while. I broke up with my boyfriend the day I met you. I didn't know what was going to happen with us. But you were so much better and I didn't want him anymore. And when you held my hand when we were going to Red Lobster that pretty much sealed it.

Me: (laughs) hand holding sealed it?

Her: You held my hand the whole way... I don't know I thought it was really sweet and that's pretty much when I knew for sure.

We start talking regularly. Almost everyday. Roughly 5 days a week or so. Four months later I see her again. She flies to California, I pick her up from the airport and take her home. The first night we go to my grandparents house and she meets my grandmother and my uncle Carlos. I eat a bunch of my grandma's cooking while she watches me eat. I insist she tries some but she declines. Later that night we go to my room and stay there. The rest of the time she's there each day has one main adventure then a substantial portion of "bed" time.

Day1: arrival

Day2: Go on tour of the town and drive aimlessly

Day 3: Cook an awesome feast for dinner and we take pictures for my photography class. That is followed by some viral videos rather unorthodox in nature. She actually watches them and inquires and is genuinely interested. Maybe I do love her

Day 4: Driving aimlessly, decide to go bowling, she has no socks, an adventure to find a sock store ensues

Day 5: She helps me study and I get annoyed about something. She gets close enough but keeps distance. That night we made up without talking or touching.

Day 6: Bowling then epic arcade battles. (she is terrible at shooting games)

Day 7: We drive down south and hang out with my cousin and his friends on the beach.

Day 8: we stay in my room and watch movies and talk

Day 9: I take her to the airport. We hold hands most of the way. She cries and I pretend not to notice. When we get to the Airport I'm perfectly fine. I'm worried about the fact that me not crying might hurt her feelings somehow. When we get inside and wait I start to cry. Nothing I can do can stop it. I try everything. She tries everything. She cleans my face and holds my hand. When I leave I can't stop crying. After 50 miles of driving I was able to keep the tears back. I thought to myself "Why am I being such a bitch? Maybe I really do love her."

She goes to basic training. The first time I get a letter from her is on the 13th of January 2010. That day I couldn't stop smiling. We write each other fairly regularly. I write her a letter telling her what happened between me and that girl (I was in a very heated debate with myself as to postpone the news so I could tell her in person or tell her right after it happened). I wrote her the next day. When she called me a couple of weeks later I was super excited. Then she expressed her disappointment in me. I made no excuses. I told her the truth and we both reprimanded me until she had to go. She wasn't really mad though. Let me explain, she was upset but she knew it meant nothing to me. And we both understand how I feel about morality and doing things that I feel are right or wrong or beneficial. This was something beneficial to someone at no cost to me (at least I thought there was no cost but I miscalculated).

I was never sure if it was authentic "love" or just my unbearable loneliness that evoked my feelings for her. And still to this day I reserve the right to have doubt. Over these past years we've spent very little time in close proximity to each other. I don't know what to think of that.

I think she arrived in San Diego today. It's roughly 6 hours from where I live. The next time we talk we are going to figure out who's visiting who and when.

P.S. Don't think that the fact that I remembered such great detail of our past means anything particularly special, even though it could or probably does. I just fucking remember everything.

Resistance is but vain.

I think I love this girl. I'm using the word love. For the first time on anyone with whom I meant in the context of "in love." I'm fucking stupid.

In any case, I'm shitty. While "knowing" this about her, I ended up smooching on some other girl. In all honesty I had every intention of hooking up with the other girl, even after telling my "lover" I wouldn't get with any girls while she was gone(she's in basic training for the Navy). The truth is I felt obliged to get in whatever extra kind of "hooking up" I could before me and her were stuck together. And when the time came I only kissed that girl because she reminded me of myself. How fucked up does that sound? What I mean is; she had her heart set on our rendezvous for a long time and I just didn't want to leave her disappointed like I have been so many times. She's a very beautiful girl but I had no interest in her in any genuine kind of lust. I suppose I tried to do everything I could from keeping her disappointed and as a result I hurt my "love." To make matters worse the lady with whom I shared my "infidelity" is "in love" with me now. So now I get to hurt everyone when I tell her I have no feelings for her.

