Continued

"By masses, then is not to be understood, solely or maily, 'the working masses.' The mass is the average man. In this way what was mere quantity-the multitude-is converted into a qualitative determination: it becomes the common social quality, man as undifferentiated from other men, but as repeating in himself a generic type."

"there are those who make great demands on themselves, piling up difficulties and duties; and those who demand nothing special of themselves, but for whom to live is to be every moment what they already are, without imposing on themselves any effort towards perfection; mere buoys that float on the waves."

"The characteristic of the hour is that the commonplace mind, knowing itself to be commonplace, has the assurance to proclaim the rights of the commonplace and to impose them wherever it will. As they say in the United States: 'to be different is to be indecent.' The mass crushes beneath it everything that is different, everything that is excellent, individual, qualified and select. Anybody, who is not like everybody, who does not think like everybody, runs the risk of being eliminated. And it is clear, of course, that this 'everybody' is not 'everybody.'  'Everybody' was normally the complex unity of the mass and divergent, specialized minorities. Nowadays, 'everybody' is the mass alone. Here we have the formidable fact of our times, described without any concealment of the brutality of its features."

All these quotes are from "The Revolt of the Masses" by Jose Ortega y Gasset.  I highly recommend you check it out.

And now to the continuation.

As time advances I'm becoming less and less impressed with who or what I am.  There was once a certain amount of pride in being what I was sure no one else was.  

So there was a debate in class about whether high school students (who had the option of working, meaning their family had a steady income) should work.  And all the points were pretty typical but no one else thought of or expressed the importance of the youth. I refuse to believe in this ideal I am unique. I know I'm not alone in being so tired of school and all the damned preparation.  Why can't I just be?  I can teach myself and can adapt to any environment (minus parties) so what's the big deal?  Does no one else notice what's happening?  They are stealing our youth! Among the most precious gifts we will ever hold. And we have been trained to in the upmost support, give it away.  From the time a child is (on average) 5 years old until he/she is about 18 years old they will be in high school.  If they go straight into college, say a 4 year university, they come out somewhere around 22-23.  Now begins the career.  They work and dredge on until they retire.  And depending on the work could be anywhere between 40-65 ish on average. Now what? What is now available to the retired 52 year (taking the middle age) old adult that wasn't when they were a youth? Well the years of working and tending to family and such wore you down to the point where under all other factors but age, show that you are a geriatric. Incapable of impromptu actions or things dynamic in nature.  But at least you got the retirement check.  And it is true that maybe you could be satisfied with this lifestyle and maybe you found true love.  But this is a hollow fulfillment, for the fire in all of us, our inner most animalistic urges, were quelled for that pension check.  You did not embrace or accept the thing most alive within you. You are only satisfied because you have learned to be.

A Decline of Candor

There is a part of me that feels like I need to be remembered on some mass scale.  I feel as if I'm holding all these things from the world and the world doesn't care.  Regardless of the magnitude of what I could bring, this place won't allow it.  What could I contribute that could deter an entire society from itself?  

And you know, when I reflect upon myself like I usually do, very often does my mind wonder on to metacognition.  I see these things in no other person and even worse, I believe that these are as apparent as any other aesthetically distinctive attribute.  Does no one else feel this decline?  I know these thoughts aren't coherent right now I just want to write them down.  I don't ever want to forget these things that now define who I am.  

There will be a continuation on this another time.

Revolt of revolution.

So I haven't been on in a while on account of me not having internet and such.  Just moved to the new diggs with my uncle.  It's not that bad.  We are rarely home at the same time so it works out well.  My grades in class have been getting progressively worse because of my post-concussion syndrome making my brain suck at everything.  So if I fail that's what I'm blaming it on.  I still don't have a car because all things dealing with insurance and douchebags always ends up being suck.  My sister is here with her nephew and it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  My sister is still a pain who made me get my hair cut but otherwise has been surprisingly tolerable.  Better yet almost enjoyable to be around.  Her son on the other hand is another story.  But she wants to throw me a party on account of me turning 20 this Sunday which is something I would be a lot more comfortable without.  

Also, I'm reading "The Revolt of the Masses" by Jose Ortega y Gasset.  And it's awesome.  

