I saw Tasha (the girl I'm dating or was dating before tonight) two weekends ago. Nothing was the same. From the moment I saw her I felt that it was off.
I drove roughly 7 hours to go see her in San Diego (14 hours total). I felt nothing when I saw her. Although, I never really particularly felt anything when I saw her; it was a different kind of nothing. This new "nothing" was indifferent. We hung out and did stuff and that night as we laid in that hotel bed she confided in me.
Her: What do you feel right now?
Me: I don't know
Her: I feel like...
Me: hmm?
Her: I just feel...
Me: You don't feel anything?
Her: Yeah...
Me: I know
I didn't either. I stayed 3 days and at no point during that time did I feel any kind of compulsion towards her. Just this vast indifference. She reciprocated. She dropped hints or at least what I perceived or continue to perceive as hints as to her intentions with our relationship. "If you meet someone you really like I want you to go to her." "If things don't work out like we want don't feel bad plans never seem to go the way you want." etc.
We talk differently now. She thinks... as I do. I don't know if it was me who tainted her or the military or just her. She tells me how she feels this vast nothing for everything and how she doesn't know what she wants and things of this nature. You would think that I would feel excited to have a such a similar mind as my partner but I'm terrified. I don't wish anyone to have to think or "feel" like I do. I fucking suck, I don't want someone else to have to deal with this crap. We've had long conversations about finding happiness and finding out what exactly it is that we are. At first she disagreed with a lot of my points of view. Then gradually her mind came to my side of thought. For instance.
Me: I can't help but think of my motives for my motives. What I mean is WHY do I want to do x WHAT compels me in any given direction. I have to know me. Only the incredibly pretentious or wise would dare say that they understand such things. I don't believe I would allow myself the privilege of genuine happiness until I figured that shit out. Maybe not completely but at least to some kind of satisfactory level.
Her: I've been me for 20 years I think I know me.
Me: Well, you are very fortunate.
Fastforward a bit
Her: I don't know what I want. I thought I knew me but I guess I don't.
Me: I know. I don't either. We can try to work at it together.
Her: How? How could you possibly help me with that?
Me: I don't know. We will do what we want and find out what we like and what we don't and figure the rest of the shit out from there.
Tonight she confided in me again as to her confusion and frustration with herself and her life. In so many ways she was saying why she didn't want to be with me anymore. I made it easier for her. I don't wish for her to have any kind of burden. I guess I'm kind of used to this sort of thing so I let her walk further away from me. I didn't/don't want her to go but my inner masochist cherishes the thought of letting the one girl who ever cared about me just walk away. Not just to let her walk away but highlight the path for her. If she doesn't know what she wants then it probably isn't me so why make it harder for her? She doesn't deserve to be hurt and if I can keep her from being hurt then I'll take it on. I can fucking take it. Godammit I don't want this. I fucking hate that she means something to me. I want us to be together FUCK I want us to be together. Oh god. oh fucking god. why? I can't just have one fucking thing? Just one fucking thing to talk to or to hold? Can I have one person who fucking cares? no. Of course I cant. I guess I don't deserve it. Fine. Fucking fine. I can deal. I just don't fucking want to. GOD DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO. I hate this I HATE THIS. I want to tell her I want to yell and scream and do everything I can to tell her how much I want us to work. But she doesnt want us to work. And I would just make it harder for her by saying such things. So I'll hurt myself I'll tell her its ok. I'll tell her to do what she wants. And each line will erode me a little more than the last. I FUCKING HATE READING THIS. I FUCKING HATE HOW PATHETIC I AM AND HOW PATHETIC I SOUND. I hate that I care enough about her to not try and make it work.
I never "felt" anything for her. But this is destroying me. Every time we part it just kills me. She's gone and I turn to shit. I managed to get some girl to love me. And then not only did I let her leave me. I helped her leave me.
I was thinking of her when I thought of this:
I know that I say that I only see you
But the truth is...
That I see all the others the same way
At least I thought I did.