What I mean by stuck together. I can't imagine me being able to part with this girl right now. She loves me. She actually fucking loves me. When I see her I know. I don't know how anyone could possibly like me that much but she does. And no matter what I've done to keep her away. She doesn't care. She doesn't fucking care about anything. I fucking love that. My last step mother after knowing me for several weeks(without any in depth conversation or revelations) told me she loved me. From that moment on I knew she was a liar and I could never hope to accomplish any greater affinity towards her. The first time I told my "love" I loved her; I said it like this:

Me: I think I love you

Her: What?

Me: Yeah I can't believe I'm saying this

Her: It's ok

Me: ?

Her: I thought you might

Me: Oh yeah?

Her: yeah

Me: Well what do you think then?

Her: I don't know

Me: (laughs) ok

She wouldn't tell me she loved me back. That's probably the single biggest reason why I think these feelings are authentic. Because she is. Since then she has admitted her feelings innumerable times but I already knew. I knew when I told her. But she wouldn't say it back. And I think that's great.

I started my new semester. My English class is shit. I wish I would have taken the same teacher I had last semester. At least he knew something about anything. This new lady teacher forces me to doodle for hours. Although, I met this dude named Ace in that class, and he happens to be a fellow guitar player. We get along fairly well and our working on recording a song we've been working on. I'll talk about this more another time.

My Music class is what I expected. A bunch of chumps looking for easy units and an overly considerate teacher making things way too easy.

Political Science class is probably the most elongated sequence of time during my week but I think I actually like it. The professor encourages discussion and there are several retarded enough fucking kids to make the discussions worth while. They have no idea what they're talking about. The have no idea about anything. But they believe with everything they have that they do. Some examples of some of my favorite dialogues.

(discussing plato/socrates while talking about the early Greek Democracy)

Teacher: Can you define beauty?

Girl: Beauty can be anything to anyone

Teacher: what is beauty to you?

Girl: like a flower

Teacher: what about the flower makes it beautiful?

Girl: The colors I guess...

Teacher: So colors are beautiful?

Girl: Well not all colors

Teacher: Then what is Beauty?

Girl: If you're talking about what I look for in a guy... (blah blah blah)

LOL

Teacher: ...... So what are the two parts of the Legislative branch that accomplish _______?

Guy: Congress does all of that.

Teacher: There are two parts of Congress

Guy: Yeah Congress does it.

Teacher: So what are the two parts of congress?

Guy: (mumbles some shit) Congress does ________.

Teacher: Yes but there are two parts of it

Guy: The judicial..

Teacher: No.

Guy: well then the executive...

LOL

This last one was my personal favorite

Girl: ...They were talking about teaching gay marriage to kids in school. I don't have a problem with gay marriage I believe you can do what you want. But I don't think you should be teaching things pertaining to morality in schools. (Mentions shit about religion)

Teacher: Well what do you think about the teaching of evolution?

Girl: I think that they shouldn't because it's just a theory. Just like Creationism and that they should teach both.

Teacher: You know why they call scientific theories "theories"?

Girl: Because they think it's true.

Teacher: No. Because the overwhelming majority of scientists have accepted the facts and use them in everyday research.

Girl: Still though I just don't think morality should be taught to children by their teachers. It should be done at home with their families.

She was incredibly assertive in her position even though she was obviously fucking retarded. I give the teacher mad kudos for having the balls to stand up for science and evolution. Anyway here is my interpretation/statement on this.

Firstly, what happens to children who have broken down homes? Poor excuses for parents? Are they just supposed to be acquire morality through some kind of divine osmosis? No no there is no place for morality but religion can be there.... womp womp womp.