Choose this dearest,

I got into a car accident today.  My whole body feels like poo especially my back and my face.  My car is fucked.  Too bad to drive but not bad enough to be considered wrecked.  Not that it matters because I don't have collision coverage on my insurance.  FUCK.  However, I think I'm going to take that fucker to court.  The bastard caused it then left.  If he stayed and was remorseful and shit I wouldn't act like this but instead he wanted to be a douch nozzle.

So what happened?  I was speeding... a decent bit but nothing crazy.  I was passing this semi and as I was almost passed him I saw him turn on his turn signal.  I thought there is no way he doesn't see me.  He's just putting the signal up early for after I pass him.  NOPE.  I guess he didn't see me anyway.  So I see him start merging into my lane.  Oh on a side note just so you understand the road and my predicament better the road is two lanes with a big grassy median and on the other side of that median is two more lanes of highway heading south.  Ok continuing, he was coming into my lane and I was trying to think of the best course of action.  I tried slowing down but I was too far up there was no way I was going to not get destroyed by his trailer if I did that.  So I tried to speed up past him and that was probably a bad idea.  He started to merge faster giving me a very malnourished slice of road to work with.  Well I ran out of road and the area by his door rammed into my front right and as this happened I lost control of the car.  It shot me across the median, across the other lanes of traffic, over/through a fence, and passed a ditch.  Luckily I was smart enough not to brake as this was happening because if I had my wheels would have locked and I would have flipped and rolled.  When I eventually stopped I remember asking myself where the fuck this blood came from and why the fuck my back hurt so much.  I pried my door open and when I got out some cool dudes were already there.  They called 911 for me and helped me stand up and such.  When the ambulance came I remember thinking that this was a bit unnecessary but I guess it kind of was.  Those dudes were even cooler.  I remember that guy checking my body out (for wounds!) and in the process I made poor jokes about stupid things.  Then some more dudes came out and got me ready for the stretcher which made me make a lot more really awful attempts at humor.  I guess they were pretty fucking surprised at my demeanor considering what I had just gone through.  I was thinking to myself why I'm smiling right now so much and why do I keep saying stupid shit.  I reckon I was just happy to be alive.  Ok now I've been reading this and I have to be honest about how terrible this passage has been so far so I'm going to sum the rest up quickly.  I went to the hospital, tried to hit on the nurse and she told me to put my blanket back on (I had only been wearing boxers underneath it), had some X-rays for the first time, went home made a bunch of shitty phone calls, and then laid down and tried to sleep for 2 hours before writing this.

I'm pretty fucking lucky.  For me to only have these minor injuries considering what could have happened.  It's wild to think about.  Add on to that this story...

March 1st, 2007, my whole school was sitting in the hallways bullshitting and being gay.  We had been in the halls for so long that the school was encouraging us to call our parents to come get us.  We had been under a tornado warning from about 11:12 AM until roughly 1:15 PM.  That's when the lights started flickering and some girls began to scream.  I remember someone asking, "what's happening?" and then my Vice Principal responding with, "Really bad weather."  I thought "how dumb" then I could hear the wind.  The door next to me swung open and I started being pelted with debris.  Is this really happening?  I was in total disbelief.  As I looked up afterwards a whole fraction of my school was destroyed, just a pile of debris.  The hallway I was on stopped just after me.  It was me, an inch of wall, then devastation.  And as I rose I hit my head on something.  It was a pole or pipe or something that was seriously like 2 inches away from impaling my head.  Eight students died that day, all of them on the hall that I was on.  

I guess there is something looking out for me somewhere or maybe I'm just super lucky.  I kind of always want to believe it's my mother.  And so I do.  

I'm terribly sorry for the shit writing and total lack of interesting content.  I'm kind of woozy and my mind isn't really thinking that well right now.