Secondly, she's indirectly stated her true colors. What I call the "fair-weather" moralists. Of course she has no problem with gay marriage but she doesn't want the kids to know about it. Why would someone have such an irrational fear of something they claim to care nothing about? Because they do. They say they don't care. But they don't look at homosexuals the same. When Socrates was sentenced to death he stayed several days in prison. Because there was a very important and sacred festival going on at the time. They wanted to commit no execution at such a hollowed time. But what does that say? If you feel morally obliged to abstain from a particular practice at a sacred time what does that say about that practice? And in this case if you feel like "homosexuality" shouldn't be taught to kids doesn't that mean that somewhere you feel as if something is innately wrong about it?

Fucking grow some balls and tell yourself and everyone else the truth.

Lastly my sister is here.

Sister: Hey bro, you want to check out my macbook?

Me: sure

Jason (sister's husband): Ewwww Mac

Me: Oh shun the non-believer

Sister: Macs are better plus everyone has them.

That last statement was the single biggest endorsement for PC I've ever heard. My sister doesn't have a single authentic thought in her body. Everything she is and has been is the by-product of her ineptitude to acknowledge and/or accept her own cognition. I have a hard time respecting anyone anymore.

In Progress

I haven't posted in forever. I have written several drafts of many different ideas and such but I could never bring myself to post them. I feel I need to write the events that transpired this past week down somewhere and if I don't I'm going to explode. However, at this particular juncture I cannot bring myself to write about it. I'm very disappointed in myself.

I'll be finishing this soon.

Law of Averages

There is something that seems to be reoccurring in my thoughts and in my posts and it's driving me crazy. This glamorized glutton I see all over the place really embarrasses me. This culture we have doesn't make any fucking sense. We have MILLIONS of people literally starving to death in our own communities, and our completely aware of the famine going on in foreign countries. What do we do? DUDE CHECK OUT THIS 5 POUND BURRITO FILLED WITH SHIT! BRO THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE GOING TO FINISH THAT. OH YEAH CHECK THIS OUT! FUCK NEVERMIND I CAN'T FINISH IT. LOL.

It's not fucking cool, it's not funny, it's appalling. Why is there no collective groan when this excess consumption kicks in? This is why I have no pity for the obese (minus the one's with legitimate medical problems THAT CAUSED the obesity). To me it should be like herpes or hepatitis, so that no one wants to go near you and everyone thinks you're gross.

Let's see what else... ummm religion is still dumb.

Oh so we were working on papers for my English class and my History class. And in both we had to have our papers peer reviewed. Now, those papers are very unlike my posts in this blog; they actually make sense and are interesting to read. But this hobag was reading my paper like.."umm it's OK but you should really work on your vocabulary, and stay with the logic of your thesis." I respond with a nod. Dilemma? This girl is what I like to call the pseudo-intellectual. You know the ones. The people who think they know a lot more than what they do. How do I know this? Or why this accusation? Just the statement "staying with the logic of your thesis" makes absolutely no sense. The word logic in this scenario is used out of context because there is no bindings of logic on any thesis. The thesis binds the plot, theme, content buildup, and in some scenarios texture. Also, she decided to compare papers and tell me (in so many words) that hers was better because of her impressive vernacular. Which wasn't impressive in the least, there was not plot buildup, and the paper was unbearably redundant. There are a few other details but whatever dumb people be dumb.

I've began to understand why there is so much apathy in the world. I don't think it's from a lack of motivation or independent thinking. Although, there is little doubt that these contribute. No one wants anyone else to succeed further than themselves. Every important thing we do as a people or every uniquely significant event, is only allowed to be displayed when we have reached the apex of shittiness. Think about it. I don't want to be any more numb than I am right now.

Also, if whoever is reading this cares to get their learn on I recommend

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/ there are two videos on here for you to check out. I recommend you watch both.

Also, look up Nibiru, New World Order, Bilderberg Group, and the Freemasons

Go get your learn on.