Etch

No one can waste time like me.  GOD DAMMIT.  It's basically one of those really shitty awards that no one wants to be known for.  Like whoever sucked the worst at a sport or like a doctor who had the most malpractice lawsuits.  Something really shitty that stays with you forever i.e. genital warts or irritable bowl syndrome.  Maybe those aren't the greatest examples.  Anyway, I have a Statistics exam I should be working on that has like 2398479234 questions and since I haven't done anything relating to the subject in nearly 3 weeks I've forgotten how to do nearly all of it.  Add on to that the project thing that is due tomorrow morning, and exam thing in my music/guitar class (which I've actually decided I'm going to skip) AND the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm reading the wrong book for Philosophy, it's gone ahead and made my stress level go all gay mode and I kind of want to quit everything and just go into music.  But then I realized I actually suck pretty hard at that.  Which leaves the lone option which is to suck it up and do all the work which will undoubtedly consume the rest of tonight as well as the following 3 days.  Basically it's the nerdy/gay option in my head that everyone hates but knows is really right but hates it anyway. Probably out of spite.  

On the brightside I'm starting to formulate a plan.  Basically I'm going to consume mass quantities of ice cream, water, and pop tarts and with that surge of fruitful nutrition at my disposal I'll be able to masterfully accomplish little to none of what I had set out to do.  But that wasn't the real purpose.  It was actually to waste a lot of time and act like I'm trying when I'm really not.  That's as honestly as I see this going down.  And to be even more blunt I'm not even that crazy about ice cream or pop tarts.  I just feel like they should be a part of this with me for some reason.  

To add on to the gay, I have to decide what the fuck I'm doing this summer.  Too fucking many obligations and things with/for too many people.  And I think that's the cherry on the steaming turd of my life right now.

OH and I think I'm going to get to move out already!  Well not alone exactly but with my uncle. Which isn't that bad on account of my uncle working pretty frequently and rarely being home. So party at my house!  soon.  And by party I of course mean me hanging out by myself, probably naked, wasting time in some ways that is somehow superior when you are in the nude.  So I guess that's exciting.

OK OK fuck, I guess I'm going to get started on my work...

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Incomplete as a Leech

I refuse to believe this optimism is through any fault of my own.  I know you have to be suppressing the same kind of things that inhibit us from being we.  If I could just latch on to you and see myself better I could perfect this for you.  But surely our dialogues would be dominated by the professions of my admiration towards you.  Your only replies would be to humor my affection.  And when the charade has proceeded past its expiration your patience will dim and ties will be severed.  Then, though, there are these words that I want to share with you. I want you to delight in them like I do.  If we were to accept this we could be forever and on that I swear.  Even if I were to wrestle you into submission it seems as if my body would be enveloped in a sheath of your animosity.  And for me to cover you with it would be something of no significance to you.  Just slip through and continue onward.  Past me.  

My cousin just got Super Smash Brothers Brawl!!!!  FUCK YES. 

Precision.

After a very strenuous debate with myself, I've decided that I'm really an asshole.

I received a comment on my picture that read "You're wonderful."  How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?

So for Philosophy class last night we had a town meeting of sorts.  City board members wanted ideas from kids at the college and they gave us the rundown on what they wanted and what was needed.  In groups.  Basically everyone was acting like they had some brilliant shit to share. Well, unfortunately pretty much everyone was retarded.  Let's rely more on volunteerism and start more city funded recreation programs for the youth.  Yes because at these times everyone's going to want to fucking volunteer and because of our deficit let's spend more on bullshit.  Let's increase tourism and put up a ToT tax.  Yeah because this country isn't totally in the shitter and all kinds of people are going to want to spend what extra money they have coming to this shithole.  Now, I realize I sound like a doucheface but you have got to be realistic about this.  And since I didn't really have any solutions of my own I bit my tongue and let them spew.  

And you know almost all of my life I have considered myself an idealist.  But as I continue to mature and evolve I realize that I am now more of a realist.  I have always strived to better myself, towards perfection.  I acknowledge that this is not possible but this quandary seems to always resurface.  If you better yourself closer to perfection what are you giving up?  I feel as though when you improve certain aspects of your life other areas suffer.  What part of me has been damaged so far?

Time you must wait for me, this process is taking longer than expected.  I've been besieged by contempt for that which I cannot condone.  Embrace me.  Take me in as your own.  I will progress.  We are so abrupt in our intercourse.  An impromptu exchange of lusts and desires. Come now, fill me with your words, they swear things I should not believe but it is the manner in which you speak that makes me betray truth.  Oh but how much sweeter is the web you weave than the bitter disdain of life on all that I treasure.